Conflicted Feelings Towards Parents' Support

[Ryn]

I'm feeling really guilty and, as I said, conflicted with this issue, so please forgive me if I come across as a massive ungrateful hypocrite. :O_o: I don't understand why I'm feeling this way and was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience.

My dad called me a few days ago just to tell me he loved me, was thinking of me, was sorry for all that I'm going through, and to let him know if there was anything I needed. My mom frequently texts me to ask how my day is going. All great, right? I am in no way trying to be ungrateful; I realize how kind they are being.

Thing is - this sort of behaviour is all completely new. They have NEVER acted like this towards me, this kind and gracious and gentle. My dad is a pretty passive guy and generally just went along with my mom regardless of what he actually felt (when he wasn't out at work all day), and my mom is extremely emotionally controlling and can be immature and narcissistic. Growing up I never bonded well with either of them. I learned to fend for myself. Never once did I approach them with any of my problems; I stuck it out silently through injuries, friendship troubles, school stress - confiding in them or asking them for help was never an option, and they never made the effort to connect with me on a deeper level either. It would seem they decided ignorance is bliss and to just assume I was always perfectly fine.

I don't know all the details of my sexual abuse at age 2-5, but I suspect that was the beginnings of my lifelong resolution that I had to do everything myself because my parents wouldn't save me.

I told my mother about the abuse and the PTSD over the phone several months ago, and while they seemed supportive then, during the entire month I was home over break I was largely ignored, never once was the topic brought up, and I was treated quite badly. There's a lot more, but basically they've been FAR more supportive over virtual communication and in theory (saying they'll do stuff and making lots of promises and never actually fulfilling them) than in real life. They've also betrayed my trust and confidence frequently throughout the past few months - I deeply regret telling them ANYTHING.

There are a couple feelings that are coming up for me. One, massive guilt because I don't feel all touched and grateful and happy like I should feel, like any normal daughter would feel. Two, no matter how much I logically know they care, their concern feels utterly false, fake, fraudulent - that it's driven by fear, not love, because they're just scared of me committing suicide. But most of all, "abuse=affection". I know affection was a major tool my abuser used when I was a child. Now, I've been ignored and controlled and manipulated by them, especially my mother, my whole life and suddenly when they know I'm abused they're treating me all kindly and lovingly as if they'd been doing that the whole time. If the only time they love me and show it is when I'm an abuse victim, I don't want it. I don't want that to be the reason for affection. I'd rather have them hate me and ignore me than treat me kindly because of abuse. It's the sick connotation my mind is making and I hate it.

Does this make any sense? At all? I just don't want them to pay any attention to me anymore, because my mind goes affection=abuse and I am drowned in guilt. I don't want affection.

Why can't they just forget about me. Or have a better daughter who is actually normal.

:( I wish I were a machine.

 

[franciemarnie]

No way are you a massive hypocrite. Not even remotely.

And no daughter who has gone thru what you've gone thru would feel grateful that your parents are suddenly via remote communication expressing concern.

I am sorry you are feeling massive guilt. You have done nothing except respond normally to an abnormal situation. You have done nothing remotely wrong or offensive.

But I empathize with your wanting to be a machine. I spent most of my life numb, and when there came the triggered break throughs of intense unpleasant feeling - it felt unbearable. I shut it down with painkillers, which I don't recommend. I just put off the day I had to deal with everything.

I am learning painfully slowly how to self regulate my emotions when I can as best I can. It is so very difficult, but therapy has helped and other healing solutions discussed on the forum.

I have no easy answer, but you are not alone in this and it gets better.

 

[arfie]

Emotional conflicts are pretty normal in my own PTSD journey. Wanting and not wanting in th same breath. Feeling ignored when people give me the space I asked for. Asking for help then jumping to control every nuance of the help which is being offered, etc., etc.

