Confusion Of Sexuality.

[Deleted member 28862]

Esha, have you done any research into scholarships to study abroad? They are out there.

none for my country

 

[hodge]

No, there are international foundations that sponsor students to study abroad. Let me try to do some research on it.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

No, there are international foundations that sponsor students to study abroad. Let me try to do some resear...

Last time I searched for them (Nov) either the ones that were for my country where way over my head, I struggled a lot in school because of parents issues, the rapes, bullying ....plus I was just piss poor at math so with education scholarships its a no no, I'm not very healthy so sports scholarships is a no, I never was supported with my dream to learn the violin so musical ones is also a no no...sigh:cry:

 

[hodge]

Oh, dear. I've been searching, but can't find anything yet. So I take it you never had violin lessons?

 

[Deleted member 28862]

Nope not one, I've never even touched one. Just adored them from a far.

 

[hodge]

Even if you're not good at math, though, there may be options. Especially if you're good in the humanities -- English, philosophy, political science, and others?

 

[Deleted member 28862]

I'll definitely look into them. Maybe try an online course in Philosophy...or Psychology. Maybe Astrology, I've always liked things like that.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

If you were attracted to guys before the trauma, then the trauma may be turning you off to guys now mo...

I was attracted before, also attracted to woman as will, just not as much as men, now it seems the tables has completely turned

 

[hodge]

Good luck, Esha. If I find anything, I will let you know. Take care!

 

[Chava]

Sorry you are feeling confused and also in such an unsupportive place.

I don't need my sexual preference to be another bunch of question marks in my mind either

Well, it probably can't "go away." But you could really set it aside on a shelf, right? Do you need to date? Are you wanting companion? I honestly don't, so don't always remember that this is very normal!! If you are very attracted to women, it's just awesome you can admit that. Not saying it means you're gay, but probably don't rule it out (or set it all aside if you don't want to grapple with it right now). But you're in a place here to not be judged. I was assaulted and raped as well. I lost interest in men but am also not interested in women. So I can understand half of that, yet I'm almost asexual. I do also think there is a spectrum and women are a little more fluid within that...like it's not black and white. I acted out with other girls when younger and that was confusing and felt very shameful for a long time for me. Self-acceptance of our whole selves is so important, but I know it's hard.

I do not have ideas for study abroad, but I hope others keep posting...and if nothing else supporting you here. I can also say as a professional violinist that you can also still learn as an adult. Maybe you won't make it pro (f*cking hard and not worth it for me anyway because now I can barely play anymore), but it can still be an adventure, self expression, joy, and something to love. It's hard to learn, but I've taught adult students. You can still give yourself that chance if you can find a teacher.

Alright, hang in there. Not to sound a little cliche, but you really are okay just the way you are. :)

 

[Deleted member 28862]

Good luck, Esha. If I find anything, I will let you know. Take care!

thank you so much, you don't know how much that means to me!

 

[Deleted member 28862]

Sorry you are feeling confused and also in such an unsupportive place.



Well, it probably can't "go away...

Is it weird that I cried a bit?? Looking for a companion, i'm 50/50. I wouldn't mind having someone like that but then again I'm not that much concerned with it, I'm 21 now never had an actual boyfriend. As I've always been a shy person no one is being suspicious of anything they're just taking it as me being a late bloomer I guess. With any of my endeavors I never look to be pro or get super famous, I just would like to do something that I can express my feelings with, I love to sing and dance but I would never show those sides to anyone. I think it would be nice to have someone I can be my complete true self with, and not feel that I owe them something because they allow me to be who I am. I saw a little girl back when I was in grade 11 play it, she was in the beginning stages and she did plucking, it fascinated the crap outta me and I've been interested ever since. I want to learn to play 10 instruments in my lifetime. I just hope I get the chance tp