Confused. Please Help Me Sort It Out!

[Deleted member 1860]

Apologies if this is in the wrong place. It is about medication and acceptance and relationships and therapy...so I felt it best fit here.

Anyone who has followed my posts knows how much I hate medication. I have tried to be daily medication free for almost 3 years. The obsessions became so bad that I knew I needed to try medication again. Therapy wasn't helping and the thoughts resulted in bad self harm. I ended up in the ER and the effects may last a long time. Definitely my worst self harm episode.

I started on medication again last week. I am shocked at how much it is helping. I am finally at a point of accepting that I need medication to function. I think my anxiety has cleared to the point of actually being able to feel again. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I'm actually crying tears of real sadness rather than depression or anxiety. It sort of scares me!

I'm back on the one medication that has bad side effects that I've warned everyone about---nothing else has ever worked as well, and coupled with the fact that I hate meds, this gives you an idea of how bad things were, how desperate I was to change.

I tried to change my thoughts with just therapy, and I couldn't. I have people in my life who think it's all "mind over matter" and that if I really wanted to, I would change my thoughts. I bought in to this way of thinking for awhile, but I don't anymore.

My problem lies with these "mind over matter" people. I've apologized for my behavior (driven by obsessive thinking). I am changing my behavior as I am no longer compelled to act on obsessions. But, at the same time I feel that these people are holding it all above my head. I feel that I need to continue to repent and pay for my wrongdoings. The thing is, I just can't. I don't want this held over me. I can't continue to pay for something that was so very difficult to control. If I had cancer, I wouldn't have my symptoms held over my head. At least not like this. I know these people don't understand. I think I need to let these relationships go.

Which brings me to my therapist. She thinks everyone can be cured with neurofeedback and vitamins. She thinks pharmaceuticals are poison. I haven't told her about my medication yet. I think I will have to terminate this relationship due to this difference in thought.

Sorry this is all over the place. I think actually feeling again is scaring me! I feel like my eyes have been opened, and as such what I am seeing goes against a lot of previously held beliefs.

Acceptance....yes, finally. I can finally accept that there is something chemically whacked out in my body. I am accepting that it's not all my fault. I am accepting that I am not weak.

Thanks for reading. I know this was long.

 

[franciemarnie]

You said "I feel I need to repent..." and then "I just can't". May I say, Good!!!! You don't have anything to repent for, but I know the power of feelings over facts sometimes. But it's good to know it. Someday the feelings will catch up.

Though I finally got off meds last December and was then flooded with feelings, I definitely believe some meds work and can be necessary, and if I needed them to function again - to be able to work and live - I would.

It sounds like your meds are fantastic insofar as feelings are coming thru. I know I find feelings to be terrifying sometimes but man are they healthy or what. My physical pain goes away if I will just simply stop fighting feeling.

Anyway, those are some thoughts.

 

[fly away home]

I understand and am going through the same internal battle. To feel better, to cope better to be a better parent seems to outweigh the other option of simply being chemical free. I have seen several people close to me enter a psychotic state due to the desire to be 'off meds' this has recently resulted in the death of a very loved child. Certainly not saying this is your situation but it most definitely made me rethink my haphazard and defiant approach to medication.

My problem lies with these "mind over matter" people. I've apologized for my behavior (driven by obsessive thinking). I am changing my behavior as I am no longer compelled to act on obsessions. But, at the same time I feel that these people are holding it all above my head.

Some people will never understand. If they are not close to you then just have some space, if they contact you then perhaps avoid discussing your situation, it really isnt any ones business but your own anyhow. If they are family it is harder but perhaps give them the 'thats not something I am willing to discuss right now' (if your feeling strong enough to say it). Oh and yes it does sound like your might be better off finding a new therapist. Different approaches will work with different people.

Acceptance....yes, finally. I can finally accept that there is something chemically whacked out in my body. I am accepting that it's not all my fault. I am accepting that I am not weak

This is such a wonderful thing to read, such an amazing feeling for you to have, you are very far from weak. I am happy for you.

 

[Candleflames]

First off I just want to congratulate you on being able to make this decision and to move forward with your own care. Whether or not to take meds is a big decision and clearly not one you chose lightly. I'm glad you are able to see it as the tool it is meant to be. That you are already seeing positive results after only a week is phenomenal and I am happy for you.

I know you feel confused but how you wrote everything out makes me think you have a pretty good handle on your situation. You tried to go med free it didn't work so now you are adding another tool to help sort out what is going on in your head. Hopefully now learning the new coping strategies will be more effective. Some people have a problem with it and are using your struggles against you for their own gain. That's their problem and has nothing to do with you. That speaks to their own insecurities and you are well within your right to tell them to go piss up a rope. Your healing is about you not them.

If you therapist has such an issue with you taking meds then you might need to find a new one. However she may surprise you and change her mind a little when she sees the benefits you are getting. Only time will tell.