It makes more sense to me when I do not try to make sense of it. It is not a logical phenom. My goal is to let go of the conflict, especially when I am dealing with changes in relationships. I focus on accepting the changes before I worry about what I want out of the change. I don't get to control the other end of the relationship and simply understanding the change is quite allot in itself.

Just me. Keep sorting until you discover what it is for you.

 

[Stagetrapdoor]

I recently read that people who suffer from abuse tend to cycle from fight, fright and flight. It makes me feel a little like a very cranky old washing machine with no normal setting.

I wrote a note to remind myself to ''reconcile, be courageous and stand your ground." I am determined to try to be amicable, when possible but to protect myself at the same time. It is understandable you would have mixed feelings.

 

[scout86]

I don't know how much it actually helps to hear, "you have done nothing to feel guilty about" but, you haven't done anything to feel guilty about.

You feel conflicted because you've gotten mixed messages, it sounds like. You have a hard time believing anything's changed, because.... well, because they haven't given you a whole lot of reasons to expect them to change, have they?

Focus on getting your own "stuff" in order. The whole family thing can be SO complicated, I look at it as part of an advanced level course. Personally, I don't feel quite ready for advanced level courses just yet, so I try not to "go there".

In your case......Maybe they're starting to see things differently and even have some regrets. Doesn't hurt to acknowledge the behavior you appreciate, to encourage them to make changes in a good direction, I guess. At the same time, I guess I'd suspend judgement (and trust) until they actually demonstrate changes as well as talk the talk. This isn't actually about YOU, though. It's NOT that you weren't/ aren't a "better daughter" or a "normal daughter". It's about them not being able to do their jobs as parents better than they did. The KID is not obligated to make things work. The kid is a kid. The PARENTS are the ones who are supposed to figure out how to make things work. It's easy to forget that, but it's the way "normal" actually works. When you've been through the set of experiences you have, PTSD is actually well with in the range of "normal" reactions.

What you said makes total sense to me. Maybe they can't "forget you" because they actually DO love you in their own way. Their way may just be kind of limited in some ways. Maybe they don't know appropriate ways to show it, I don't know. They don't need a "better" daughter. They have a perfectly good daughter in YOU, whether they realize it or not. If they don't, too bad for them!

 

[Ryn]

Thank you guys so very much. :)

I've been thinking about it today and I'm realizing another part of it is just the fact that I'm newly transitioning into adulthood and there's bound to be some uncertainties in that for both me and them. I think they're having a hard time letting me go, especially now, and that's understandable.

I have to keep reminding myself of that now... I'm not three years old, I'm an adult, and it's okay for me to have a life outside of my parents' control. Now if only they could understand that, and not yell at me and punish me for not making my bed (I kid you not, this happened just a few weeks ago when I was visiting home >__> )...

 

[arfie]

Those transitions are on-going, Ryn. Everything in Nature is in the process of becoming something else. When my adult sons transition on their side of the relationships, I must transition as well, be it to a new place in their lives or on the other side of the world. Understanding the need does not give us the new scripts and formulas. We have to work those out as we go. It takes time and persistence.

Keep sorting, Ryn. It is not just okay. It is natural. The stuff of life.

 

[Ryn]

Wise words @arfie :) Thank you.

My therapist called yesterday and said that they had called her and wanted to talk with her, she was curious if I knew why. I suggested it might have something to do with the insurance but deep down I know they will try to weed information about me from her just like they did with the last therapist. She's going to call them on Monday. I know she can't break confidentiality but I'm still freaked out - there are things I've told her that I still can't believe I got out, and I don't want my parents involved in this. At all.

I understand that they are worried and want to understand but I need them to back off and know that if I want their support, I will ask them. I'm really worried my mom is going to call me when she doesn't get the answers she wants and force me to tell her things. Every time I talk to her I just freeze up and feel like her child again and I can't *not* obey her, can't *not* tell her what she wants to know. I didn't want to tell her about the PTSD. She basically forced it out of me.

