Sufferer Complex Ptsd (multiple Traumas) 36 Yrs Old And No Sense Of Normality

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome!

I'm just going to throw out some thoughts here...

We share a number of issues in relationships. For me, I've had to focus on getting my other issues under control before getting into new relationships. Yes, it sucks being alone, and no, I'm not getting any younger, but taking time for myself, by myself has seemed to help. I'm finally starting up new relationships again, and I still stumble along the way, but at least I'm not bringing baggage such as violence into these relationships, as I've been able to put my angry violent outbursts behind me. Maybe take some time just for you?

 

[Louise3573]

Maybe take some time just for you?

How does 3 years to myself sound lol. ''Myself'' is the first place I look to assess any problems. Nothing has changed in relationships. I think 3 years is more than reasonable a time to take to myself.

I'm 36 years old, I've never been married, I have fertility problems, I don't have time to take more time out for just myself. Don't get me wrong, I've not been worrying about ''not having much time'' for all these years. It's just been the past couple of months it's been worrying me. This is because I thought I had sorted myself out inside. Now after 3 years of being alone there's still no change (I've been this way from an early age).

I don't see any hope of me getting any better in time to settle down in life. People say ''it will happen for you, you've got lots of time don't worry'' and it really annoys me when people say that. Or the old chestnut ''don't look for it'' (cos I don't!!!!!!! I avoid!!!!!!!).

I just want to sort myself out so I AM ready for when that right person comes along. I'm 36 not 21, I'm right to be concerned about my history and future of relationships because if it STILL hasn't changed then who is to say it won't be the same in another 36 years to come.

I think I'd rather die young than be unsettled and like this at an older age. I'm fed up with it and even more fed up with people patronising me telling me when I should or shouldn't be ready for relationships. That is not aimed at you I promise, that is aimed at people around me who tell me ''not to worry''........... So easy for them to say. They're ''normal''

 

[circe47]

Louise-
I don't think you are being too harsh on what constitutes trauma. As a survivor of multiple traumas both physical and emotional, I sometimes get frustrated with people being diagnosed with PTSD for what should be considered life lessons or rites of passage.

Breaking up with someone is always difficult because we've invested emotionally and there is going to be a sense of loss and grief for that loss, but it is not PTSD. Breakups are something everybody experiences. Otherwise, we'd all be marrying the person we fell in love with in the seventh grade. The break up becomes trauma when the person we break up with stalks us, or dies in a violent way.

Being teased does not constitute trauma, unless it is about our physical appearance or how we function as a human being. Being teased for wearing a goofy sweater or plaid trousers is not the same thing as being teased for being intellectually challenged or for having big ears. Being teased about our physical or mental attributes damages our self esteem, our core, who we are as a human being. We can always throw out the sweater or trousers, but we can't erase our freckles, or our overly large ears, or grow intellectually brilliant when we have mental challenges like Down's syndrome or dyslexia.

Being grounded for missing curfew at 14 is not the same thing as being constantly criticized or slapped around by a parent until you are 18. Having the keys to your car taken away for talking back to your father at sixteen is not the same thing as being whipped severely at the three for getting into mischief while mommy slept in.

I think people need to really evaluate what is actually traumatic and what is simply a rite of passage or an every day event that happens to millions of people.

 

[Louise3573]

It's not just me then.............. It really angers me when people claim PTSD over things that are just part of life. My relationship break ups affect me badly, but they are not the cause of my PTSD, they just make it worse and bring it all back to the forefront. I'm like you. I've suffered mental and physical trauma on many occasions and for long periods of time. If all i had to cry about was a divorce or somebody bullying me i'd be the happiest girl alive. It just belittles my traumas when people talk about their ''so called traumas'' and it makes REAL sufferers of PTSD feel even worse. I cant stand people like that xx

 

[Shellbell]

I totally agree with you both Louise3573 & Circe47, there are huge differences and levels of suffering and not all suffering is trauma. I currently have had people say things trying to lesson my abuse, or suggest it is all relative. It isn't. I have also had multiple trauma's of a severe nature over long period of time. Getting divorced, or bullying which I have also had, is not trauma of this kind. Not anywhere near the same.

I agree people need to evaluate what is true trauma and what isn't.

 

[beehee]

Is watching your father belittle and beat your mother trauma?
Is being slapped with a belt/hair brush trauma?
Having drity cold cooking oil put over your head by your mother trauma?
Having your brother pee on you and your father dismissing it trauma?
is domestic abuse trauma? watching your dad lose it in a big way and wreckiing the house trauma?
Is being critisised and used one minuite then ignored and expected to get on with it the next trauma?
Having to hide in a room and pretend you are not there so your dad wont get to us, trauma?
Is wetting the bed until I was 10 not trauma?

Because if not then I should be fine and dandy but im not[DOUBLEPOST=1345819520][/DOUBLEPOST]I do really hope you find what you need to get where you want to be :)

 

[Louise3573]

Do you need to ask? That's awful what you've experienced. Anybody who says that's not trauma would need their head examining. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, i really am. As a child I've experienced similar things to that but some of what you just said even makes me cringe. I do hope you've had some kind of support or at the very least a recognition of what you've experienced. I found that when somebody says ''that's not a normal thing to experience, you shouldn't have had to deal with that'' it helps you when you're ready to start dealing with things. The hardest part is trying to understand why as a kid you had to go through these things. What did you do to deserve that? You were a child, didn't ask to be born and nothing would justify that sort of treatment. I really hope you too find what you need and most importantly find that place where you can be happy in yourself. xxx

 

[circe47]

Actually, bullying can be considered traumatic. If a person is in any way shape or form subjected to the psychological or physical abuse that often accompanies bullying, then the end result can be very traumatic.

As I said before, being teased for having a poor sense of style is something a person can change and in no way compares to being physically pushed or knocked around, or constantly being denigrated or insulted over ones physical/mental attributes. If a silly looking sweater gets you sneers on the playground, you don't have to wear the sweater again. Having a set of crossed eyes, a big nose or having a mental challenge are things you can't change, at least when you are a kid. In saying so, this is certain criteria for C-PTSD in that it is an inescapable situation of long term psychological abuse (PA).

"Emotional abuse, or, mental abuse is a form of mistreatment in which there is intent to cause mental or emotional pain or injury; PA includes verbal aggression, statements intended to humiliate or infantilize, insults, threats of abandonment or institutionalization; PA results in stress, social withdrawal, long-term or recalcitrant depression, anxiety" As quoted by the Free Dictionary (Medical)

As someone who was teased and bullied mercilessly and ostracized by my peers growing up, I can tell you for sure this left me with permanent self-esteem issues. Not only that, because I was so tormented, I was unable to focus on my education to the point that I barely passed the eighth grade.

According to many psychologists, psychological abuse is more devastating than any other form of abuse. Bruises heal....internal wounds, not so much.

 

[anthony]

Extreme bullying fits within abnormally traumatic, yes. There is then what is considered normal bullying during school years that near every child will endure at some point, and even for some months. Those are not considered abnormally traumatic.

Very good examples Circe...