Relationship Confidence

[Dominik24]

hey everyone, hope you all have a great day :)

First of all, I'd like to say that I DO NOT blame anyone with PTSD for the following problem. In fact, it's something that can be the case in relationships without PTSD. And in some type of way PTSD can also reassure us supporters that there's nothing wrong with us, with our relationship, or with the feelings of our partners towards us. So, at least that's a silver lining for me on dark days.

Anyway, what I want to talk about is confidence.

Especially how it can be affected by the behaviour PTSD awakes in our partners from time to time.

Confidence is something that comes from within ourselves. But let's be honest, at least I can't deny that outside factors can have an impact on it.

We all probably love how we are when we feel confident.

We can deal so much better with it when our partners shut down emotionally, when they want or need their space or when there's no intimacy for a while.

But what if that confidence starts to crumble?

What if your partner didn't want to touch you in almost a year? If your partner is shut down due to outside conditions that influence their stress levels (like back pain or an illness).

I'm honest with you, on some days I feel like I'm depressed. Like I can't get myself to see myself in the same light as I did, when my girlfriend still showed interest in me.

I'm not talking about sex here.
I'm talking about intimate affection. Kissing. Hugging. Cuddling.

I know it has nothing to do with me. I still look the same, even a bit slimmer.
But I feel like I need to be confident to be seen as attractive, and it is just killing me inside to not be like that anymore.

Even the smallest of signs of affection can make me feel like a king again, like her king.
But they are so rare...

How do you cope with feeling unwanted, not desired by the only person you want to feel desired?
How do you keep your confidence up?

What I meant with my sentence at the top is, in "normal" relationships those things are signs that something is wrong or at least should be talked about, what may the real reason be.
But with PTSD, we all know what the reason is for emotional numbess for example. We just cannot do anything about it.
So logically you know everything's good between the two of you.

It's just tough to not take it personally and not let it affect how you feel about yourself.

So, what are your experiences?

 

[grimalkin]

My confidence was completely shattered in my relationship with my (soon to be ex-) sufferer. I know, in retrospect, that I should have had better boundaries about communication and his behavior towards me, but when you're trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, and they say they're "working on it" (that is, showing you that they do love you and care, even if the actions/feelings aren't always there, etc), it's hard to keep those boundaries. Especially when your options seem to be to put up with the behavior or leave. I didn't know he had c-PTSD, and so I didn't know exactly what was going on. I'm kind of the classic "Would you put up with this from someone without PTSD?" Well, apparently I would, which is on me, not him, and THAT is something I'm working on myself.

When the sex stopped, my sufferer asked me if the lack of sex was important enough to end the relationship. I decided no, that our relationship wasn't going to end because of sex, but he also agreed to work on other ways of being intimate. He didn't, and I stayed anyway, but felt a huge blow to my confidence and self-esteem.

When he refused to do things with me, it was just more blows to my confidence. Why didn't he want to spend time with me? Am I that awful? He claimed no, but actions speak louder than words (he hates that phrase), and I didn't know exactly what I was dealing with (c-PTSD).

And then, when he "ended" things, it was hard not to listen to how horrible I am, and how I was abusive to him, and how I'm just as bad as the abusers that started his c-PTSD. I KNOW I'm not, and really, I FEEL I'm not (it hurts so much to hear it because it's not true), but it's so confidence shaking to hear that about yourself, when you love the person saying it so deeply, and would never hurt them intentionally.

I talk alot about my knowledge vs. my feelings. I intellectually KNOW that it's not personal, it's not me, it's his own malfunctioning brain and instincts, but the FEELING is so hard to let go of, and sometimes the feelings win. I intellectually KNOW that it is physically impossible for him to do anything right now but push me away and cower. But I FEEL like he should just "try harder," or be willing to get help, and be willing to heal (he's not willing to get help, and believes he can't be healed further. He thinks he's an asshole right now, and there's no convincing him that the funny, loving man I also know to be him, is possible). Meanwhile, I KNOW it's not that easy.