Confronting Peer Abuse

[SunflowerHoney]

I don't even know where to begin. It's all so complicated. I guess that's why it's called complex trauma.

Anyway.

I have had a complicated relationship with a cousin since we were kids. We have many differences, but still considered each other best friends or even sisters. However I realized in this past year or so that she has actually been one of my abusers for years. Maybe even since childhood.

It's strange to think about a friend being an abuser. It seems like something that can't happen. I have read countless webpages on emotional abuse: how to spot it, symptoms of it, how it happens, et cetera, et cetera. It is completely obvious that she has been abusing me but I still doubt myself sometimes.

I have been trying to work this out with her over email for awhile now. It's been frustrating, to say the least. I really, really want her to know that what she's done to me is abusive. I even wrote her a 12 page letter breaking down my lifetime of abuse, how it has manifested in daily life and interactions, how it's affected my reactions and responses to stressors and triggers and what's it's done to my relationships and how it's affected my interactions with her especially.

In the past when we would have a quarrel and I would react badly, I tried to explain. E.g., "I'm sorry I reacted that way when you rose your voice to me. I endured lots of yelling when I was a kid so when you yelled at me I didn't handle it well." But before I could even finish those sentences, she would cut me off and say, "So it's my fault you snapped at me?! Stop making excuses!" So of course I would be shocked and sputter and say no! I wasn't blaming you! Just trying to explain why I... "Stop being so dramatic!"

In my letter I finally got to finish those sentences to explain that I have PTSD and my reactions to being yelled at were normal. I apologized for ever snapping at her and for all the times I was a bad friend. I wrote a whole page of my transgressions and included apologies with no excuses.

She wrote back saying that she thinks we are in a mutually abusive relationship. That makes me very angry. Mutual abuse is so rare. It's not really a thing. Yes, I responded angrily sometimes to her cruelty, but I didn't abuse her.

I want her to know that because of her criticism and judgement on my personality and behavior I have severe social anxiety and I second guess every other interaction I have with others. I want her to know that I'm damaged because of her. I want her to stop thinking other people deserve to be treated badly by her because they don't meet her standards. I want her to know all of this, but I don't know how to tell her.

I also kind of don't want her to know because I'm worried that it will give her more power over me. I'm worried she'll like it.

Have you had an abusive friend? How did you deal with it?

--Edit--
Even though I said up there that I never abused her, I should say this: In my letter to her, I did acknowledge abusive behavior from our past. I explained that my parents treated me those ways too and at the time I didn't know I was doing anything wrong. But with a decade of therapy and working on myself, etc, I see those behaviors for what they were and I sincerely apologize. I even acknowledged what effects they might have had on her. And those were all things from before 2009. Since 2009, I have actively worked to change and amend abuse inflicted on people in my life. She knew I was working on all that.

 

[Nevermore]

@SunflowerHoney
Oh boy, I really relate to this. I had s childhood friend that I loved like a sister. That friendship spanned over 40 years!

I too think it was always a bit of a dysfunctional friendship - she was the boss and I was the one that went along with everything. She got into drugs and the dynamics got even more screwed up. She became more like a tyrant, and I became frightened of her - but still, as I say, she was like a sister to me.

When it all blew up it was incredibly painful - for both of us I think. But I couldn't walk that walk any more.

What you describe is maybe more like a codependent relationship - that's what I realise now I had w my old friend. She def was abusive but the roles were so ingrained that I can see how we both played a part in how it all evolved.

I still miss her! Even though it's been years now and even though it became a nightmare!

I think no one likes to be called abusive even if they are. There might be better ways to talk about it that she will not feel so defensive about.

My old friend, although she was kind of dominating over me, also had a heart of gold. I wish I'd let her know that.

Good luck!

 

[SunflowerHoney]

I definitely have codependent tendencies, but can our relationship be called codependent if only one person is dependent? She's not like that at all. In fact her childhood, compared to mine, would be considered perfect. She has healthy attachments and good self-esteem. Too good though, bordering on narcissism.

She has no empathy at all for me or what I've endured and suffered in my life. She just gets super pissed and critical of my maladaptive behavior. Instead of trying to understand that maladaptive behavior is caused by aversive experiences, she decided that I'm a high-strung, overly emotional, overly sensitive, dramatic, irrational person who deserves her mistreatment. I'm not guessing at these things; that is straight from her. She even told me that she would use her role as maid of honor at my wedding to protect others FROM me. I was never an unreasonable bride. Stressed, yes. But nothing out of the ordinary. And she was pissed at me for being stressed on my wedding day. One month before my wedding she called me up and yelled at me for my selfishness when I chose the date of the wedding because it was majorly inconvenient for her. That's only a fraction of the horrible things she's said to me. I could write a book.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

I am incredibly sad for you that you had to go through a painful breakup. Friend breakups are almost worse than romantic breakups. There is not guide book for them and breaking up with a friend isn't even socially acceptable.

I don't necessarily need to use the word abusive, but it's important to me that she knows I am leaving our friendship because she is unable to take responsibility for her role in the pain between us, because she is unable to be accountable for how damaging her criticism, judging, shame and blame are. She is still my family and she has the power to smear me to people that really matter to me. She is just now starting to realize that my absence from her isn't a dramatic ploy for attention or an irrational response. I need that to sink in further.

I appreciate your reply a whole lot. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I hope you are well today!

 

[Nevermore]

Hey SunflowerHoney
I realised after I replied that what I said might sound invalidating or dismissive. I'm really sorry for that - I got caught up in my own feelings, but I don't know how healthy they are as my friend also hurt me a lot.
As I can see, the more you say, that your cousin has hurt you. A lot!
I guess I only say codependent because it's a relationship from childhood like mine was.
Believe me, I do understand your feelings. I had to cut off with no further contact from my friend - and she also did some really dreadful things to me.
I'm looking back and you are right in the middle of it!
It is really painful "breaking up" with a friend,as you say, and I too feel sad for you )-:
I guess that's what I was meaning to say. It's painful. I do get it.
And sometimes there is just no way around it!

 

[EveHarrington]

What are you looking to get out of a confrontation? Any sort of confrontation where the term "abuse" is used, well it's pretty much guaranteed to be heated. Very few people won't get defensive/dismissive when confronted with abuse allegations.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

@EveHarrington, I answered this question before you even asked it. In the last paragraph of my last reply

 

[SunflowerHoney]

@jojo88, I didn't feel invalidated or dismissed AT ALL. I even learned something about myself when I looked up the term codependency. I do appreciate your apology, but it was unnecessary! xoxo

 

[Nevermore]

I'm glad that's not how it came across. There are definite limitations to chatting on line!
Ya the codependency thing - it was also a big learning for me and helped me understand my part in the friendship I described - especially after she got into drugs.
and although I do miss my old friend and will always feel sad about it, I couldn't change a dynamic which was harmful for me, and couldn't get her to understand. We lost each other.
It's really hard to change things that have been that way all your lives and things mount up - as they have w you and your cousin.
I hope it can change for both of you so that you can still have the closeness but also respect.
I despair sometimes of the human condition! And wish a better outcome for you xx

 

[EveHarrington]

Well I was looking for something other than how you wish to change/control other people. Ultimately we cannot change/control other people; we can only change ourselves. I don't think your confrontation will ultimately yield the results that you desire.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Well I was looking for something other than how you wish to change/control other people. Ultimatel...

It's not about changing or controlling.

The results I desire are that she KNOWS why we are no longer friends. There's nothing controlling about that. Maybe you're projecting something of your life onto my situation.

The relationship with my cousin is over. I just want her to know why.