Communication In Between Sessions

[sun seeker]

Hm... so you want support, but not for people to know about you.

What would the support you need look like then? What would fill the need?

 

[Snowflake]

Hm... so you want support, but not for people to know about you.

What would the support you need loo...

I am afraid if people knew me-they would hate me. I want someone to just hold the little girl within me and tell me it's going to be OK and nothing was my fault. But writing here that's not gonna happen .... I will still be alone. I hate being alone -with memories , feelings, thoughts. I want to feel okay-loved-acknowledged-cared about. I want a friend to help me through this without thinking I am ugly, disgusting, smelly, crazy. I just want one person to tell me it will be okay and they believe me and will be right by my side holding my hand.

 

[Suzetig]

So then the little girl in me says she doesn't care and that she's only doing this because it's her job. I mean if she really did care wouldnt you think she would at least check in with me to make sure I'm still there?

I can understand the little girl in you wanting someone to check in with you, the way a caring parent might when they know their child is ill or struggling in some way. Is there a way for you to offer that part of you care and concern? Maybe snuggling on the sofa with a soft blanket, or a cuddly toy, spending time with someone who cares for you or having some favourite food, or colouring books etc? Something that is soothing for the parts that feel a bit ragged?

 

[sun seeker]

I just want one person to tell me it will be okay and they believe me and will be right by my side holding my hand.

Of course you do. That's only natural.

And yes, a therapist can do that for you. They just can't be with you all the time. They can do that within certain boundaries. I think what you are expressing here is what some would refer to as the bottomless pit that is left by child abuse. It feels so vast, as if no one and nothing could ever fill it. It's like an insatiable hunger. Maybe, now that you are in therapy and have someone there to meet a little bit of that need, you are feeling even more vividly how vast the need is?

I still feel that often. But one thing I do know: those corrective experiences during therapy do eventually begin to fill in that gap. And I'll tell you what, in my experience, the best thing to for that little girl is: recognize and talk about those feelings. Honour them. If your therapist can be present for that little girl in you, she will begin to feel heard and loved. And eventually, even though it doesn't seem like it now, you will be able to give her more of what she needs. You just need someone to show you the way.

 

[joeylittle]

I want someone to just hold the little girl within me and tell me it's going to be OK and nothing was my fault.

I think the goal is for you to become that someone who can care for your image of your younger self. It doesn't happen lickety-split, but it's why there's such an emphasis in therapy on self-care in general. People can provide support, but the only person who can truly take care of you, is you.

Can you make a list of smaller things, things that could provide you a small, temporary sense of safety, or connection, or pride? Believe it or not, I get a great deal out of making an actual list of goals for myself for the day, and then completing them. We aren't talking big things. I get a sense of accomplishment from taking a shower, these days. And it's small, but I know that it does add up to something. I feel OK about myself for a bit, and that's better than the alternative.

Also - talk to your therapist about what you are thinking. Problem-solve together. They can know us pretty well, but they aren't mind-readers; and in my experience, they appreciate being told what's on our minds.

 

[sun seeker]

I think the goal is for you to become that someone who can care for your image of your younger self. It doesn't happen lickety-split, but it's why there's such an emphasis in therapy on self-care in general.

I just want to add something to this. That is indeed the eventual goal, but sometimes I wonder if we either misunderstand what this means or overemphasize it. Kids grow up and learn self care by being cared for and gradually internalizing the experience. Even then, it is normal to still need others - it's just that the balance shifts so it isn't so devastating if there is no one else there to care for us. But I don't think it is healthy to aim for never needing anyone else. I wonder whether sometimes we misunderstand the goal of taking care of our younger selves as meaning that we should "never need anything from anyone." I know I've had this misconception, which is why I bring it up. There were times I've taken people's advice to take care of my younger self or give myself what I need as saying that I was too needy when I couldn't seem to do that.

It's okay to need others, and it's okay to ask for help. In fact, asking for help is a good thing. Where it becomes a problem is if so much is hanging on other people's responses that we are devastated if they are not able to do what we ask.

Therapy is a good place to practice asking for and receiving help, as well as a good place to learn self care skills. Sometimes, when we don't have a blueprint for self care from childhood, we need others to prime the pump a little.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself very well here, so please ask if I'm not being clear. I felt the need to say something but feel like I'm not doing very well at expressing my thoughts.

 

[joeylittle]

I think you are explaining it well, @sun seeker. Something that I have been wrestling with is that 'others' component. Probably, the better way for me to have said it would have been that the goal is to be able to have a solid, mostly-reliable and generally capable sense of self. So that you have a 'you' to rely on, when you need.

It's a tough one for me, because I've got real deficits in the 'others' support category - like, really, none. I know that's a thing I need to work on, but I also know that making it happen is more than I can handle right now. And, I'm afraid of what happens when I can't change that whole situation. I shouldn't be afraid of something that hasn't happened, but it's probably why I'm very tuned into self-support right now.

 

[mrsmegan]

People have given you so much great advice, but I just wanted to chime in and encourage you to talk about these feelings with your T. I think you are asking yourself all of the right questions and seeking out all of the right things. It is hard stuff and the uncomfortable feelings can be unbearable at times, but you are doing what you need to do in terms of seeing a therapist and seeking out support here.

(hugs)

 

[Pencil]

That is indeed the eventual goal, but sometimes I wonder if we either misunderstand what this means or overemphasize it. Kids grow up and learn self care by being cared for and gradually internalizing the experience. Even then, it is normal to still need others - it's just that the balance shifts so it isn't so devastating if there is no one else there to care for us. But I don't think it is healthy to aim for never needing anyone else. I wonder whether sometimes we misunderstand the goal of taking care of our younger selves

Amen.

Taking care of younger selves without ever having experienced being cared for is as senseless as giving yourself a blood transfusion, or lending yourself money when in financial need.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I can call my (T) and leave a message for her to call me. I normally relate if I'm having a real bad time or just at her convenience. She normally calls me back that day if it's real bad. It's kind of a safety plan. Peace of mind plan maybe a better wording. It makes me feel better to know I have a person to call and it relives some of the pressure right away by just leaving a message. I suppose it's me doing something positive or working the problem that helps.

 

[Pencil]

@Snowflake: How did this thread make you feel?

 

[sun seeker]

I love your question, @Pencil. So simple, yet so easy to forget. Empathy isn't about "fixing" people, it's about attuning with them. Good reminder.