Sufferer Complex Ptsd Diagnosis

[Pheril]

Hello,

I am new to this site and actually not entirely sure why I decided to even create an account or anything. I guess because I feel somewhat alone despite the fact that I have a fair number of people in my support circle. But none of them really know what this is like or what it feels like. They've just read little bits of information I've given them or what I've told them...

I was just recently diagnosed with CPTSD (4 days ago - wow, seems longer). I've always known there was something not quite right with me but I could never figure out what. I knew I had some symptoms of PTSD but never thought that I actually have it, let alone the complex version. I'm still in a phase where I'm trying to process the diagnosis. I don't truly know what this means for me and what life will be like. Sometimes I think, "Really? Do I actually have this?" because not all of what I've read on CPTSD fits but enough of it does. Then you know, I got the "CPTSD manifests in many different ways and covers a broad spectrum, affecting every person differently and in unique ways". I guess it's just hard to think I've been dealing with this silent, unknown thing for so long. I know there will be a lot of work involved in trying to get past it. My psychiatrist is giving me extended sessions and made it pretty clear I'll be seeing her for a very long time.

There is no one specific event that caused the CPTSD. I have been a sufferer for many, many years. Since I was just a young child in fact. I mean, just about any of the things I've been through could easily have caused PTSD but put them all together and you've got quite a mess. I mean, where do I even start? Childhood abuse on every level (physical, emotional and sexual) continuing into my adult life. I've done a pretty good job keeping myself together and functioning. But recently I'm finding it hard to keep going (not that I'm suicidal - not in the slightest). It's just tiring, going day by day with the same heavy cloud hanging over my head, pushing it back and saying "No. You don't exist. You don't run my life." Sometimes I don't want to tell it no. Sometimes I think it might be nice to not fight it anymore. I find myself sad all of the time now. I can still laugh, I can still smile and I can still have fun. Underneath it all though, there is this deep, underlying tone of deep sadness that overshadows everything. I find myself fighting back tears completely out of nowhere a lot nowadays. Nothing triggers it. It just comes out of nowhere.

I really don't know what else to say right now. Other than it kinda sucks to have something as big as this dropped on me and then being told I have to wait 2 weeks before being able to talk about all of this with my psychiatrist again.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

:)

I don't think you can underestimate the power of knowing people who have been there (or are there). Simply not feeling alone can make a HUGE difference. I know it did for me.

The great thing about the forum is that you can get feedback from people who have actually walked the walk. You'll get advice from people who know from personal experience and not simply seeing things from the outside or knowing what they know as a health professional only.

 

[Pheril]

No indeed, you can't. I know that all too well. Which is I guess why I'm reaching out. I am hoping that I can find a few people to talk to here. It'll be nice to hear from people who know exactly what I'm talking about from a place of having been through it etc. I'm finding myself being triggered by one thing or another almost daily and it's becoming incredibly exhausting/frustrating. Especially since a trigger for me usually leads to an emotional episode that makes me seem overly sensitive and like I'm over reacting etc. It's very difficult to explain to an outside person what the issue is. And by outside person, I don't mean strangers. I mean someone outside of my own body. Friends, family, etc.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you'll find people here whom you can talk to and relate to. I encourage you to post in the forum (as you feel ready of course). If you don't feel comfortable posting your own threads just yet then replying to threads is good, too, as it will also help you get to know others.

I've been able to learn so much by being here, so much that isn't helped by professional treatment or simply getting help with issues not recognized by me or my doctors. I mean just a few days ago I learned that my "paranoia" isn't actually paranoia but extreme hyper vigilance. I've had this problem my whole life and people even say I'm paranoid. I even suspected PPD (paranoid personality disorder) but my doc shot that down. I guess I mean to say that this place is such a wealth of knowledge and support, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the positive ways it helps you.

 

[Ka-9]

Welcome! and having a diagnosis...to me anyways.... isn't the burden I once thought, it's been a bit of sanity really.

For what it's worth anyways.

 

[eloc]

Welcome I am new to but have not been shy about posting to my FB feed re PTSD - there are an amazing number of friends and relatives who quietly suffer and you don't know until you open up yourself mental health and its a spectrum we are all on it somewhere and that position changes daily whether we are aware or not so having diagnosis gives you a set of parameters to measure your position is at the moment , my advice fro what istss worth is Don't be the diagnosis - you have a body and mind that is living with this buts it is also affected by other normal every day stuff and illness.

I am more a victim of terror and enforced hypervigilance due to working in high risk countries and being immersed in daily drama then some one who has been exposed to direst sexual physical or even emotional abuse but I spent three years in a village with my small kids where abuse of young children was known but not acknowledged tightly related communities with shame and honour issues where admitting known abuse would culturally require a murder and because its so close knit it just gets hidden. Occassionally a body is found on the hill chopped up into tiny little pieces and left for the birds and you know that person was a pedophile - no I wasnot in US Aus UK.

I may have already had low cortisol and my anxiety and an acting out incident between a neighbours child and my three year old son made me realise I could not leave my children in that vulnerable situation and we left the village - child predation as a underlying cause for urbanisation - who knew . Of course that only works if you have enough money - so my work also involved helping child labourers in urban areas who are often exposed to sexual abuse and often prostitution for survival - begging by day and prostitution by night - I became too aware and sadly have turned my kids into hypervigilants about innappropriate behaviour and stranger and relative danger .

It is a fine line between anyone can be a pedophile and everyone is a pedophile, I hear that kids of PTSD parents can have low cortisal which predisposes them to depression and anxiety and potentially PTSD if exposed to trauma . My eldest tried to commit suicide at 10 - not coping with my condition and also grieving over his cousin brother who died from cancer aged 3, he is in a much better palce now after counselling and with my gradual improvement but my now ten year old is in almost in the same place now that he is ten. I am able to give him much more time and energy but somedays I can;t cope and I have to walk away from the drama - it settles and we recover together but it is no fun.

I have a good friend whose sister just got diagnosed with PTSD after rembeering suppressed memories of abuse from when she was three. apparently women often suppress incidental and even continuous abuse as a survival mechanism and the memories recur after marriage and children have grown - maybe your coping without diagnosis till now id a part of that getting on with things because you had to but as your stage in life changes your body and mind are ready to deal with it 0 no matter how hard. Its amazing what we can do without even being aware - now armed with a diagnosis you will be able to to learn coping mechanisms and realise that you have a mental illness but there is science to explain your behaviour and ways to manage. You have been living with the symptoms now yo can start some relief.

 

[RavenGirl]

Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you found us so you don't have to feel alone any more. But I'm also sorry you're here because that means you suffer from trauma like the rest of us. :rolleyes:

Another good thing about being here is there's so many people who understand what you're dealing with, so there's access to a plethora of wisdom and caring, plus people here don't judge. We all just want to see each other be happy and succeed by reaching their goals; whatever those goals may be.;):)

I too was abused physically, psychologically, and sexually for 5 years as a teen. (From age 12 -17) It took me 35 years to finally speak up and say something and to get the help I needed and deserved. I had the same problem as you, Everything was making me cry (and I'm not a crier, or at least I wasn't a crier), I'm hyper vigilant, (sheesh who wouldn't be after what we've been through?!), I'm hyper aware of any little change in anything, the list goes on and on. The point is, You're Not Alone and I hope you find what helps you on your road to recovery. :hug::hug::hug: