Complex hangup

[Deleted member 42121]

Hi CPTSD-ers!

Thanks for having me... I'm new!

I have a hangup in general about the PTSD or CPTSD that makes it hard for me to accept treatment as I don't feel like it was "bad enough" to qualify me... like its some certificate program in night school one must qualify for.

This is dispite having nearly all symptoms and DSM criteria, my partner saying "thats you, thats you, you have that, get help!" and multiple therapist and a physicians reccomdation.

I always think... 'it wasn't that bad' and that someone else had a worse life, worse experience, more horrible incident. I literally feel like it is a badge that is for military war veterans (or some other severe event pick any that my brain says is "wprse than mine") and this "best of the worst"... well that is the worst of all of the bad experiences... like its a "top 5 worst lives" award... they get PTSD and I should "get over it".

I don't have any stigma about receiving treatment in general as I have sought help for years... depression, anxiety, insomnia etc... it just seems like the CPTSD title should go to someone with a better horrible life than what I got.

Has anyone ever felt this way? I literally feel like I'm taking attention away from someone who really had it bad like a POW and deminishing their problem... like if I were to park in a disabled persons parking spot... but worse.

But, I actually recognize that I have a disabled brain... like literally, I can't deal with the sick brain I have anymore.

I guess thats why I never talked about the bad stuff that happened to me and just tried to "move on"? I feel like I should just "get over it" and there are worse things that someone can't get over and they have PTSD...

Does this make sense to anyone? Trying to understand my own mind here... any help is appreciated.

 

[Suzetig]

It does make sense, yes. Other people live throughout the terrible, horrible things but my stuff wasn't too bad is a really good way of protecting ourselves from the impact of what we did survive.

Except it's not a game of comparison or who had it the worst, there are lots of things that influence whether we develop PTSD or not and actually very little of that relates to the trauma itself. Three people could be in the exact same situation and one develop ptsd and be very debilitated, one have some post trauma stress which settles and one person be pretty much unaffected. Our reactions to things very much depends on how we understand and make sense of what happened, how long it happened for, the kind of support we had access to, our innate resilience etc that it doesn't matter much whether someone else had it worse.

Have you been formally diagnosed with PTSD? What did they tell you the diagnosis was based on?

 

[trying to heal]

I have been struggling with this lately too. I have been given the dx of cPTSD ( by trained psychologist who deals with trauma) for about a year now

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Yes, it does make so much sense! I actually often feel the same way...I feel like there are plenty of people who had it way worse than I did. I actually did "get over it" pretty quickly in fact-however, now years later I realized that wasn't "getting over it" and being strong but, rather disassociating completely and not dealing with it at all and now I have developed PTSD. I don't know your circumstances/situation but, since you do have PTSD that means you went through trauma and all trauma no matter what it is is just that-trauma and shouldn't be taken lightly. I think it is better to deal with it now because as my t has said "if we don't deal with it and push it down when it comes back up it is even uglier/harder to deal with"-I had to learn this the hard way. I hope I have helped let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way. From reading the forums, it seems like denial/minimizing is a pretty trademark symptom of PTSD.

 

[ladee]

I completely understand how you feel. I start sharing in my diary, and knowing what others have endured, and I feel like a whiny baby compared to what I know others have gone thru... but then I have to remind myself, my pain was, and still is real. The way I saw myself in the world was real.... I was broken. Thank goodness we are the only ones who minimize... no one here has ever said, suck it up, get over it.... so I just try to use others stories as gratitude that mine wasn't that bad.... but I have been affected, it has affected my life choices, which in turn made things worse.... so ya, I understand.... so go for help, if it helps you to leave the 'label' out of it, then that doesn't mean you are in denial, just means you will make better progress without the label...

Wishing you success on your healing journey. This is the perfect place to be accepted and supported, regardless of what got us here...

 

[Lucycat]

I am a long way down my healing journey, having been diagnosed with CPTSD back in the beginning of 2010. I am far better than I was and there are days when I think I no longer have CPTSD. But then - it only takes something really small and unimportant and I fly - usually at my nearest and dearest - and then both he and I remember that diagnosis.

I get big time stressed and anxious at minuscule problems. My perspective is warped. My husband says I am paranoid and neurotic - in a nice kind of way. He is not being insulting, just being factual about my warped thinking at times. He tries to point out my reaction is illogical and exaggerated.

