General Combat Ptsd Supporters - Where Do You Turn?

[ProudWife99]

Hello,

My husband is an Army veteran who suffers from Combat PTSD. I have a wonderful, what I like to call, "every-day life support system." When someone at work annoys me, my best friend is only a phone call away to calm me down. When I'm feeling sad about something someone said to me, my Mom is always there to listen. I figured that these people would be my rock when I married my husband knowing he had PTSD. I learned very quickly how wrong I was.

They had good intentions and lots of love for me, but they could not begin to understand. They were angry with him, angry with me for staying, and after a couple months were openly tired of hearing about the same reoccurring problems. I often heard "If you're not going to do anything about it then we don't want to hear about it." After that I was pretty much alone.
I couldn't even make new friends because I couldn't unload on them. I couldn't unload at all. I l lived in chaos and stayed there quietly.

Aside from an online community, where do you turn locally? Are there resources you know about that point family members in that direction? Are there groups in your area? What would be ideal for you?

 

[IvyMillie]

I haven't found anyone that understands. I think they can't really get it. Also, they would think that my husband is terrible if I said things, I don't think they could distinguish that it's his illness. I tried to reach out, but it was pretty useless.

The only one I can turn to is my cat. She's such a comfort to me. Pathetic I know. I'm sure there are support groups. However, I'm not sure that would work for me.j

The only hard part is that many times my husband is fine and we get along great. So I may not need help until there is a blow up. When the blow up, though I come on this site. It' works the best for me.

However, I'm a private person and I don't have anyone that I "unload" on for anything really. I have a couple of people I can say small things to, but it's hard to find that person you can really unburden yourself to.

 

[ProudWife99]

I totally understand what you are saying. I hate the idea of our friends and family judging my husband and automatically assuming he is not a great guy. I have a little dog that seems to help me a lot, so that isn't pathetic at all!

I tried to go to a support group once, but I was the youngest wife by 30+ years and had a difficult time relating to the other women. I think a "group" setting would be nice, but less about the counseling and more about just being able to relax and share experiences with other family members who understand exactly what is going on.

 

[sisu]

I agree with Ivy ~ it's hard for other people to distinguish the difference between the man and the illness. Have you tried writing down your "vents" and thoughts in a journal? They even have that journal section on here to get those thoughts out of your head. I find that I just sometimes need to write my thoughts out and I feel much better and I am not dumping my issues on someone else. I would much rather use my time with my girlfriends or family for fun & happy times! Plus, I don't like them to comment anyway because I already know how I feel about him ~ I just want to vent out my current problem and be done with it. My friends and family love me and will always be on my side so if I ever complain to them about him, they will always take my side. I don't always want or need that. As far as work ~ I have learned to leave that sh*t at the door....when I walk out of the office for the day I am done thinking about the office. Probably helps that I am naturally an extremely laid back person and very little actually bothers me.... Maybe try Tai Chi and find your center and meditate.

Take care!
Sisu

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi ProudWife99

There are quite a few of us whose husbands/partners have Combat PTSD and I only know of one support group for us and that is part of Combat Stress in Leatherhead, Surrey.

As Sisu says, the supporters diary area could be a good place to vent and get things off your chest and you can ask for feedback if you want it.

I'm sure one day we'll get a group going and meet up somehow. Any suggestions?

I know 'wife of' started a thread where you could identify yourself as supporting someone with Combat PTSD but I guess we need to know what part of the UK we are all from.

With this forum you never have to be alone. :)

 

[soconfused]

I have certain friends I can turn to, my therapist, and the chaplain.

 

[jkr8789]

It's like I could've written this post myself... and it seems like most of us understand where you're coming from. I met and fell in love with my boyfriend 9 months ago. He was in the Marines for 4yrs, completed 5 deployments, and was diagnosed with combat PTSD when he got out last year. Our relationship has been really tough for me. And I feel like there's no one who can understand. I don't like to talk about this with my mom or my sister (they are my best friends). I feel like they'll end up judging him, which is unfair and not what I'm looking for. My family already doesn't approve of our relationship... they think he's bad for me and that I need to leave before he "drags me down." So I don't like to talk about our relationship with them. Obviously, I disagree. My family has been my support system for my entire life. I could go to them for anything. Suddenly, I'm finding myself without their support and I'm kind of as a loss. I have a few close friends, but I'm not entirely comfortable divulging this kind of information to them. It seems like everyone who is close to me doesn't understand why I haven't left yet... and I'm afraid that anyone new I decide to confide in will only come to the same conclusion. Which is not what I need.