I've heard from many people that I should be able to do what I need to do without meds, too. They tell me it's just a crutch or just a band-aid. I tell them they are right and the next time they see someone with a broken leg or a bandaged wound they should quickly rip those things away and make them hobble and bleed. Oh wait, that would be absurd. So would me traveling this road with out medication.

I've seen you around on several threads and you strike me as someone who's pretty strong and maybe a little tough. I have a lot of respect for you. I hope you can hold your head high and not let the naysayers get you down to their level.

 

[Britt.f7]

I come from a family that doesn't believe in medications. It's the natural way or no way at all. Especially my sister. All this, despite how well they have seen the meds work for me. Yes, I have had some with side effects, but they either went away or we got rid of the med. I know you kind of went from one extreme, but you are not necessarily at another. There can be middle ground. People may have a hard time with this, but you can say you changed. Nothing wrong in that.

I'm sorry you had to go through all you did.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I hate medication

Therapy wasn't helping and the thoughts resulted in bad self harm.

Each and every one of us is different, there are some of us who really DO need medication to make our lives closer to the balanced equilibrium that it should be. If you can't help that fact, then it is something that needs to be put in the same basket as your obsessive thoughts/behaviour - not your fault.

I started on medication again last week.

how much it is helping.

I am no longer compelled to act on obsessions.

I am so very pleased to hear this, I love hearing about success, even if it is partial and has it's own drawbacks.

I feel that these people are holding it all above my head.

I can't continue to pay for something that was so very difficult to control.

I am accepting that it's not all my fault.

If they are holding it over your head, it's unfair but people do tend to take things personally, or are unable to grasp the concept of having a normal aspect of their own life be out of control in someone else's. My question is this.....should you be held 'criminally' responsible for your actions, ie, you had full control over your actions and were doing it deliberately or negligently.

If the answer is "no" then the following question is; are they holding it over your head, or are you dealing with lingering misplaced guilt that makes others appear accusatory? It may be that it is one or the other, or a combination of both, but whichever it is, they both require addressing. How you address it is not for me to say, mainly because I don't know how to deal with those in a way which would be best for you and your circumstances.

It really isn't your fault. My T rightly calls it being "hijacked", and it truly is, something else takes over, well at least it does in my regard.

She thinks everyone can be cured with neurofeedback and vitamins. She thinks pharmaceuticals are poison.

Excuse me while I go find something with which to smack her around the ears. Silly bitch sounds like my mother.

 

[Rumors]

TheBuzilla said:
"Excuse me while I go find something with which to smack her around the ears. Silly bitch sounds like my mother."

What Bubz said ;) Best wishes!!!

 

[DMerish]

Solara,

I love hearing about someone trying to be open to possibilities, having the flexibility to try something else and to keep trying to help themselves. So, kudos for coming to a place of wanting to take care of yourself, of trusting yourself - for moving beyond whatever the your opposing beliefs against taking medication were. I'm happy they are helping.

As for those whom you feel "hold things over your head", from what you wrote it sounded that you're beginning to look at that situation more realistically also. If you did something that inconvenienced or hurt someone folks, well, a sincere apology might be in order. Afterwards, hopefully, whatever the issue is/was is let go by both parties - because ultimately we want the same things. To be loved and accepted by others just as we are. If those people can't move on it's their problem - you get to move on knowing that you did the best you could. All one can do is give those people space, and ask for what you want/need from them. "Thanks for your concern. I'm dealing the best I can. I'd like you to recognize and respect that the way I'm dealing is the way that seems right to me."

If you decide to go the new therapist route, I hope he/she will have a broad understanding that different healing modalities help various different types of people and different issues. One method does not work best for all. If it did, it would have been discovered by now and we'd all be well!

I hope you can hold your head high and not let the naysayers get you down to their level.

Here! Here! Take the high road. The low road is already too cluttered with small thinking people.

Drew

 

[nursenurse]

Solara, anyone as pro active and as in tune with themselves as you deserves peace of mind and soul. It takes an extremely strong person to know their limits and to ask for help beyond what they they thought they wanted and needed for themselves. Medications are there for a reason. Just because you need them does not make you weak or any less if a person than the the diabetic who needs insulin. I am not a pill pusher, but the judicious use of medication has helped millions of people around the world. You went without and your life was miserable.

So you need meds. So what? Are you feeling better? Are you functioning better? Those who call you down because of it clearly do not understand you nor the effects of your condition on your life. I think they are toxic to you. You should never have to concern yourself with what others think of you when you clearly have found something that works for you.

And as for your granola eating T, any T worth their salt knows that sometimes therapy and medications have to work together. Sounds like your T may have skipped that class. If her attitude is truly that of making you feel weak because you sought treatment outside of her comfort zone, then it is time to find another one.

