Relationship Confused Do I Let Go Or Hold On

[Melly13]

Hi,
So I met the man with PTSD back in February and just started out as a hook up but we would talk text etc daily. We both had boundaries we did not want to cross as both were no ready for relationship. Well boundaries were crossed come May. Istarted spending 3- 4 nights a week at his house we would laugh, watch movies, cook etc. even met his mother and had dinner with her. I knew right away that when he was not responding to not take it personal. Things were good until I went thru a personal rough patch and got upset due to lack of response as I wanted him to be there for me. I went to his home one night as we had plans and he was not there. I was very upset and brought me back to a time where my ex screwed me over and I childishly took his prized possession. I told him immediately I did and he knew he I going to bring it back. Yes I know that was wrong. When I explained to him what my thoughts were when I did he totally understood and asked question in order to understand where I was comming from and that connected us more. (He also is dealing with loosening his home. So has a lot on his plate.) so after that he decided that we could no longer hang out and that we could be friends. We continued to talk for a month daily. Then one day he just cut me. I continued to reach out as I know he doesn't let people in. I am a rare one. He fully trusts me. About a month later he decided to reach out and we have been talking again since. I have seen him a handful on times for 30 min or so each time. When we are togeather we just click. Smile and laugh. He tells me how much his heart beats when we have that brief time. But also says we can only be friends. And that once he make that decision that just how it is. "That's how he has always been". I care very much about this man and he has made me want to better myself in so many ways. I have been reading up on PTSD since I met him. He tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me. And I know he cares very much about me. I truly feel that he is afraid to be around me for long periods of time as he can feel the connection and he is afraid. He knows how much I believe in him. And how much I care. But I does hurt. We talk everyday I understand his need for space. He had cut many people from his life. Obsessed with Facebook and love attention from people he can keep at distance and not let in. But he let me in. I have been with him to his "safe spots" etc.
I want to be there for him and respect his needs and wants as I do care. Is it love IDK. Some days I think so. We just connect on a level of understanding. I know he is loosing his home difficult for anybody.
I want to continue to be a supporter and be there for him but the closeness we have it is hard. Hard for me to be his friend. I know if he dates I will be devistated and if I do I would be cut out. I don't want to push a relationship by any means. I am willing to wait. He has said that we are just friend right now and that's it. I get it but there are feelings. We had a discussion over the past weekend about as much as could as he doesn't talk emotions.
Do I follow my heart and wait or side step away until I can get over my feeling that I can just be friend without feeling that I am giving up on him. Cause in my heart I don't want to. But I don't want to end up hurt. My shrink and friend said think work waiting for. I know I am one of the few supporters he has and he values that very much. I ramble sorry. Please advice tips anything!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think if he has says he only wants to be friends, you'll have to respect his boundaries if you want him in your life.

The thing with feelings is that you can only know for sure what your feelings are. YOU may be feeling connections, closeness, desires for a relationship, and love... but you cannot be sure of what anybody else is feeling. Signals are up for interpretation.

The only thing you can do is respect his wishes.

No matter what he has said or done in the past, he says he only wants to be friends now. Trust is important to a lot of sufferers, because many of them have been betrayed in the past. He's trusting you to respect his boundaries. If he didn't, he probably would have cut you out completely.

This may change in the future, but it may not. You have to decide if you're OK with just a friendship.

 

[Crystal Rose]

Hi,
So I met the man with PTSD back in February and just started out as a hook up but we would talk tex...

I was in a committed relationship and my partner left when he couldn't support me through my PTSD. Now trust is a huge hurdle for me. If he is avoidant, which you can be with or without PTSD, it has zero to do with you. You deserve commitment. Your time and energy is valuable and if anything he sounds like he's being extremely selfish and taking advantage of your kindness. I know, because I am usually the doormat.

Is he in therapy? I think it's good to remove yourself physically from the situation to take a break and check in with yourself. Is your self esteem contingent on him? Are you enabling and not taking care of yourself enough? These are important questions to ask and sometimes we forget when we find our value in relying too heavily on the "acceptance" of another person. He needs to step up and accept all of you and also be willing to work on himself. You deserve that.

 

[court.norman]

My boyfriend, a combat veteran, goes through these phases where he will try to push me away and say he just wants to be friends. I know that's not true. I know we are anything but friends. Really, the truth is, you just have to respect his boundary in that moment. I always tell him that I am "here for him" that "I understand" and that "I love him." I tell him I love him not expecting anything in return, and I've communicated that to him before. He knows I'm not going to force him to feel or do anything he doesn't want to.

The difference is, my boyfriend has told me on multiple occasions that he wants to be with me, in a relationship with me, and has told me he hasn't spoken to any woman on that level (or slept with anyone else) since we met. The thing about ALL men is that they will tell you exactly what they mean. We try to slice and dice it as women and pick it apart, but they typically don't say things unless they mean it. With PTSD, it's being able to pick up on whether or not he really means what he says. It's been hell for a week since he got back from field training where they recreated a war setting, which is why I'm on here, but I can tell the difference. I don't have to question whether he wants to be with me; I know he wants to be. I'm here to better understand the way he shuts down and goes into isolation mode.

Based on what you have said, it seems like there are some mixed signals. For me, it's impossible to go back to being friends after another level has been reached, trust built, and "I love you" has been said. You need to maybe express these feelings to him. If he doesn't want to sit down and talk then put it all in writing. You have to put it in writing knowing and expecting no response. At least then you know he knows exactly how you feel. Once you have it out there, don't keep pushing, wait for him to come to you. I will be patient and understanding for days, and then I may get a random "I love you" or "Thank you." I'll ask for what? He will say for never giving up on me.

Don't take advice from people who have "normal" relationships. They'll only say you don't deserve it, etc. You have to decide what your normal is and if it's something you're willing to do. If you think pushing them will ever do anything or forcing it will work, you're mistaken. Just be patient, but don't wait around forever. Know how much you can handle, and know when you need to walk away or talk to someone. Hugs!

 

[dulcia]

My boyfriend, a combat veteran, goes through these phases where he will try to push me away and sa...

"I understand" works for her combat vet, but "I understand" does not work well for my vet. I wasn't there and didn't serve, so I can't possibly "understand", etc. Just make sure you realize the potential impact of your words.

The thing about ALL men is that they will tell you exactly what they mean.

I don't find this to be true for all men, though. Sometimes during times of isolation/anger episodes, hurtful things can be said in an attempt to push away, but may or may not be a reflection of how they actually feel when they are back to a stable place.

Don't take advice from people who have "normal" relationships. They'll only say you don't deserve it, etc. You have to decide what your normal is

This. This advice is everything right here. Choose who you confide in carefully. Most won't understand, he may resent you if you do, and it can cause strain in your relationships with the people you've confided in.