I do think that accepting your diagnosis is a huge step to managing it...

 

[Deleted member 42121]

Hi Ladies... thanks for posting on my thread. It really makes me feel good to know I am not alone. Its also good to know that 'minimizing' is a common thread with PTSD and I have done this to the extreme! I'm like the "suck it up and ACT normal" high functioning type... I am completely normal in most ways until I go completely insane... like I literally feel like I am insane and not in control of myself at all.

As far as the official diagnosis... I guess I don't know for sure if I have one really but, I can ask about it at my next appt. I was referred to a counselor for PTSD by my medical doctor... he said that he didn't think my reoccuring visits in his office were 'physical' and recommended that I take a walk to the psych office down the way and talk to them about PTSD.

In my life in general... I have been in and out of therapists, psychiatrists, groups classes etc for pretty much every psyc related problem EXCEPT for cPTSD... that is literally the ONLY thing I haven't been in for and I kinda felt like Helena Bonham Carter in fight club... do you remember her in that movie? How she chain smokes constantly, is completely crazy and goes to all these groups like 'cancer survivors', AA, NA, I think she even goes to a group for men's testicular cancer as a 'survivor' or something like that... but, finally the first thing that COMPLETELY makes sense to me although it seems so IMPOSSIBLE too... is cPTSD.

I guess my situation is:

1) Im in denial
2) I don't want to be a "victim"... ever
3) saying cPtsd makes me acknowledge that Im a victim... and that person had power over me and ruined my life even beyond the time the abuse stopped... even though that person is now DEAD they are still ruining my life! It makes me want to just NOT have ptsd becuse then its like I have to acknowledge that what happened ruined me.

So... bad childhood... lots to "get over" and "move past"... I think I 'forgot' a lot and it is literally stripped from my memory except for some psycho nightmares and... as I read these blogs and think about it more and more and more comes streaming in...

In the past as talk-therapy or depression treatment would start I would very quickly feel like the sewer was backing up into my life and I couldn't take it and went back to my normal method to just "ignore and move forward"...

as I woman I learned how to be an ANGRY ice-queen total bitch... like as angry as men get... I am super friendly, outgoing and completely NORMAL until something happens and I flash crazy-like. Also, due to my childhood I learned not to cry... I am pretty sure I didn't cry or express any emotions that are typically associated with being a woman like "getting emotional" and for ten years, maybe TWENTY years... someone could drop dead in front of me and I would look at them with a blank stare... and I became a fighter at a very young age and it helped me survive... according to others I have a very combative personality that is hard to deal with. I think my anger had suited me well and makes me feel safe in many environments however, is completely detrimental to a normal adult interpersonal relationship like having a boyfriend... especially a really passive, easygoing type man like I have at home here.

I have behaviors that are more like a combat veteran type PTSD flaring anger (I know a few myself from being from a military family... dad and grandpa in the Army/AF... WWII, Korea, Vietnam)... and I exhibit behaviors that I feel are normal but, are probably more suited for the marines or a cage fight and not being a girlfriend. I literaly flash into this state from normalcy to a feeling of kill or be killed like I am in a life threatening circumstance even if it is something very minor to any normal person or even to myself if I can look back on the situation with clarity.

What brought up the cptsd topic after ALL THESE YEARS is that we moved to the suburbs... my boyfriend thought it would help me settle down... less stimulus for me... if you live in a downtown area you know what I mean by "stimulus". So, my boyfriend thinks it would be good to get a house and a dog (my dog died two years ago and it was the WORST thing that ever happened to me EVER... WORST EVER... I would have rather died myself) so, finally, I felt ready to get a dog. We move to the burbs and get a house.

After we settle in for a couple weeks I bump into the lovebug of my life and we bring home a new puppy... a wild, rambunctious, large girl puppy. I brought her home THAT day. You know us 'passionate' types... this dog IS OUR DOG AND IS NOT STAYING IN THE SHELTER ONE NIGHT.

