General Combat/military Ptsd And Treatment

[Melsboi]

Wow guys I only posted 2 things last night and I've had massive response from this thread. Firstly thank you guys for taking the time to read my post it's nice to be listened to. We are very ashamed of the things we have done.

I tell everyone I got out of the army because I had done everything I wanted to, Some things I didn't want to but more importantly I was sick of doing things I wish no one ever had to. In reality I was kicked out because I put my hand up and said I can't do this anymore I need help. This was a massive kick to the head for me because I had given my all for my whole career as a soldier as we all do.

My only advice is simple. If we ask for something and you don't understand why please be patient with us we don't know how to talk civilian or how to explain ourselves and more than that we feel worthless so we don't think that we have a right to ask for anything. You need to appreciate that even though we don't know how to express it, and we definitely never would say it out loud and it took me over 5 years to tell my partner that we respect you supporters so much because you hold our worlds together when we are away holding the world together. It sounds confusing but we do respect you guys immensely.

Back to your responses:
Having faith in the dark. I can't imagine how I would feel if my partner ever said something like that to me. She has said similar things before but she generalizes it for me because she knows that I believe self praise is no recommendation, and she knows I don't do anything for praise. I don't even have my medals, I refused to accept them for fear of flashing back every time I looked at them. She does however want me to go and get them for our kids, I'm still on the fence about that one. My instant reaction would be to go and get a nice tattoo designed with his name and the words my living hero, or forever my hero or something that is meaningful to you guys and go and get it without telling him, make sure it is somewhere only you guys will know about and make sure you do the romantic dinner and tell him you love him before you show him. This might not be feasible but it's an idea and he has to read it and it will open a dialog and get him to a point he talks to you about it. Something like that, maybe the tattoo is not a good idea I don't know your situation.

Discarded. Yeah I know this story well. My Grandfathers were both military, my father was military, I enlisted for the same reasons as your son, one brother tried to join but was denied on medical grounds, the other one is doing an apprenticeship but has mentioned joining the army to finish it. I go nuts and flip out every time and tell them they have already got their pound of flesh out of our family between me and my father. As far as my 3 boys go I am not sure how I will deal with it but I know I am emotionally more equipped every day to have a mature conversation about it with them if I have to. Watch a video that vvcs puts out called "Your not in the forces now" it is absolutely brilliant, and it highlights how as a soldier Army, Navy and Airforce, you get conditioned to be more susceptible to PTSD then any other career and how they do it and why. Your partner doesn't have to go and get it I am pretty sure you will be able to get it if you go in. I actually have my very own copy and finally showed my partner the other week, I also showed my mother who is now separated from my dad and getting divorced, they both found it illuminating but I think I got more out of it then they did. I still haven't got the courage up to show my dad as he is in denial about his PTSD.

I've followed this thread and check my emails regularly so if there is ever anything you want to bounce off me please don't hesitate to post.

As always guys goodluck

 

[havingfaithinthedark]

My only advice is simple. If we ask for something and you don't understand why please be patient with us we don't know how to talk civilian or how to explain ourselves and more than that we feel worthless so we don't think that we have a right to ask for anything. You need to appreciate that even though we don't know how to express it, and we definitely never would say it out loud and it took me over 5 years to tell my partner that we respect you supporters so much because you hold our worlds together when we are away holding the world together. It sounds confusing but we do respect you guys immensely.

Thank you for this advice as it is the same thing my husband has said to me time and time again, and yes there are many times I still did what I thought was best and not what he was really saying he needed. Many of the things he ask for doesn't make sense and at the same time I have found out that some of the normal things that use to be ok were only making things worst for him, and because of this he shut down and blocked me out.

We lost the way we would communicate with each other and the only way for a few months was to fight. We would go round for round. Those months were so hard and so much anger and hate, I am glad to be over those months now and I hate looking back at seeing how we were destroying each other and not even noticing it. The funny thing is we were never fully mad at each other but at was happening between us and why this was happening. When your life starts on the PTSD roller-coaster no one is ever fully ready for the ups and downs at first and it is the scariest ride of your life ever.

So now all I can do if focus on me and the kids and re-enforce to my husband I am not going anywhere and with time he will see that. I have waited many months for his return or to see him and waiting for him now is no different. I said for better or for worse and with time we both learn new ways to deal with the effects of his PTSD. We are now rebuilding us slowly and I am listening more to what he says and see improvements. It’s a daily struggle but one foot in front of the other is better than going backwards or staying in place.

