Alright, from what I've gathered on countless threads on here, the my combatptsd forum, countless military/vet spouse blogs, and other misc. help resources...the holidays are rough for everyone, but particularly if you're dealing with PTSD. Is this true for you? Do you find yourself dealing with the overflowing stress cup when you mix in a loved one, fam, friends, work, general public, plus your past experiences? Avoidance. Going 'dark'. Sticking to a rigid routine?
Though I know people have shared similar/identical situations, I will share mine:
Post Thanksgiving we were doing well, having fun, enjoying each other's company . Topic of finding new birth control options came up. For the first time in awhile, we seriously discussed all the options and how we each felt regarding it. This was a huge relief for me, and made me super appreciative we could talk about it together. I agreed to schedule an appointment and talk to my Dr. to look into it.
Eventually the conversation shifted, I brought up when I might meet his new coworkers (used to be long distance, but he moved up to my city end of Oct) and/or family (his parents live in CA but routinely visit him from time to time).The conversation was open and communicative, but also slid downhill fast. He immediately threw up the "I'm too f***ed up, you deserve better" wall. Anyway, regardless that this conversation was like this...I was relieved because I felt for once he was truly opening up. I had never known he ever felt 'broken' to the point that he didn't 'think' he deserved me. Or as he puts it "I don't think I can give you what you want" --though I'm not sure where that is coming from.
I just want us to continue growing as we have, building up the trust foundation (he's admitted to trusting me), friendship...him being in my life. The romance, dates/intimacy/whatever (I won't lie!) are thoroughly enjoyed when they come, but that isn't the main reason I'm in this. I could get that from nearly anyone, but I'm not interested. I'm sure some of you have felt the same?
So, the night ended well. He was really tense and got frustrated about how I reacted when I said something, but we worked it out. I recognized I reacted and rephrased what I should've said. He accepted the apology. We ended the night positively. This was a new approach for me, and I contribute it to my personal growth I've been working on. Backstory on me: I'm in school, therapy, practice yoga, journal, volunteer aka have busy life outside of him. Naturally. Plus been taking the hints from other resources on the 'best ways' to care for myself first. Think oxygen mask on airplane.
However since then he's been avoiding seeing me, or I should say breaking off our potential plans. Said he's unsure of that right now because of our last conversation. Says we will hang out some time else. He isn't mad a me. Had mentioned feeling weird and not in good mood. Needing time to himself. That was two days after our conversation. Later that weekend PSTD reared itself, "I don't want to date anyone. I don't want emotional attachment. I don't like when you manipulate me." I told him wasn't my intention and I had just expressed myself to him honestly. Said I was there if he ever needed me. Took steps back.
I had an amazing week last week, was thinking of him while out for lunch and decided to pick him up a small meal. Dropped it by his work. He was busy, giving him benefit of doubt, and didn't answer his phone plus main office was locked...so I just left it at front door with his name. No signature. Text him that it was there.
After the fact I went into an anxious downspiral realization: He hates surprises. He keeps his life compartmentalized. While I know I did this gesture out of the love and kindness in my heart (think throwing a paper airplane and not caring who catches it, I knew there was a possibility he wouldn't get it. I wasn't 100% sure he even was there). I was beginning to worry he would look at it as an invasion. Intruder attack. 'A manipulation'.
Several hours later he text me. Said thank you for it, that it was really good. Please no more surprises like that in the future though.
Bricks were lifted off my chest. As far as I could sense he wasn't mad beyond reconciliation (my fear), he savored the food (thankful, my intention) and I just reaffirmed back saying "the sandwich reminded me of something you'd enjoy. Glad you got it. Ok, I will do that"
Emphasis on the last part: I WILL.
I recognize I made a mistake, but I wasn't sorry. If that makes any sense. I was being myself, he knows that. He knows I love giving my loved ones gifts. I'm just glad he communicated to me how to help him (likely from overflowing his cup).
With all that said, there are something's that have also been on my mind:
Last year around thanksgiving he went dark. There's a significance from Veterans Day through the new year. Or so it seems. I'm talking months of not a peep. We weren't as close as we are now, and I didn't know about PTSD then. My aunt I'm close to had mentioned I look into it, but I brushed it off. I didn't wait around either. None the less I did think of him and missed him. When we reunited (see our story in another post), he came clean to me about how he struggles with it. Recently since moving closer for his job, he mentioned jokingly in a conversation about one of his good friends/coworkers (also a combat vet) that he (my friend) may also have slight tbi (like his friend/coworker).
