Complicated Abuse Problem.

[lonelyone82]

I was just thinking tonight one of my worst flashbacks involves seeing someone give up and been made to believe by a narcissist that it was somehow my fault. It is hard to explain. My mom was being abused, but my dad was the perpetrator. I was not responsible for his abusive actions but unfortunately my mom was covering it up to protect me. I didn't know to the extent of how badly she was being abused, but it was horrific. I wasn't very polite at times as a confused teenager. I was also being abused and took it out on my mom as I didn't understand why we had to live with him. My yelling certainly didn't help her. My dad had a way of making me feel as if I was the perpetrator against my mom. He was good at gaslighting and now I even find myself remembering her crying and I feel shame all over. I feel like a bad person still. I really love her and never meant to harm her. If I had known what she was going through or how narcissistic abuse works I wouldn't have fought with her as a teenager. If he wasn't doing that then it wouldn't have been crazy. It would have been normal. I still feel guilty because he somehow embedded in my subconscious that I am a Hitler or something and that I hurt my mom. I hate it I have to struggle to combat these control techniques he used on my mind often. This one is the hardest because I care about my mom's suffering the most, even more than my own most of the time. He should have left her alone.

 

[Nevermore]

@lonelyone82 no that is not your fault! Teenagers are pretty angry a lot of the time anyway - horrible but normal too. You were being abused, your mother was being abused - both by your father. Maybe some of your anger at your mother was because she wasn't protecting you. That's kind of normal too.
It's obvious you love your mother by the way you write. she would know that.
My own mother was very controlled by my father. I too used to get so angry - at him and at her. I hated to see it. I wanted a happy family, not to feel how trapped my mother was - that sounds really selfish but such are the thoughts of teenagers all over the world!
Look after you, heal as much as you can so you don't repeat the pattern.
Soinds like your father was looking for a scapegoat, somewhere to put his guilt over his own behaviour, someone to blame.
You didn't do that. He did.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I was just thinking tonight one of my worst flashbacks involves seeing someone give up and been mad...

Yes, you are touching on some very serious issues here and everyone that has gone through childhood enduring abuse from a parent will certainly understand what you are talking about. My mom was abused by my dad too and he abused me as well. That sick bastard somehow pretended he had a relationship with me that went beyond the parental boundaries. How sick that is I can not even begin to explain. But I am also grown up enough to know that my mom also had a part in the abuse, whether or not it was deliberate who knows... But she was very very influenced by him, as a kid I tried to get away from both of them, wanted to live in my own peaceful world with the animals and nature. He had influenced her to such a degree that she even saw me as a female competitor. Can you imagine this, how sick and twisted that is? How he was able to influence her to such a degree? She used abusive language against me when I was experiencing some of the first relationships with males, when I was very young and when I started dating. It was very very hurtful and I vividly remember that after she used these terrible terms against me that I was enraged, she raised her hands against me as if she just wanted to slap me right in the face as if I did not have the right to protest against such unbelievable abuse and injustice. But she stopped herself. I vividly remember being a toddler and she must have had a very tough time raising me during a particular day. She stripped me naked below the waist and used a wooden spoon to discipline me, then she exposed my bottom out the kitchen window to show my dad and to add some comments about how I needed that. Despite the fact that I was very young, that is a memory I will never forget. The shame that such a young child feels at that time is immeasurable.

 

[lonelyone82]

@Freedomfighter

Oh, my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You didn't deserve any of that and it's all so unfair. I felt so isolated and alone sometimes. I am going to work through things doing therapy. It still gets hard.. I'm sorry your mom was controlled too and seeing you differently. My mom was trying to protect me usually by being the punching bag, but it was so rough for a couple years because I didn't know what he was doing. I didn't understand why she had to stay, and now I do. He acted like I was an awful person and so bad to her and tried to instil guilt for his operation. I just wish people like that would get help rather than taking it out on kids and their partners. It makes them feel in control but it doesn't do them good either in the long run.. :(

 

[Muted]

It breaks my heart to read your post and to hear you blame yourself.

 

[Friday]

I wouldn't have fought with her as a teenager

As a mom of a teenager... Yes you would have. :happy: And that's okay. Not only okay, but wanted and needed. It's part of defining yourself as an individual, separate from your parents. No matter how good -or not- they are. It's part of creating your own sense of self, defining your own boundaries, and creating personal integrity. All. Good. Things. Do teenagers go about that process in a charming and lovely way? Pfft. Of course not. It's a fairly brutal process, even under the best of conditions. Under shite conditions like abuse? That's a whole 'nother level. My son has been severely abused. I can tell, very easily, when he's acting out abuse dynamics & when he's being a normal teenager. Believe me when I say how much I looooove him being a normal teenager. It means he's not broken. And when he's acting out abuse dynamics? It may break my heart, it may make me furious & sad, but you know what else? If he's fighting with me he's still got fight left in him. Which also means he's not broken. Proud as hell of him. Even when he makes me cry. So. Damn. Proud.