Confusion with processing traumatic memories

[Snowflake]

I am doing EMDR on a horrible memory with my father. (I’m sooo glad you guys can not see me and don’t know me because this is embarrassing stuff)
Anyhow I’m getting overwhelmed and confused and conflicted when processing. I want to move faster because it’s not fair to my therapist but I continue to remain stuck and messed up. My father was an angry man and I was an easy target. One memory is him sitting on my chest, holding my arms down with his knees, while mom or my brother held my legs. My father would perform oral sex with me. Unable to breath, speak, scream, or move. If things didn’t progress fast enough he was screaming at me. If things went well I was a good little girl and he loved me. I’m frozen in this memory. So many things happening to me....the fact I could do nothing but gag. I hate myself for not moving faster when processing this but I can’t -I remain in the moment when I thought I was going to die. I feel bad for my therapist. It’s not fair to her. If I could forget it I would. I feel like something is preventing me from moving past this, not sure what. Maybe the fact he ejaculated in my mouth and I hate myself for it. Idk. Any thoughts would be great. Sorry

 

[DharmaGirl]

It takes as long as it takes. I'm sure your therapist doesn't want you to go faster than you should and re-traumatize yourself. You aren't a machine, you can't just go at a steady pace.

 

[EveHarrington]

I want to move faster because it’s not fair to my therapist

What’s not fair to your therapist?

You pay her to do a job, so that in a nutshell makes it “fair” for you to struggle with moving forward.

But really it’s not about what’s fair, right?

I mean you wouldn’t go to an OBGYN and make statements about how your endometriosis issues weren’t healing fast enough, so it isn’t “fair” to your doc, right?

I use this illustration to show that the concept of fairness doesn’t apply.

And even if it did, professionals are paid for this stuff anyway, so that makes it “fair”...

 

[unbrokenwarrior]

Processing memories shouldn't be rushed. I think it's important to allow your brain to go at a pace that is as comfortable as possible without forcing it or retraumatising yourself. I think you should bring this up with your therapist and tell her that you feel stuck with processing this memory and maybe she will have a better idea on how to move forward. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Snowflake]

What’s not fair to your therapist?

You pay her to do a job, so that in a nutshell makes it “fair” for you to struggle with moving forward.

But really it’s not about what’s fair, right?

I mean you wouldn’t go to an OBGYN and make statements about how your endometriosis issues weren’t healing fast enough, so it isn’t “fair” to your doc, right?

I use this illustration to show that the concept of fairness doesn’t apply.

And even if it did, professionals are paid for this stuff anyway, so that makes it “fair”...

I know. I worry

 

[Friday]

I want to move faster because it’s not fair to my therapist

I feel bad for my therapist. It’s not fair to her.

Your therapist doesn’t feel the same things you do.

Maybe try cutting her out of the equation? How does that shift things? IE are you stuck because you’re worried about what she’s feeling, instead of what you’re feeling? It’s a way to distance yourself, avoid your own feelings... by putting your feelings onto her (which can’t be resolved, because you can’t resolve someone else’s feelings)... even though that’s not what she thinks and feels.

It’s also a work around. If you list out what you think she’s feeling... how much of that accurately reflects what you’re feeling? Unfair, just as a start?

 

[FauxLiz]

It’s a way to distance yourself, avoid your own feelings

If I could forget it I would.

I think Friday has some good things to say and wishing you could forget that is Avoidance 101 right there.
I know it is hard and painful to work on processing these memories but don't try to rush yourself through them. Better to face the memories and process them at the speed you need to work through them than to rush it, leave something unfinished and have to come back to these memories again down the line to take care of unfinished business.

 

[grit]

I am really sorry you had experienced this in your family and by your dad. It is painful! I think when you truly feel as a child but you are observing as an adult, you will move through. I m holding you in my heart tonight.

 

[Snowflake]

I am really sorry you had experienced this in your family and by your dad. It is painful! I think when you truly feel as a child but you are observing as an adult, you will move through. I m holding you in my heart tonight.

Thank you

 

[Freida]

They take as long as they take -- and I'm so sad you have to relive it over again. Maybe if you break it into smaller amounts of time? I have some memories I can only spend 2 or 3 minutes in before it overwhelms me.

I'm pretty sure emdr ts all know its a long process -- so no need to feel bad... :hug:

 

[Sandstone]

I want to move faster because it’s not fair to my therapist

. If things didn’t progress fast enough he was screaming at me

Therapy is the place where you can decide how fast things go. You are in control. I think part of the process is learning to take control and choose what is good for you.

Had you noticed the link between the two sets of external expectations?