This was the first time Id ever heard anything about this out of him and I didn't press anything. Meaning I didn't ask if he's been diagnosed or what. I could tell by how he was bringing it up it was uncomfortable for him, made him uneasy, so he masked it with humor? But honestly I was concerned, got home after our outing and dove into my lit review. Coincidently "things started to make sense" (Christ where was this info earlier?) and how I found this forum.
More misc. thoughts:
So, before we met he had a girlfriend. Left school, wasn't for him he decided (he was room mates with a friend of mine from HS), met a gal and moved back to CA (born & raised). From what I know, they lived together, fell hard, dates for about a year...but she was a compulsive liar and emotionally dependent. I don't know if he was ever open with her about his past. I like to think as honest as he's been with me, that he was though. Long story short. Shit hit the fan for them and it was an ugly break up. I'm talking quit his job, cut his lease, packed his truck, let most of everything in CA and drove straight back to OR. New slate.
With this and two other girlfriends he's had in the waaay past (he didn't have relationships while he was active duty), they've all ended poorly.
He's told me women can't be trusted, so when I say he's told me he trusts me that means a lot I feel for both of us.
Something I hadn't thought of but his younger sister was a hell raiser after he joined and has since wrecked emotional havok on his family. Cutting ties and taking the grand babies too. He's openly told me he likely will never reach out to her again, and how the whole thing crushed his parents--particularly his mom.
Now for mom. I know he loves her sincerely, but last year he came out to me about his parents (how they met, married, their issues, and their sticking it out) and mentioned how his mom has been unfaithful, a liar, and that he doesn't understand why or how his dad has put up with it. My parents are divorced, so this conversation came about because he shared his parents were on the brink (back while he was in combat, he learned it all when he got out). This was devastating for him. Anyway, the folks turned back to their religion and are still together.
So.... coincidence that all these women in his past have history of abusing trust ...aka non negotiable for him? When compounded with infantry past...could this be an indicator of what may be contributing to our friendship strife as of late?
Not expecting crystal balls. Just curious from sufferers how much of these past experiences, meaning others that aren't directly correlated with perse combat experience, could also escalate PSTD symptoms/reactions?
Trying to be empathetic and patient. Recognize 99.9%likely hasn't gotten a thing to do with me.
Though I know people have shared similar/identical situations, I will share mine:
Post Thanksgiving we were doing well, having fun, enjoying each other's company . Topic of finding new birth control options came up. For the first time in awhile, we seriously discussed all the options and how we each felt regarding it. This was a huge relief for me, and made me super appreciative we could talk about it together. I agreed to schedule an appointment and talk to my Dr. to look into it.
Eventually the conversation shifted, I brought up when I might meet his new coworkers (used to be long distance, but he moved up to my city end of Oct) and/or family (his parents live in CA but routinely visit him from time to time).The conversation was open and communicative, but also slid downhill fast. He immediately threw up the "I'm too f***ed up, you deserve better" wall. Anyway, regardless that this conversation was like this...I was relieved because I felt for once he was truly opening up. I had never known he ever felt 'broken' to the point that he didn't 'think' he deserved me. Or as he puts it "I don't think I can give you what you want" --though I'm not sure where that is coming from.
I just want us to continue growing as we have, building up the trust foundation (he's admitted to trusting me), friendship...him being in my life. The romance, dates/intimacy/whatever (I won't lie!) are thoroughly enjoyed when they come, but that isn't the main reason I'm in this. I could get that from nearly anyone, but I'm not interested. I'm sure some of you have felt the same?
So, the night ended well. He was really tense and got frustrated about how I reacted when I said something, but we worked it out. I recognized I reacted and rephrased what I should've said. He accepted the apology. We ended the night positively. This was a new approach for me, and I contribute it to my personal growth I've been working on. Backstory on me: I'm in school, therapy, practice yoga, journal, volunteer aka have busy life outside of him. Naturally. Plus been taking the hints from other resources on the 'best ways' to care for myself first. Think oxygen mask on airplane.