On the other hand, I wonder if her attitude was in response to knowing how much you did not want to take medications. A sort of support for what you expressed you wanted for yourself at the time. Tell her, but do not be afraid to cut her loose. You have come way too far and are much more valuable than to absorb someone else's negativity and internalize life sucking guilt and shame just because you have found something that works of you outside of their belief system. Makes my blood boil for you.

Head up and walk proud :)

 

[bell]

@Solara, this post makes me so HAPPY (yes, yelling here) for you! Accepting that we need meds to function better is hard, but really necessary in some cases. (I think all the naysayers can suck it, but as we have to co-exist with them, I think we can just agree to disagree and get on as we were before we realized we had differing opinions... i.e., don't let that ruin things with people, but if things can't be ignored, then um, maybe you're better off without them because if they can't accept that meds are making you happier and better, then maybe they need to take a time out and have a good think!)

Oh, and yes, feeling all the feelings (or even just some of them) is kind of overwhelming, but crying because of sadness is a good first step. GO YOU!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@franciemarnie,
Yes, I was afraid of meds because I didn't want to go back to being numbed out. I wanted to be able to actually FEEL. I didn't realize that I'd gotten to a point of feeling nothing but overwhelming anxiety. You know, when something creeps up on you and you don't really know how bad it is because it didn't hit you all at once. Then, when you're feeling better, you're finally able to see just how bad you were. That's kind of what's happening with me.

@fly away home,
I can't help but wonder if the stigma of medication is partially driving the desire to be med free. Yes, there are the crappy side effects, but there's also the stigma and then shame associated with being so "weak" as to not be able to fix your own problems and need a crutch. Ugh.

@Candleflames,
I like your analogy. I think it's spot on. I'll have to borrow it in the future (I hope that's ok!) I've likened my need for medication to a diabetic on insulin. Nobody would ever think to tell the diabetic to just "think your high blood sugar away" so why do they think that it's ok to tell someone with a mental problem that we should just change our thinking and everything will be peachy"?

@Britt.f7,
Thanks for pointing out that it's not an all or nothing thing. I am finally realizing that its OK to be on medication. I rather be thought of as weak than have to live a miserable life controlled by nothing but anxiety and obsessions.

@TheBubzilla,
No, the actions were not deliberate or negligent. Yes, I regret having done much of them, and I have apologized... I think it might be a little bit from column "A" and a little bit from column "B" in that they're holding it above my head (although not as much as I perceive), AND I am feeling guilty. I was going to post an angry response last night (not directed toward anyone, just venting about the situation), but I didn't. I wrote it and then closed the page without posting. I'm glad I did, because I was angry over the other person's reaction, but now I can actually see why he is acting the way he is acting. I hate that my actions have put us in this place, but the only thing I can do is change my behavior and let the cards fall where they may. I'm frustrated and mad, but I accept my part in the whole thing. To be honest, I know that harsh words said out of anger tend to stick with me, so that plays into it, too. That is, the harsh words my friend has said to me. But, he reminds me that he hasn't walked away and that says a lot. I know he is right, even though things between us are bad at the moment.

@DMerish,
For now I'm giving my friend some space and just waiting to see what happens. There isn't much else I can do at this time as I need to prove to him I can be a stable person. I met him when I was coming off of medication a few years ago. Funny, as after I was completely med free, things sort of nose dived between us. I now wonder just how much of an effect being med free had on my behavior?

@nursenurse,
Yes, I am feeling a lot better and I am at a much higher level of functioning. I think I shocked my family with how much I've been able to accomplish as of late! I don't know what I'm going to do about my therapist. She has pushed supplements on me in the past, which I reluctantly tried with bad effects. She may have been reacting to my judgment of medication, but I know that she is VERY big into supplements. This part sort of bugs me as well. She is supposedly hooked into some sort of mail delivery supplement supply company and says that their supplements are superior and that I should buy them through her. Well, I'm not buying into it as I don't feel comfortable as I get the feeling that there's some sort of benefit in it for her.

@bell,
Thanks for your enthusiastic encouragement! Yes, unfortunately we do have to co-exist with the naysayers, but I have decided to keep this part of my treatment to myself as to minimize their effect on me. I can discuss my medications with you guys, and with my doctor, and really that's all I need right now (until I find a significant other---he'll have to be supportive or it definitely won't last!)

 

[Candleflames]

Please do use the analogy. It was inspired by another so I can't really take the credit. I've also used the diabetic analogy too.

Oddly a friend of mine who was diagnosed with diabetes when she was 8 was told about a year ago by some guy in line at a coffee shop that it wasn't a real illness, that is was made up to get people on insulin and that all they needed was a healthy diet, exercise and supplements. My friend was livid at the time but now we laugh. It is just so ridiculous. I just thought I'd share that it's not just us that gets this crap.

That bit about your T wanting to sell you a particular line of supplements is a huge red flag in my book!