Two days after I brought our new puppy home, on our first dog walk together, in our new suburban neighborhood, as we were walking back to our house, on the opposite side of the street from our house, there was a dog inside the backyard of that house across the street. I heard it running along the fence and barking at us and suddenly before I knew what was happening... A HUGE DOG shoved through the fence and was on top of my puppy, they were snarling and fighting and I thought she was going to be killed... she was run down in the sreet and I went with them... I punched and fought the dog as best as I could but, it was a huge Akita and nothing I did would cause it to let her go. I screamed as loud as I could "HELP US HELP US HELP US" at the house that the dog came from... over and over... I didn't know if they were home... I just screamed louder and louder at the dogs house... I thought we were both going to be killed and it seemed to go on forever...

I screamed louder and louder HELP US!!! I saw a person come to the second story window of the house the dog came from, as I screamed for our lives I saw someone look out and close the blinds again.

Nobody came to help us from the house and I screamed louder... maybe they didn't hear me? I kept screaming and screaming and hitting the dog but, it had no effect and I was afraid to get too near its mouth and have my face mauled... I tried kneeing it as hard as I could and pulling my dog away... I screamed louder... louder still... somehow (I don't know what happened around this time) its like there is a lapse in time here... I was standing in the street with my dog and facing the attacking dog and he was about to lunge for us again and then my boyfriend was at the scene (he had heard my screams from the back of our house) and had run out and came out of nowhere... I looked at him, looked at the dog, saw the dog was poised to lunce at us again and I screamed "KICK THE DOG KICK THE F&#KING DOG!!!!" and he ran up to it shouting in a deep voice and (he says) he kicked it as I ran into the house and he stood in front of the dog while we ran away. I also don't remember this either.

My boyfriend came into the house and I was hyperventilating and shaking... I said "stay with the dog stay with the dog, make sure she is okay" and I ran back outside. (P.S. I am a first responder for reporting damages (non medical) like property damage in reports so, the first thing I thought of is "take pictures"... not sure if this is normal but, for me that's what you do in any bad situation after the fact, take pictures)... so, I ran outside and started taking photos as the dogs owner finally came out to deal with their fence... and as I was shaking and hyperventilating I switched my camera to video by accident... like, literally, by accident (trust me, I would have not did/said some things I did/said if I had known I was video taping myself) but, what transpired was ridiculous. Basically, I approached the owners of the attacking dog pretty cool like "clearly this is a mistake? Your dog must just be excited to mert its cute new neighbor" and they were like... "yeah, we know our dog is aggressive and we are fine with that because he doesn't go out"... this was around the time I really started to loose my mind... "WTF? Your dog doesnt get out, I almost just died!This is a residential neighborhood with kids and pets!" They also admitted that they 'didn't think it was their dog' which was confirming that they HAD in fact looked out their window and saw me screaming and us being attacked and done nothing... I thought I had imagined that happening, but, it really happened... he also told the cops he ran down to help as soon as he heard me... he wasn't even outside during anytime I was being attacked or until I was safely inside the house... and if I didn't hear them say in the video 'we didn't think it was him, he was in the backyard' I would have never believed my own neighbor was so low as to leave a woman dying on the street with her and her puppy being possibly mauled?!? I mean... if that wasn't on my video I don't think I would have noted that they said that as it was super subtle. So, basically, my neighbors, grown men, heard me being viciously attacked under their bedroom window as I screamed for help like my life depended on it and they DID NOT COME TO HELP ME. They went back to bed as their dog almost killed us...

Then a few moments later the Sheriffs department arrived... but, I hadn't called them yet... they said they were responding to a 911 call from another resident (who was SO far away I cant believe they heard me) that said their was a woman down being kicked in the street (they must have heard my screams 'kick it'). I told the Sheriffs I was attacked by a DOG and not a person... I told them did not need an ambulance... I was definitely in shock and felt completely numb but, didn't visibly seem to have any injuries that I could see as it was cold and rainy and I had multiple layers of clothes and Ugg boots on that somewhat protected my legs (but, this has made me hyper vigilant about what shoes I wear when I go outside now, I feel like I couldn't fight for our lives because I had these STUPID girly fluffy boots on and as this dog nearly killed us, it hardly felt my puffy kicks and bashing with my arms in a parka)... I dismissed the sheriffs telling them I would call Animal Services which I did.

Now, it gets worse... My ghetto ass neighbor with the attack dog... named "Kimbo" by the way just in case you watch MMA you know who that is... starts trying to intimidate me for turning him in to animal services... turns out his dog is unlicensed, unnutered, and probably not allowed in their rental.

