Sexual Assault Confused

[Girl4782]

i am new... My apologies for not posting an intro. I am so confused. Is it possible to have repressed/suppressed memories of childhood sexual abuse? I have no recollection of sexual abuse but I have a lot of "symptoms" of someone who has been abused and I am told by a professional that I identify as if I were sexually abused.
Here's what's happened that I do remember and it's not really in reference to me...
Finding out as a youngster that my mom was raped, running into one of her perps in cvs and avoiding him, and my sister telling me she was raped.
Here's what's happening now: my sister came out and said she's never been raped but actually she was molested as a child but the rape story was a way to get the comfort she needed without disclosing what actually happened. From the sounds of it (no one is giving straight answers) it was my brother.
Here's why I have a suspicion, but I don't know if it's actually suspicion or just fear. For years I've been emetophobic, can't stand things in or near my throat... Have had ocd for like ten years. Started with fear of vomiting... Then germs... Then escalated to sexual fears. I walked around being terrified of rape and as a teenager avoided normal social situations due to this fear. I hated anything that talked about sexual assault or hinted that anyone around me had been assaulted. It terrified me.
Then I started being terrified I would sexually abuse a child (never have and have no desire whatsoever to do so) but where in the world would such thoughts come from?
I'm just so confused. Am I just a bad case of
Ocd or is there a potential of repressed memories?

 

[anthony]

Is it possible to have repressed/suppressed memories of childhood sexual abuse?

Yes, without a doubt. There is much unknown about the brain, but repressed memories are valid. They may come through, they may never be recovered.

The problem with the rest of what you've said, is it could also simply be paranoia, phobia, a string of other mental health disorders, all having nothing to do with sexual abuse. You could have been sexually abused... you have good instincts and right to be confused, especially surrounding parental and sibling sexual abuse happening around you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can imagine how the scenario with seeing your mom's perpetrator in public could have gone down, you as a terrified young child. The one person in the world who was supposed to be strong and protect you was violated....you would then see the world as unsafe.

I've been told about other people's trauma (close family member) and to be honest, her trauma completely blows mine out of the water. I have worse thoughts about her trauma than my own. Which leads me to this.....its important to NOT tell others about our traumas because that places a burden on the other person. I was an adult when I found out about my loved one's trauma, and its a lot for me to deal with. I can only imagine what would happen to a young child who was told that her mom was raped, her sister was raped, and then having to be fearful in public because of running into her mom's rapist.

So my point is that you may have taken on too much of someone else's trauma. There are other stories here on the forum of supporters who think they're doing the right thing by telling their sufferer that they want to know all about their trauma, and then then later regretting it because those stories invade their minds and then cause the supporters to become symptomatic.

Without other memories, you will probably never know for sure.

 

[Nam]

And even if you do recover memories, some doubt always remain. The brain is amazing at justifying things so it sits right with the world. I still have doubts to this day. Repression is real. That I have no doubt. But I do doubt the validity of the memories at times. They are malleable and sometimes information is missing, and other times, it's only a sensation. I was one of the few people that was NOT in therapy when the memories started to return. I was diagnosed with PPD at first. So there was no second guessing if there was planting or hints toward abuse from my therapist. Like Anthony said, you have other issues that muddy the water when it comes to defining your symptoms into certain categories.