Confession

[kris]

So a few days ago I revealed to a family member the fact that I have ptsd and that a sibling had molested me for a number of years. After this I threw up numerous times, and although I haven't yet I have had many thoughts of harming myself. No thoughts of suicide, just thoughts of cutting or whatever to make the pain go away. I don't know what to do, from what I gathered telling someone was suppose to help in a number of ways. So far it hasn't I feel like shit and want to take my confession back. I know things don't happen in an instant but shouldn't I feel even a little better and not so far worse for telling someone?

 

[James B.]

Pretty much everything I did - dialogue wise - that related to my incest, made me wanna puke. Think - in my case - had tons of deeply ingrained guilt. It wasn't permitted to speak of it. It was taboo. A subject mired in stigma. It did feel a bit better telling my first T, but I also had a 2 instance bulimic re-lapse. I talked about it with my sister, found out she was an incest survivor too! Also confronted the brother who molested me on the phone. Discussed it and with my GF at the time (who was also an incest survivor). I still felt pretty funky, sorta sick and panicky, and felt like running, which I eventually did, to another state. That was in around 1992. I had little to no support after I ran. But felt I had to get away from there, the whole deal had become "tainted" with the stigma. Or so it seemed.

Talking about your feelings is important, it does get better.

Take care,
James B.

 

[kers]

I think we all expect that once we tell, we will feel instantly better; unfortunately it doesn't seem to work that way. One reason telling your story can help you feel better is that it creates a cohesive narrative (a story, so to speak) out of disjointed, terrifying memories. So it doesn't happen instantly. What you are experiencing it totally normal. Telling what you've kept secret for so long is a very scary thing, and you were incredibly brave to do it.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Kers,

Maybe the fact that you didn't cut or have suicidal thoughts is a measure of progress? Maybe "feeling" better comes later, but I think when self-destructive behaviors lessen, this too is major progress. Your actions were very brave, and the fact that you even made that step, is also progress.

I think that our expectations of ourselves may surpass the reality of PTSD and sometimes we need to look at the little things for signs of getting better. At least I do.

Wishing you the best.

Intothelight

 

[Mina]

I think it can make us feel worse, Kris, at least in the short term, because it's such a big risk to take to tell someone. It's scary. We don't know if they'll respond with kindness or rejection, or if they'll even believe us at all. That anticipation and uncertainty has - whether we realize and acknowledge it consciously or not - a heavy emotional toll on us. Then there are questions afterwards - again, which we may or may not consciously realize - like, how will they treat me in the future? are they going to tell anyone? did I do the wrong thing by telling them? And so on and so forth. In my experience, all of this combines to make us feel pretty crummy and uncertain and agitated...hence the self-harm tendencies. I know I lean more toward self-harm when I'm in that frame of mind.

May I ask how the person responded? Was it the response you'd hoped for? Whether it was or wasn't, well done on telling them...that is a scary thing to do. :clap:

 

[kris]

Was it the response I was looking for, no not at all. I was wishing that the person would have been more compassionate and interested in knowing how I was feeling. I knew they wouldn't want to hear details of the abuse, and didn't want to talk about that part as well. I wanted the person to ask me if I was alright and how it affected me. The person was caring and helpful in some aspects but I guess I wanted more from them, but I am use to not getting what I hoped for so I didn't have my hopes set on them responding as I wanted anyhow so I don't let it bother me really. I understand it is a hard situation to be in, on both ends of the deal and am proud of myself and the person I told as well, but I still feel like shit that the person knows and would love to take the conversation back. I have talked with the person as well and things seem to be ok between us, the family member is supportive and has been helpful in their own way afterwards.

 

[anthony]

Often very tough for family to process something that is just unknown to them, especially about another family member.

 

[Jawn]

You've taken a big first step. This forum will be educational and supportive for you.

Jawn

 

[Iam]

Kris.....as stated above, it took a lot of courage for you to tell your family. FYI I've thrown up when my T things, well after I get home, and I have a strong stomach! I know that for me when I first write or share about a trauma I feel totally awful afterwards for awhile, sometimes days. Then my anxiety settles down and I am ok. Seems like any new sharing or new therapy method sends me spinning. The good news in all this.....now you've done it, you don't have to do it again!!! It's out and you will feel better soon, it just takes times. You probablly have more emotional processing to do with your T about it too.

Good job Kris, I'm proud of you!