 

[Melsboi]

That's all you can do faith. All we do is take it 1 step at a time and sometimes it's a second by second thing depends on whether we are having a good day or a bad day. I personally have turned to a point where I look at the past as reminder of how bad things actually can get and use it as a bench mark to know whether I am heading in the right direction or not. If I find I'm taking the wrong way I take some time out for myself and reset. I'm slowing getting to the point where I try and instigate it for my supporter to take time out to reset too.

If it's any conciliation we aren't living together either.

Good luck mate this roller coaster does suck big time I agree a million per cent.

 

[discarded]

My sufferer and I have been apart now for 7 weeks, I know that doesn't sound like long but for me it seems like an eternity. We have spoken briefly on a few occasions, mostly about mundane stuff like has the rates bill come yet, or has the dog had his worm tablet. As long as converstaions do not touch on our situation all is good. I can't even discuss our 11 year old daughter without his mood changing dramatically. He hasn't had much to do with her since we moved out. I guess it is all too much for him at the moment. He asked me to hold off on solicitors and property settlements for now and he is happy for me to have 100% care of our daughter, I think it is too much for him to deal with and I feel it is easier for him to give up his daughter than face up to what is really troubling him. He does see a psychiatrist once a month but I doubt he is being honest with him.

I am scared to bring up our situation, yet decisions will eventually need to be made. It was me who decided a break was in order as we were arguing a lot and I was getting extremely angry at him. He seemed happy with the idea although he really didn't comment or try to stop me. He just said he would like to view it as a temporary separation but I don't understand what he wants me to do and he won't give any answers. I feel guilty that I left but it was destroying us both and not at all good for our daughter. I feel like I have let him down but I don't know what to do anymore. How long is enough time, if there is such a time frame, before I can make contact with him again about us? I want him to trust me again, trust that I will back off if he needs me to. I have learnt a lot since joining the forum a few ago, I have made many mistakes and realise I had very little understanding about PTSD. I just hope it isn't too late to undo all the wrong.

 

[Melsboi]

My sufferer and I have been apart now for 7 weeks, I know that doesn't sound like long but for me it seems like an eternity. We have spoken briefly on a few occasions, mostly about mundane stuff like has the rates bill come yet, or has the dog had his worm tablet. As long as converstaions do not touch on our situation all is good. I can't even discuss our 11 year old daughter without his mood changing dramatically. He hasn't had much to do with her since we moved out. I guess it is all too much for him at the moment. He asked me to hold off on solicitors and property settlements for now and he is happy for me to have 100% care of our daughter, I think it is too much for him to deal with and I feel it is easier for him to give up his daughter than face up to what is really troubling him. He does see a psychiatrist once a month but I doubt he is being honest with him.

Wow so many questions and I am by no means an expert. I will however answer honestly from my point of view and hopefully it helps.

7 weeks can be an eternity. I spent 12 months attacking my partner and 6 weeks before the end of the course I wizened up and went up to her to tell her that she was important to me and that I realized how nasty I had been. When I say nasty I had one so called professional ring her and tell her she needed to run and take my kids away from me, there was even a restraining order in place to protect her from me. That 12 months seemed like a life time. The good thing for me personally is that the last 3 months have been so amazing because I am communicating more, that the last 12 months is getting smaller. As far as enough time, In Western Australia you have 2 years after separation legally to sort out property settlement so don't rush him into it. He will want to protect any link he has to you at all costs and turn nasty if he has to do it, If he is anything like me. You can afford to tread water for a little while and let him raise the topic with you when he is ready, it's still quite fresh. The legal time frame might differ wherever you are so maybe research it via phone calls.

I may have mentioned this to you guys before but me walking out on my family made me feel like a failure as a father, that on top of feeling like a failure as a male and a provider, compounded by me failing as a soldier (even though I was discharged many years prior) made me really dark on myself to the point where I was ashamed that my kids had to have me as a father. I didn't see my 2 babies for months yet I told myself I was fighting with my partner because she wasn't letting me see them. I've since realized that the reason she kept them from me wasn't to use them as a weapon she did it to protect them from the nasty person I was being (who wasn't the man she loved or their true father). Please be patient with him, he is struggling at the moment with his identity and he is not sure enough within himself to be the man that he believes you guys deserve. If you are anything like my partner then the man you want is more important to you then what we think you deserve but we need to come to that realization in our own time.