I joined this forum last week when things with him started to go bad again. It's been helpful reading the threads on here and realizing that I am far from being alone. I wish I had a good suggestion for you as to where you can turn... but I don't have the answers myself. I'm a runner, and so I naturally turn to exercise to cope with emotional stress. Sometimes that just isn't enough. Sometimes I wonder if this is just something I'll have to come to accept if I want to remain in this relationship...

 

[novemberDark]

The only one I can turn to is my cat. She's such a comfort to me. Pathetic

 

[novemberDark]

How could that possibly be, cats (unlike dogs) don't even love unconditionally! . There's nothing pathetic about your cat's comforting you, on the contrary that's wonderful !.

I can relate to what you are saying about friends and family not understanding. I went through that while romantically involved with a sufferer from ptsd (we remain friends). The people close to you become protective of you and your feelings while you are so vulnerable and hurt. They treat it as a "normal relationship/ relationship break up". At some point I actually felt like I was defending myself and him, which just added to more stress ( I'm familiar with emotional abuse from a marriage) and started to question myself if this was mistreatment or due to ptsd. All it takes is a little reading and research on their part about ptsd, but while they focus on you possibly being treated badly, they don't want to make that effort. The fact that they don't understand while you are going through wondering why's (isolation,pushed away etc) makes you talk about it and so much that they don't want to hear anymore about it, it even makes them mad because they don't like to see you being mistreated.

 

[LilBit]

Hmmm, doesn't have to be combat ptsd to go through that. No one approves of my friendship with my sufferer. Even though she has never mistreated me in any way. They see the isolation and pushing away, how it hurts me, seem to perceive her as a user even though she never asks for or wants anything. They just sense it's not a normal two-way street, don't understand why I give when I don't seem to receive in their eyes. It took a while to sink in that it is just something I can't talk about, they just don't understand. And even those who know more about her trauma history just don't seem to get how it affects her in practice. I pray, I read here, but I no longer try to talk about my feelings to anyone. They just don't want to hear it. They only want to hear that I am done with a friendship that isn't easy or standard.

 

[novemberDark]

If you feel you should be done with a friendship than fine. When your on a one way street, but your ok with that, strong enough and looking out for yourself, then fine.

I'd say trust your own instinct's. Your staying loyal to yourself that way and i find it helps. For me personally a friendship takes away a lot of the pressure, but the importance to maintain that as a base (even if there is little contact or communication), it is very important. Just knowing you remain there to reach out to when necessary can be very crucial knowledge for both ! In my case that's where the one way splits in two, if that makes sense. Its irrelevant what those, who have only their focus on me and my best interest in mind think. That's beyond their understanding (same as my sense of responsibility and obligation goes beyond there understanding). They re emotionally involved with only me.

I just follow my gut with that. You have to see for yourself and your situation how it will work best for you ( selfpreservation etc).

 

[Baba61]

I don't know where you live and I can't tell from your profile page but I live in Canada and there is actually a fair amount of support for spouses/family of combat ptsd sufferers. It's very common that people don't think there is much and obviously there is a whole lot more for the sufferer than the supporter but still, it's there.

In case this is helpful to you or anyone else here from Canada: there are OSISS family support groups. I live in a small-mid sized community and the one here meets every couple of weeks. These are a place for family (primarily spouses) to get together, share the current happenings, unload, get some coping strategies, etc. Even if the group environment might not be for you, you might meet even just 1 person that you "click" with that you would like to form a friendship and support system with outside of the group setting. There is also individual counselling available to spouses. Again, counselling might not be what you think you want but it's possible to at least unload and get some coping strategies through these sessions.

There are social workers through the base medical system, they may be able to help you connect with other local resources.