Childhood Confusion About Childhood Incident(s)

[Silent Walker]

I want to first describe shortly my general childhood situation before I actually go on to the specific topic that I am thoroughly confused about. I grew up with an alcholic father, and enabler mum. The family atmosphere was one filled with conflict. If there were days without fights in my earlier days, I considered myself lucky. And the fighting was intense. Smashing of furniture, pushing around, screaming that were so loud it basically filled my entire consciousness. The main actor; My Dad. Now, this is a subject I have opened myself up to with friends and close ones. However, due to developmental deficiencies I have attributed some of my mum's enabler coping mechanisms. In short, I am a people pleaser. This leads directly to the main point of this text. It might be that what follows is a bit incoherent, but I have NEVER talked about this to anyone.

So I became "best friends" with this two year older guy (I am a guy myself). He was also from a troubled home, and (not surprisingly) was a dominant and controlling person. We used to sleepover at each other a lot. When I was around 8-10 (maybe before, maybe after, but most likely around when I was 8 years old), he asked if I had ever touched my penis. And he was talking about how good it was etc. I was in my normal defensive dissociative state, and probably responded "weakly". It then evolved to him touching me and vice versa. This "relationship" then evolved to involve more advanced sexual acts. My main confusion is whether or not this can be classified as abuse, or just normal child explorativeness? It is all pretty dazy in my mind, so I don't recall the details very well. But I know for a fact he was the "pusher" of these acts, and that I felt really, really helpless and hypnotized. I had moments of utter shame and disbelief of what happened. This was, by the way, something that lasted for several years. In my own eyes, I don't see him as a "normal" perpetrator, as he didn't per se force anything. But there was definitely a lot of psychological dominance in the picture. I don't think he meant to hurt me in any way, but for me it felt like I was trapped, which was an extension of the already trapped feeling I had from growing up home.

What do you guys make out of this? Is this something I should expect has affected me in a great fashion? Any help is greatly appreciated!!

 

[Tinyflame]

If you didn't want to, or didn't want to with him, feel +/ or felt ashamed, and didn't knw how to get out of it or make it stop it, I'd say probably yes. Especially since grooming/ taking advantage usually feels like betrayal to ever mention.

 

[GMW]

I have experience of this since I too was abused by another child (in amongst adults) and struggled with EXACTLY the same issue. It's so good to hear I'm not alone!! Thank you for your courage in sharing.
What I found out is quite simply;
When children "explore" there is no focus on pleasure. They do not understand that sex=pleasure. If the focus of the play IS pleasure and one child pushes the other and bullies/manipulates them into it, THAT is the difference between child exploration play and abuse. Since only you can answer that, only you can say if you feel it was abuse. The effects are largely the same as adult on child abuse but the shame and confusion can be worse (as you've identified) since society doesn't believe it happens as easily as they believe adults abuse children.
I also found out that the majority of kids who abuse other kids have been abused themselves. So while it does not excuse it, as an adult I now feel a modicum of empathy towards those kids and my anger has largely gone. That for me is the only positive difference; I can let go of the anger a little easier.
Having been abused by both adults and kids, boys and girls... I would say that the confusion you express is enough of a reason to seek help. You will not be shamed or told what you experienced was abuse - if a therapist tries this they are not the right one for you. I cannot tell you if the abuse will have given you lasting, profound damage.... your therapist will help you explore that. What I CAN tell you is that you deserve help to deal with the confusion.

Take care and thanks again for being brave enough to break a taboo.

 

[GMW]

Oh, and given the age of the "child" involved - that makes it less likely to be exploration since usually play of that nature ends with young childhood. Teenagers understand that sex = pleasure. They should also understand the concept of privacy and respect.

 

[Friday]

My main confusion is whether or not this can be classified as abuse, or just normal child explorativeness? I

It could be classed either way, really. From what you've written I couldn't even begin to speculate which.

One thing to keep in mind, is that even if it was in no way any kind of abuse? But just 2 kids experimenting? That doesn't mean that it was or is problem free. There tends to be this idea once someone has been abused that anything that isn't abuse = good. Nope! There's a whole range of good to indifferent to bad below the line of abuse. "Normal" problems? Things in the bad range below the level of abuse? Can be complicated, hard, impossible, challenging, confusing, heartbreaking things.

To be clear, I'm not saying it wasn't abuse. It may have been. But if it wasn't? That doesn't mean it was a good thing, or a simple thing, either. Problems exist without villains.

Oh, and given the age of the "child" involved - that makes it less likely to be exploration

I'd have to disagree... 8-10 & 10-12 is smack dab in the middle of adolescent exploration years.

Teenagers understand that sex = pleasure.

And teenagers snog, make out with, experiment, and have sex with each other. While neither of the boys were teenagers, yet, if they were teens / past puberty that would make consensual sex acts even more normal. It seems like part of the confusion here with the OP is neither of them were at age of consent, but they were both still children, and both friends / shared real affection for each other. Which would lean towards normal exploration but since they both had a trauma background? Everything is a lot murkier.

They should also understand the concept of privacy and respect.

LOL. I have yet to meet a teenager who does! Teens are learning about privacy and respect, but they're almost universally shite at recognizing or employing it... For several years.

 

[PointlessExistence]

I want to first describe shortly my general childhood situation before I actually go on to the sp...

Whether or not he was an "abuser" does not seem important in a case like yours. But whether or not these things should have affected you in a great fashion? Hell yeah. You were doing something rather out of the ordinary at such a young age, through no wish of your own, and you had moments of shame and disbelief. That type of thing can make a HUGE impression on one's psyche and development.

It doesn't matter what his motivation was or whether he was "at fault" or not. You don't have to make sense of that aspect. If you find anger at him, then of course explore that and go with it. Don't deny it. But if not, then just forget about the blame and take stock of how it made you feel at the time. That is the real important part, and that's the part that can help you help yourself.

 

[Silent Walker]

Thanks for all the quick and insightful answers! There is much truth to the statement:" Doesnt matter wheter it can be classified as abuse or not, its how it has affected you that matter". I remember feeling like a victim, and frozen in state, so I guess thats a big indicator for that. The concept of revictimization is definitely one that has rung through for me, also independent of what ive written in this text, and the character flaws that i have aquired through my upbringing is what mainly concerns me at the moment. I never want to end up on the receiving end again... These deep seated beliefs and emotional dyafunctionaloty are however oh so hard to get rid of. It is like it is ingrained into my DNA. Where is the reset button??!

 

[Gs172003]

He was just a child and so were you. If he was say, 15 I'd be all over it but at what you are saying is probably 10, it's not so clear.

I had a relative that when he was 6 another 6 year old was caught performing fellatio on him. I doubt he would be considered an abuser and my relative didn't know that what the boy was doing was wrong. I don't know what happened after that, I hope cps was called.