The thing I was too gutless to ask for at the beginning of my "Committed to recovery course" this is important as I had done many courses before and never truly been committed to the recovery, but i digress. The thing I was too gutless to ask for was for my partner to be a part of the recovery with me. It has since been sorted so that me and my partner go on regular occasions to the psychologist and he helps her to understand the differences in me and helps us to reconnect. As I type this I am also preparing to go on a 5 day lifestyle program for couples through VVCS with her on Sunday. This is going to be immensely beneficial to us as a couple and as parents. Maybe you could try a conversation like "I get that you find it hard to talk to me at the moment, do you mind if I go and see your psych so I can be more understanding"

The other thing that I have implemented with my partner is that we are dating again. I know this sounds silly as we had a 5+years relationship with 2 kids to each other and 4 in total, but I am using it to introduce her to the new me, to get to know the independent her and rekindle the passion and romance that we lost for a while there because of my melt down. I don't need to know why I love her that's easy to answer, but I am using it to express to her how amazing she is in my eyes and to tell her how much I appreciate her committing to me, us and our family when I wasn't able to do it.

The other thing is that we will not be honest 100 per cent with psychs for many reasons, these include us not remembering, us not wanting to remember, us not believing they will help, and an array of stupid egotistical macho behavior that doesn't allow us to open up to people. The biggest thing that gets in our way though isn't any of these it's the fact that for us to be honest with others we have to be honest with ourselves. This involves us putting ourselves first and like I said the other night that isn't something we do easily.

My only advice is to stop and breathe for a while. Keep reminding him that you love him and your not going anywhere. Keep being for there for him when he has what he sees as moments of weakness and opens up to you, and if this happens tell him that you are proud of him for being such a strong man. It is in my opinion stronger to be a man who can communicate than a soldier who deals with communication only if it is absolutely necessary, this was a hard lesson for me to learn and it took my whole life up until a few months ago to realize I had it wrong for so many years.

Hopefully this helped and good luck.

 

[Melsboi]

Question for you all. Hopefully I have helped in some small way at least and hopefully you guys can help me. I can't find the words when I am with my partner to tell her how lucky I feel that she is in my life, I need her, I love her, she is my hero because she never asked for any of this, she didn't even make the decision to enlist and get lugged with it because of a choice she made, and yet she is still so amazingly strong that she holds it together so wonderfully and is still able to be there for me when I need her to be, even though she is looking after 3 kids on her own full time, running a house on her own, and still being strong enough to deal with her and my family who both have issues over the behavior I displayed over the last 12 months and are less than supportive about us working together.

HOW THE HELL DO I TELL HER SHE IS THE PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF EVERY FEMALE SUPER HERO PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE ROLLED INTO ONE.

 

[Melsboi]

Oh and sorry for the long responses, I don't know how to be brief.

 

[discarded]

Thank you so much for your lengthy responses. You have helped me immensely. I truly believe without a doubt your wife/partner knows very much how much you love her and appreciates everything you have been through to not only be a better person for yourself but for her and your family. You truly are an inspiration and extremely brave for being willing to include her in your recovery. That alone speaks volumes. Just say the words you wrote above, tell her as often as you can that you love her, we never get sick of hearing it. She will appreciate the words so much, I know I would.

 

[discarded]

Sorry if I hit some raw nerves for you and thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

 

[Melsboi]

It's cool no problems. I am exposing more raw nerves every day at the moment. I tell her as much as I can that I love her, I even include it in 99 per cent of my text messages, sometimes a couple of times in one message. I get told I don't have to tell her and that sometimes I am smothering her. It's harder to talk to her and to write to her when I know that I am so fortunately lucky to have a second chance. I am so afraid I am going to say something that she is going to then turn around and say "Nah I should of stayed away he isn't worth it"

 

[discarded]

Melsboi, she stayed because she believed just that, you are worth it. I believe the same about my husband, it just that he doesn't believe he is and I am not sure that he believes we are either. Have a great 5 days away on your VVCS program, hope you get heaps out of it.

 

[Melsboi]

Thanks discarded. You should look into VVCS too. I know they have been terrible in the past but they seem to have ironed it out now. They do a lot of supporter based things too.