So, by worse... For example... I became so "PTSD-y" suddenly that I had panic attacks when my boyfriend would have to go to work... like real hyperventilating panic attacs and I have rarely had those ever... now it was like hourly I'd get them... so, if he would say "I have to leave the house and go to a meeting" I would fly into phobic mode and then rush home to protect my house from THEM... protect my home and my family from the ENEMY that lived across the street... he was there... just waiting to break in and kill us... which ended up being kind of true.

Two days after the attack... I rushed home as my boyfriend was leaving for a meeting. As my car pulled into the driveway his truck pulled away... P.S. My neighbor has a FULL view of my entire front yard and front of my house from their bedroom window.

I was like "okay... I'm home, I should do something normal"... this is my thing when I am freaking the F- out... I just try to do ONE thing at a time... like "okay, I am going to throw away this kleenex"... I decided to take out the trash, then the recycling to the curb... then I was in the side yard with my dog and I heard a jingle... the jingle jangle of a dog collar. Now, this might sound insane but, I had only lived in our house one month but I knew what every dog sounded like. This was a dog I had never heard before... I stood on the fence and pulled myself up to look over and IT WAS HIM AND THE DOG!!!! Walking very slowly by my house... right near my driveway!!! I started to panic. I knew he knew I was alone. I knew he knew I was afraid of him and his dog. I knew immediately he was trying to abouse me, manipulate me, scare me, intimidate me... whatever. I had never, ever seen his dog on a walk and suddenly, the day after I file a report on him he just is suddenly interested in dog walks?!? NO SIR!!!

So I grabbed my dog and ran in the house as fast as I could. I ran through the house and checked all the doors and windows... I could hardly breathe... I was hyperventilating.

I was panicking but I told myself "I will not live my life in fear, I will not live my life in fear"... and I walked out the door just like it was a normal day.

But I sat my phone on the hood of my car om video just in case. As he walked a across the street with his dog he walked slowly, continuing to look at me. He got something out of his car... and then he stood in the center of the street with his attack dog and fed it treats and trained it to stare at me as I walked around in the yard doing some work. I have the whole thing on video and it only lasted about three minutes but, it felt like three hours!!!

I went inside and started panicking again. Reviewed the video and it was VERY clear he was trying to freak me out while I was home alone.

When my boyfriend came home from work and I showed himscreenshots of the guy... you will not believe what he said!?! He said that jerk came by the house while I was gone at work and talked to him... apologizing... saying it was all a big misunderstanding... he said "I really want to talk to your lady and explain things. My boyfriend flat out said "She is VERY upset. do NOT try to talk to her. I will contact you first.".

I was like "THAT $&!%..."... you fill in the rest!!!

Seriously, HOW DARE HE roll up in MY yard, in MY home, and try and make besties with MY man while I was at work and while I am at home alone you gonna stalk me so I pull my report?!? NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN. MOTHA. TRUCKER.

So, fast forward two months and we are in present time. Living across the street from my ENEMY has made my life hell.

Because I started having such a severe reaction to the fact that I live across the street from my attackers, who thrn began stalking me (I seriously cannot even list it all here) I have so many severe PTSD symptoms I started going to the doctor a lot. The thing that the dog attack did was it connected an "obvious" incident where one might get PTSD from a recognized source like a trauma and it got multiplied times 1,000 when it started to be amplified by all the PAST stuff I had burried.

My brain became non-functional.

I had probably spent a lifetime becoming comfortable in cPTSD but, had never experienced the INTENSITY of PTSD before... now I had been attacked by someones dog due to their negligence and secondly the dog and its owner were stalking me. I had to live 100 feet from my attacker. I have to hear the dog barking, barking, barking... day and night. When I come home from work and he knows Im alone, he whistles at me strange creepy songs from his bedroom window...

Lets just say my brain is having severe and completely involuntary reactions to the situation. My brain knows without a shadow of a doubt this guy would kill me if he knew he could get away with it. I know a maniplating abuser from a mile away.

All I can do now is write letters, document ecerything, call police as necessary and do my best not to go completely insane as this abuser tries to abuse me, ruin my dream and control my life.

I can only hope one day I will be able to have my suburban dream again and not feel like I am living across the street from a psycho manipulator. Someday I hope I can enjoy my own home and not be terrified to live here.

