Combat Vet, Holidays, And Depressionw

[Ablack835]

Happy Thanksgiving to all and I hope and pray everyone here finds even the smallest thing for which to be thankful!

I invited my new vet to spend Thanksgiving with my family this year. We had talked about what each of us do for the holidays and he told me he rarely makes it to his parents place who live out of state but when his sister stays in town he spends the holidays with her and her family. When all of his family is out of state he goes down state to watch football at the bars (he says he's done this completely alone before but I don't know how frequently that is.) He told me his sister is going to his parents' this year which is when I extended the invitation. He thanked me and told me how sweet it was that I would do that but said he has social anxiety, which I already knew. I have some social anxiety issues myself even where my extended family is concerned. I told him I understood but if he wanted to we could be uncomfortable together and eat in a corner alone if that's what he wanted. I assured him it wouldn't be a heavy day with interrogations from family members about him or us and everyone would be nice and friendly and I would just introduce him as my friend. I told him there was no pressure whether he decided to go or not but the thought of him being alone makes my heart ache, not out of pity but because he deserves to have some where to go! I dropped the issue shortly after I made the initial offer and decided to ask him again as the day got closer. I talked to him about it again yesterday and he kinda snapped at me and said he would rather be alone watching football. I don't take it personally and if that is truly what he wants I can accept that. My concern is that I know this can be an exceptionally rough time for people who are prone to depression and anxiety. I've already heard about two vets killing themselves in the last week through friends. Now I know I can't control him, but what can I do to convey how much I care without completely overwhelming him? How do I let him know he doesn't have to be alone? Can I do anything to help get him through this holiday season in one piece?

 

[Em C.]

Could you offer to stay home and watch football with him? Not saying you should give up your own family but it may show how much you care. He probably snapped at you (not saying it's right or anything) because meeting new people is terrifying already, but with ptsd there is a huge concern about if you are triggered in front of new people (ie if the family drunk talks about mental illness not existing in my case) it is pretty much the worst thing we can imagine, or at least I can aside from actually dangerous traumatic events. Being around people is exhausting. I'm not dangerously dexpressed but at the moment I am ignoring most of the people I know and staying

 

[Sighs]

Sadly, agonizingly, frustratingly, probably not.

Holidays are really hard for many vets. I guess the reasons for that are as varied as our vets, but in my vet's case I think its because he feels disconnected from society, his relationship with his family is difficult - in part due to his extended absences while deployed and in part due to his PTSD which they don't really understand, he feels guilty to 'celebrate' a holiday when many of his mates are no longer here, etc etc.

Living with the fear of your loved one committing suicide is one of the hardest things about being in a relationship with someone with a serious mental illness. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but I struggle with that fear often.

You have offered to include him in your family gathering. He appears to have declined and asked for space. As hard as it is for supporters sometimes sufferers need to be alone.

 

[Friday]

He knows he doesn't have to be alone. You invited him, and he declined.

Personally, if I didn't have my son with me this holiday, I'd be at the bar right next to him (or 40 random blokes, point is, miles away from people I need to behave around) watching the game in high heaven of not having to deal with family stress. Much less someone else's family stress. It's a well meant offer. I'm sure he appreciates the thought behind it. Take him at his word, however. While I'm sure there are passive aggressive vets out there, most of us tend to be pretty blunt and straightforward. Why waste time with BS?

I've had years where I'm turning down 8 orphan's thanksgivings because -dammit- I just want to be alone, years where I'm happily bouncing back and forth between orphan's thanksgivings, years with family, and years at the bar or pub being social-but-not. I'm generally at my best, when I wing it, according to mood. Meaning I may start out isolating, jolt of energy sends to me a friends or the bar or wherever. Or I may start out social and just need to take a long walk elsewhere and go curl up in bed. We get pretty decent at doing what we need to, when we need to. It's when we try and do what we want to, instead of need to, that fur tends to fly.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Meh, finish up dinner with your family, then go down to the bar and have a beer and watch the game with him afterwards. The ability to gracefully "wing it" goes a long way for supporters. The best laid plans often crumble at the last minute when PTSD rears its ugly head.

 

[TIFFk]

I'm in a similar situation ..my bf has not verbally declined my invitation YET but I'm fully prepared for the last minute no I will get tomorrow probably 20 minutes before time to be there. I have already made plan B arrangements to offer to spend time with him after seeing my family. He also has no plans for thanksgiving and I hate that he will likely be alone for part if it ...but it is his choice to make I can only do what I can do and be as available as I can be :) . I also plan on bringing him a plate home if there are leftovers. I sincerely wish you and your partner a happy thanksgiving!