However since then he's been avoiding seeing me, or I should say breaking off our potential plans. Said he's unsure of that right now because of our last conversation. Says we will hang out some time else. He isn't mad a me. Had mentioned feeling weird and not in good mood. Needing time to himself. That was two days after our conversation. Later that weekend PSTD reared itself, "I don't want to date anyone. I don't want emotional attachment. I don't like when you manipulate me." I told him wasn't my intention and I had just expressed myself to him honestly. Said I was there if he ever needed me. Took steps back.
I had an amazing week last week, was thinking of him while out for lunch and decided to pick him up a small meal. Dropped it by his work. He was busy, giving him benefit of doubt, and didn't answer his phone plus main office was locked...so I just left it at front door with his name. No signature. Text him that it was there.
After the fact I went into an anxious downspiral realization: He hates surprises. He keeps his life compartmentalized. While I know I did this gesture out of the love and kindness in my heart (think throwing a paper airplane and not caring who catches it, I knew there was a possibility he wouldn't get it. I wasn't 100% sure he even was there). I was beginning to worry he would look at it as an invasion. Intruder attack. 'A manipulation'.
Several hours later he text me. Said thank you for it, that it was really good. Please no more surprises like that in the future though.
Bricks were lifted off my chest. As far as I could sense he wasn't mad beyond reconciliation (my fear), he savored the food (thankful, my intention) and I just reaffirmed back saying "the sandwich reminded me of something you'd enjoy. Glad you got it. Ok, I will do that"
Emphasis on the last part: I WILL.
I recognize I made a mistake, but I wasn't sorry. If that makes any sense. I was being myself, he knows that. He knows I love giving my loved ones gifts. I'm just glad he communicated to me how to help him (likely from overflowing his cup).
With all that said, there are something's that have also been on my mind:
Last year around thanksgiving he went dark. There's a significance from Veterans Day through the new year. Or so it seems. I'm talking months of not a peep. We weren't as close as we are now, and I didn't know about PTSD then. My aunt I'm close to had mentioned I look into it, but I brushed it off. I didn't wait around either. None the less I did think of him and missed him. When we reunited (see our story in another post), he came clean to me about how he struggles with it. Recently since moving closer for his job, he mentioned jokingly in a conversation about one of his good friends/coworkers (also a combat vet) that he (my friend) may also have slight tbi (like his friend/coworker).
This was the first time Id ever heard anything about this out of him and I didn't press anything. Meaning I didn't ask if he's been diagnosed or what. I could tell by how he was bringing it up it was uncomfortable for him, made him uneasy, so he masked it with humor? But honestly I was concerned, got home after our outing and dove into my lit review. Coincidently "things started to make sense" (Christ where was this info earlier?) and how I found this forum.
More misc. thoughts:
So, before we met he had a girlfriend. Left school, wasn't for him he decided (he was room mates with a friend of mine from HS), met a gal and moved back to CA (born & raised). From what I know, they lived together, fell hard, dates for about a year...but she was a compulsive liar and emotionally dependent. I don't know if he was ever open with her about his past. I like to think as honest as he's been with me, that he was though. Long story short. Shit hit the fan for them and it was an ugly break up. I'm talking quit his job, cut his lease, packed his truck, let most of everything in CA and drove straight back to OR. New slate.
With this and two other girlfriends he's had in the waaay past (he didn't have relationships while he was active duty), they've all ended poorly.
He's told me women can't be trusted, so when I say he's told me he trusts me that means a lot I feel for both of us.
Something I hadn't thought of but his younger sister was a hell raiser after he joined and has since wrecked emotional havok on his family. Cutting ties and taking the grand babies too. He's openly told me he likely will never reach out to her again, and how the whole thing crushed his parents--particularly his mom.
Now for mom. I know he loves her sincerely, but last year he came out to me about his parents (how they met, married, their issues, and their sticking it out) and mentioned how his mom has been unfaithful, a liar, and that he doesn't understand why or how his dad has put up with it. My parents are divorced, so this conversation came about because he shared his parents were on the brink (back while he was in combat, he learned it all when he got out). This was devastating for him. Anyway, the folks turned back to their religion and are still together.
So.... coincidence that all these women in his past have history of abusing trust ...aka non negotiable for him? When compounded with infantry past...could this be an indicator of what may be contributing to our friendship strife as of late?
Not expecting crystal balls. Just curious from sufferers how much of these past experiences, meaning others that aren't directly correlated with perse combat experience, could also escalate PSTD symptoms/reactions?
Trying to be empathetic and patient. Recognize 99.9%likely hasn't gotten a thing to do with me.