It sucks. I need a lot of help lately and thats how I ended up at the doctor, the therapist and now here.

Glad Im here though! I just took the LONG route to get here.

 

[Suzetig]

It sounds like you've got a lot in your plate just now - which may be underpinning the symptoms you're seeing. By that I mean you may be coping with the way life has been for you but it may or may not be ptsd. PTSD is one of those things that doesn't lend itself to self diagnosis, even if you think you can see all the symptoms in yourself - or a friend or partner thinks they can - it's not necessarily the case that it's PTSD. That's because we want to have explanations for our feelings and behaviours and we then start to see things in ourselves that confirm the explanation rather than being able to objectively assess how we are.

Whatever is happening, therapeutic support may be helpful for you and keep posting here for support. If you think it may be a form of PTSD, and it matters to you to have a label or name for it, go and see someone who can diagnose you.

 

[Deleted member 42121]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll reconsider using the term PTSD until I fill out the paper questionsire in a formal setting with a qualified professional.

 

[Suzetig]

Ah, it's not about a paper questionnaire in a formal setting - it's about someone getting to know you and the things you're experiencing and making sure it's not something else. Honestly, I'm not one for diagnosis - i don't like the medical model of understanding mental health and I don't need a label for what I cope with. While I have been diagnosed, it's not something I needed to know for me to understand that I needed to do particular work in therapy. My therapist is brilliant at not getting hung up on labels but deals with what I bring her in a way that is completely trauma informed.

Some people find diagnosis and associated labelling really important - it gives them a framework to understand what's happening with them and a context for treatment. What I'm saying is, if that's important to you get someone who knows psychopathology to properly assess whether it's PTSD or something different. Lots of conditions overlap with the symptomology of PTSD but have completely different treatment profiles and if you're someone who has a "disease - diagnosis - treatment" way of understanding mental health, you need to get the right diagnosis and mental illness is one of those things you can't diagnose yourself.

 

[Deleted member 42121]

I disagree fully.

In my opinion mental illness IS one of those things that is about self diagnosis.

I believe that unless one is captive in an assylum on a 5150 and forced to take meds... psychiatric diagnosis is fully a self driven process. I am the captain, this is my ship, I drive the boat.

Without self and the information one provides about ones self by choice to obtain assistance there is NO accurate diagnosis and therapists and psychiatrists would be completely and utterly unable to do their jobs. Im sure anyone thats been to an office vist knows... we pick the boxes we check on the questionnaires... I use my own hand, I hold the pen. Completely dissimilar to being knocked out in an ambulance and being worked on by a paramedic who has diagnostic tests based on my body. If I was knocked out, a psychiatric professional would be completely unable to diagnose anything. Psycology is not as scientific as you think it might be.

My brain is not xrayed and a diagnosis pops up. I give them the pertinent information I feel they should know and, I do so as I am seeking guidance. Its very unscientific. Its very personal. It varries greatly unlike say, ones need for a mitral valve.

I choose what I want to disclose and, although a therapist might work like a guide through the process... they are fully in need of my verbal disclosures about myself to make any diagnoses which is based on pulished criteria which we all have access to thanks to the web.

And even if I just wanted a "professional diagnosis"... then check boxes as necessary...

Or, if I want a diagnosis of "you are fine"... check no boxes, say "I'm great!" And go home.

So, without what I say; a mental health "specialist" has nothing that I dont give to them.

Its not like visiting a cardiologist.

 

[joeylittle]

So, without what I say; a mental health "specialist" has nothing that I dont give to them.

True...which is why it is important to disclose everything to the best of your ability.

We cannot see ourselves fully. Yes, the psychiatric diagnosis process requires self-awareness, as much as one can muster. And then, there is the clinician who hopefully is being given all the tools so that they can do their job - the job we want them to do.

Without self and the information one provides about ones self by choice to obtain assistance there is NO accurate diagnosis and therapists and psychiatrists would be completely and utterly unable to do their jobs.

Just like this.

Why would one choose to withhold information? Sure, I can try and diagnose myself off the web...but things that are normal to me may actually be symptoms, and things I think are symptoms may actually not be.

All that being said...finding a doctor that one trusts through the diagnostic process is not easy.