I have also just found reason to believe they betrayed my trust once again by telling their friends about what's been going on (in great detail). This has been happening since the beginning. When I first told them I was depressed and cutting, I asked that they not tell anyone without asking me first and they promised - and I found out they'd told tons and tons and tons of people, people I'd NEVER have told all the details of this stuff. I confronted them, they apologized, and I asked them again. They promised. Barely a few weeks later they did the same thing. The most they know about my PTSD is that I have it, that it's from sexual abuse, and who the perpetrator is - but that information alone is WAY more than I want just floating around out there with people I don't even know. It was hard enough for me to just tell them and like I said I didn't even want to.

Is this so much to ask?! I understand they need their own support group, and I have suggested they get counseling if they are having trouble, but it's making me feel more like a freak than I already did. Seriously, all they had to do was ASK me. What they call "devoted parenting" is for me a huge invasion of my privacy and trust, and as an abuse survivor trust and boundaries are major issues with me. Additionally, what with their big show of "we're here for you" but never actually doing anything, I have felt more than once that they are turning this into a drama about them. Not my dad so much... mostly my mom. She has always, always been the one with the drama and the sob story and this is no different. Yes, it's hard to be a supporter, but she's not even a decent supporter. She constantly tells me how hard it is for her to have a daughter like me, how many tears and sleepless nights she's gone through, how worried and stressed she is (all under the guise of "I am the best parent, I sacrifice so much for you") and that just makes me feel guilty - that's what you're supposed to tell a therapist, not your daughter who has enough guilt on her hands that she doesn't even want to exist anymore.

How hard it must be to have a daughter who was violently sexually abused at three years old... oh yeah, and the daughter - who, again? - probably has tough days sometimes, too, y'know... :mad:

I would never be able to tell them this without my mom crying and turning me into the bad guy and sending me on a huge guilt trip. I don't even know. I am really afraid and I feel like I have no one to turn to.

Ugh. Thanks for listening. Sorry for the rant, I just had to get it out.

 

[e.riley13]

I can completely relate to this! My parents and I have a very interesting relationship. No one in my family talks about emotions, but my mom cries all the time about silly things and says that I make her feel like a bad mother. After finding out about my attempted suicide a month later, my parents didn't want me to leave their sights although growing up they didn't care where I was or what I did. And, like, yours, they kept calling and texting and it was really weird. And then when they found out that it was because of sexual abuse that I was so depressed, they basically said it was my own fault. They actually kind of felt better because it wasn't their fault. To make it worse, my mom brings up the guy who did this to me all the time. And then I feel awful when my parents provide so much for me because I don't want their money or their help because it just makes me feel like they're doing it to make themselves feel better. Like, it's making me better by providing material things. And if I talk to them about how they're not supporting me, they tell me all about how much they're doing for me and how ungrateful I am. So, I just tend to ignore it and let my mom talk about the monster who did unspeakable things to me and make me feel bad for not being a good daughter.

 

[Ryn]

No one in my family talks about emotions, but my mom cries all the time about silly things and says that I make her feel like a bad mother... And if I talk to them about how they're not supporting me, they tell me all about how much they're doing for me and how ungrateful I am. So, I just tend to ignore it and let my mom talk about the monster who did unspeakable things to me and make me feel bad for not being a good daughter.

@e.riley13 - could've written that post myself, I'm afraid. :( You're definitely not alone there.
A friend once gave me some good insight that maybe they really are trying to help, in their own way, and providing material things is the only way they know how. I know my parents have been way focused on my physical health because that's something more easily "fixable", I guess? It's hard to explain that my physical symptoms are mostly just somatic representations of my PTSD... But they just don't want to hear that.

Another big explosion of stress re: this issue yesterday, for me... I had to stand my ground and put my foot down on a number of issues and now I'm wracked with guilt for "disobeying". My therapist thinks I did the right thing and says I need to learn how to protect myself even if it "hurts" other people, in some instances, and not the other way round - protecting others even if it hurts me, which comprised my entire young childhood during the abuse.