Confused, Is My Mind Distorting Reality?

[visiting]

Sorry , got cut off by absolute chaos going on at my house! I can use full sentences, in general! I swear! Hope you can read that!

 

[A HOPE]

Visiting:

It is much easier to be the victim, really. Because as you know, to no longer be a victim, means work... it means pain... it means facing our worst fears and reliving our own trauma... And it wasn't until he and I became much closer that it made me realize that I don't want to be the victim anymore. I'm getting older, not younger, and this rape has robbed me of 11 years of my life... I want the ability to be intimate, I want to feel safe, I want to not be afraid. He is my MOTIVATION to better myself so I can better US. He is my INSPIRATION to recovery, which is why I'm taking this so hard, I believe.

I was given wise advice once from a friend of mine: "Never let anyone see you sweat. Predators smell fear, that's how snakes find rats, and the rat with the fastest heartbeat gets to be dinner." There's a lot of meaning in that...

I've not tried to share anything else with him since the initial conversation. I've not brought it up, he hasn't brought it up. He hasn't said he wouldn't listen or won't help, I just haven't asked for it since I assumed he'd offer on his own and disappointed that he hasn't.

I didn't realize this paternalistic attitude... what brought this to your attention?

My boyfriend of ten years died exactly ten years ago... I always kept a journal when he was alive, and I've kept a journal of me and my boyfriend as well since the day we met... I've been reading over it throughout the day and want to point out some things that he's said... you may find something from your point of view that I need to be aware of (good or bad)... and please tell me if you do...

I strongly remember from our earliest conversations when we met, him saying to me: "If I need to slow down, tell me. If I go too fast, tell me. If you want me to stop, tell me." It was eerie the sense he had, or picked up on, that something major was going on with me....

I remember the first time he kissed me. He held my hand and said, "This feels really good. I feel it in my heart. I feel your heart. It's been a long, long time for me, do you hear me?" I shook my head yes. "Has it been a long time for you too?" I shook my head yes. He said, "Don't be mad." I said, "Don't be mad about what?" He leaned down and kissed my lips. He said, "You're heart is pounding, I can feel it." I said, "It is..." He said, "I can slow down, you can take your time, I want you to be comfortable." I shook my head OK. He said, "I want to treat you the way a man should treat you and I want to be the one. If you'll let me." I said, "I don't want to be afraid of you." He said, "I don't want you to be afraid either. I'm not going to hurt you. Do you hear me?"

For some reason, the next day, I was paranoid (from the kiss I suppose) and said, "I need to know right now if I can trust you." For once, he didn't look me in my eyes. He looked down and said, "What is this about?" I said, "I need to know if I can trust you." He said, "Yes, you can trust me. I told you that before. Yes." I said, "Don't. If there's something I need to know, tell me." I held my breath. He said, "Yes, there are things you need to know but I don't think you're ready for it." I paused and looked at him. I said, "Things like what?" He said, "Well there are many things. Like I know you have a lot that I don't know about either."

Shortly after he said, "I worry about you because you take care of everybody around you. But you don't take care of you. You don't take time for you. You take care of everything but you. You need time for you. You need girl time. You need time alone. You need time for you. You need time with me. Or not with me if you don't want to, but you need time for you. My father died of a broken heart. He took care of everyone else but he didn't take care of himself." (That is very true, I do take care of everyone else around me first. And then me.)

I said, "I've been through so much, you wouldn't believe it." He said, "I know you have, I can see it. I can feel it."I said, "I've been through so much... so much." He said, "I know you have. I want to make you feel like a woman again, I want your confidence back, I don't want you to fear anything. We don't have to do anything. I just want to hold you. I want to treat you with the respect you deserve. I know you have experiences. I know you have a lot to share. I hope that you will share it with me. Others can learn from you. Other women need to hear you. Other men. Everyone."

The 2nd time he kissed me, he said, "You can tell me to stop at anytime. Thank you for letting me kiss you." All of his comments kept adding up, like he knew what I was going to say (about the rape) BEFORE I said it... do you know what I mean? It was comforting BUT eerie at the same time...

Whenever I am upset he'll hold me and say, "Let it out, don't ever hold anything inside, I'm here. Yell, scream, get mad, do whatever you feel baby. What's got you this upset, what ABOUT this is making you cry?" Whatever I was upset about is trivial in comparison to the rape... WHY can he NOT be this supportive about the rape!?!?!!? This to me is overly suspicious....

He said, "I know you'll make it, I do. You know why?" I said, "Why?" He said, "Because you're determined and your scared and you're afraid. When you're scared, that's what will make you make it. When I wear this uniform I'm scared. But there's something you must know... I mean I know you so this wouldn't apply to you but if it's somebody I don't know, it's me vs them and they are going to jail and I'm going home. That's just the way it is."

He stood in the rain once and said to me, "I see changes in you and I like what I'm seeing. I remember watching you and you used to walk with your head down and now you're walking with your head up. I like what I'm seeing."

A few moments before I told him about the rape, my hands were shaking. He put his hands on my throat and squeezed, kinda freaked me out... He panicked and said, "What is it? You're heart is beating SO FAST, is it me or what you're about to tell me?" I thought this was weird, but maybe he could tell I was nervous, shaken up... maybe he was just testing my pulse?

A few minutes after I told him, he said, "In training, I've heard that victims who face their abuser when they see him face to face and yell at him for what they did, for the fear, for the physical scars, the mental scars, I read the abuser actually feels the pain they've caused." (I could NEVER do this... I could NEVER be in the same room with the person who did this to me, NEVER).

I said, "Well, I'm mad at myself," he said, "Don't be mad at yourself. You did nothing wrong. This isn't your fault. None of this was your fault. Look at me! Look at me! It's not your fault." The day that I shared the rape with him was the first day I told him I loved him... We ended up washing our hands together in the sink... I had never TRULY felt a person's TOUCH in my life, until he took my hand in his and we washed our hands together in the sink. He asked, "Have you ever washed hands like this before?" I said, "No." He said, "Neither have I, but I like this"... I don't know if he felt like he had to do this because he was afraid I was afraid of him? Or why?

These are just a few highlights... if you still see it as paternalistic, please tell me. If you see anything that glares at you, as anything negative or otherwise, please tell me... I know outsiders see things that I can't see because I'm so involved in it... By your responses already, I value your opinion.

I also want you to know that I support you as well... you said you're in the process of leaving an abusive relationship, and I want you to know that I am here for you and want to support you. If there's anything you need or want to talk about, or if you just need someone to listen, or if you want advice, I am here for you. I hope you know this...

Thank you for helping me. I hope I can help you, too.

 

[Jacquie]

He's a man. His angry incensed reaction I would think is more about .....someone he cares about was hurt and wanting to rip the other guys heart out. The rage might not stay but I'd say its a fairly normal reaction when first told.

Is that being a policeman? Or being someone who cares about you?

But of course being a policeman he cant just go rip his heart out, so the course of action then becomes procedural law. Same outcome (for him)

But his focus is on.......you were hurt and this is so so wrong.

Therapy: You were hurt and STILL hurting (injury is still there) and wont stop hurting until he gets you to a hospital/doctor/therapist.

If someone was in a vehicle accident, had 2 broken legs and slashed arms. Do you leave them laying there until the legs are mended? Do you leave them with that injury and just walk off and let them be? Nope. You bundle them up and get them to a hospital/doctor who is trained in setting broken legs and bandaging wounds. So they get better.

Is that an abnormal reaction? At least for someone who actually gives a damn.

He wants your hurt, your pain, your injury.....helped. The most natural thing is to get help from a doctor trained to fix things, not the local candle maker or that crack dealer standing on the corner, OR............a policeman.

Policemen are trained to do police work and they do it well. They understand what they're dealing with. A rape therapist will do it well because.....they are trained, have experience, and know what they're dealing with.

I know sometimes its easier to 'figure it out and make assumptions' without asking. Trust your own ability to sum up and assess? But that in itself might be something you've developed to keep you safe. Safe from nasty a-holes that you might be at risk from.

But trouble is that same thing keeps you isolated from people you 'do not' need that response with.

I'd say its a great thing if he would come along with you. If you cant ask him, and keep pre-empting his responses.......either subconsciously you think he IS NOT the great guy you wrote here, you DO NOT trust him......but you want to keep that love and protection feeling so are reluctant to let go, OR ask the question that will show you for sure.

Ask the question.

If he 'shows' (as opposed to says) his preparedness to support you.......stick around.

If he balks and wont support you in this......face it. You are not losing love but losing a lie.

And if you are honest honey thats why you are pre-empting. You're scared this 'might' be a lie, and dont want to find out. Dont want to face that he might not love you.

But he might.

One way to find out. And if you feel better......ask him when you have a girlfriend there with you.

((courage))

A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.


Right now, your looking at mile number 643, then 729. (that see it before it hurts you thing) but realistically none of hat ever happens with out step 1.

But taking step 1 (asking him) doesnt mean step 643 is ever going to happen. Or even step 2 for that matter!

Know why? YOU are in control of this process. YOU decide how far you want or dont want to go. YOU can pull out any time you want.

But as far as just going along to find out, knowing you can walk out and never go back.....what you're scared of is not at step 1. Ask him.

That rapist gave you NO CHOICE. It left you hurt, helpless, afraid.

It was all about him....not you.

This time....its all about you. He doesnt even exist unless YOU feel ok to go anywhere near police action or anything else. YOU are in control of the course of your therapy.

I walked out after 2 sessions. Went back about a month later when it was MY decision to go back in. But having left and they didnt chase me....made it easier to go back.

((hug))

 

[Shattered]

Dear A Hope:

The following is just my opinion.

The hand-off: I don't think this is his intention whatsoever. I believe he is attempting to help you build a support system (A network of personal or professional contacts available to a person for practical or moral support when needed). A support system is necessarily more than one person. He can't fill all the roles in a support system--it is impossible and attempting to do so will destroy your relationship. His role is that of partner (friend, lover, supporter, champion, protector, provider). He is not police officer, therapist or doctor to you.

Example: A doctor and his wife are making love and he is caressing her breasts. He is a doctor, yes, but he doesn't say to her while touching her, "Honey, you're over 40 now. You really should be having annual mammograms." Then he proceeds to give her a clinical breast exam.

He isn't handing you off. He is appropriately directing you to a person who can fill the role of therapist in your support system. All the things that he has said to you are supportive, loving, protective. He sounds like he is filling his role of partner beautifully.

If you want him to come with you the first few times, you're going to have to ask him. It's your party and he is respecting that.

He has forgotten: I can guarantee you that he has not forgotten. He isn't going to poke and prod you to talk about the rape. He is respecting your right to control the discussion and disclosure of your experience. He will listen when you talk, he will hold you when you cry and he will stop when it's too much. He is telling you that he will not force you to do anything that isn't your idea. He is showing you that he will not violate you in anyway. He is building trust.

Catch him: It is instinctual for a man to want to protect, defend and remove a threat to the woman he loves. It is also instinctual for him to want to fix your problems. I suspect he has fantasied about a thousand different ways to sort out the person who hurt you. The partner in him wants to hurt him slowly and painfully for all the hurt that person caused you. The police officer in him wants justice for you. He may seem preoccupied with catching him, but that is because it is an action he can take to fix it, even a tiny bit. The rapid-fire questions he had when you told him was him preparing for battle. If that person was in the same room at the time, he would have lunged at him with his bare hands and not thought twice about it. It has little to do with him being a police officer, and everything to do with loving you and wanting to protect you.

Intimacy: It is more than sex. It is trust. It is a private world made of two. Penetration is not the goal. Intimacy is the goal. Slowly become familiar with each other's bodies through small things (brushing hair, massaging, bathing, touching, kissing).

Example: I've cut my husband's hair for years. Mostly to save money. Not very interesting on the outside. What is interesting is that it is surprisingly intimate. Pulling my fingers through his hair. My fingernails running over his scalp. My comb picking up sections of his hair. The rhythmic sound of my scissors. Me moving in a slow orbit around him. It's not unusual for his arm to snake around me or for his hand to sneak up my shirt. It is not sex, it is intimacy.

I hope I haven't been out of line. This is just my opinion after all.

Best wishes,
Shattered

 

[A HOPE]

Jacquie & Shattered thank you for opening my eyes to the possibility that I may have misunderstood his actions. Logically and rationally everything you said makes perfect sense. But my heart still feels something is awry. I can't for the life of me understand why he has been so supportive about everything up until this? I've spoken with him but I've not seen him since I ruined our intimate moment. I'm embarrassed. When it didn't happen, he asked if it had been a long time for me and I said yes and then he said "it's ok, it's ok, it's ok, etc." It's been 11 years for me. The fact it had been a long time wasn't the problem! I was brutally raped, again, has he forgotten?!?! Or does he think not mentioning it means it didn't happen??? I expected his response to this would be different and so I'm hurt it's not what I thought it would be.