My mum found out had cancer when i was 14 and after 3 and half years (a lot longer than they gave her) she passed away.my dad was in sydney so when I want advice i always think of mum. Which upsets me and then i usually focus that sadness on anything in my life. As i get older ive got better at disconnecting which isn't good cause comes out some stage. Need advice in real life ways to process it
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Confusion
- Post starter Bigray79
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lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Advise to process greif? Thats different for everyone and shouldnt be rushed. Do you have a therapist?
ETA: Welcome to the forum! :hug:
ETA: Welcome to the forum! :hug:
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- #3
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Do you have a therapist?
I will use myself to the reason I ask this; my mother was one of the two abusers, what my therapist calls "horrific things" done to me, I hate her as much as one could hate someone but I dare someone say something bad about her...I will take up for her and take a bullet for her...she's my nom.
So the confusion/seperation is helped by therapy and processing.
To me it sounds a bit simplier, seperating the sadness of her death with what though? Its natural that if someone says something bad about your mom you would get angry and if there was no abuse there, I dont see anything wrong with that.
If you are wanting to not get sad each time you think of your mom, think of the happy times. Make a memory wall of pictures of happy times, make a video of happy times...wallpaper your life with the happy times and it will start to change to the happy memories.
If you are a PTSD sufferer and if you want to, find an EMDR trained therapist...EMDR is memory intergration therapy. Bad memories eventually go into the background and more good memories come into the foreground.
Im a bit confused of what you are wanting to seperate and very unsure if I helped or answered it. Maybe a bit more of what you are looking for and a bit more background will help....unless im just being completely dense, which is possible ;)
Seasounds
Diamond Member
I'm so sorry that you lost your mother in your late teenage years; a crucial time. I had a friend that experienced something similar.
It is so understandable how, when you remember leaning on her for advice, that it upsets you. Your awareness of how your grief then gets passed on to daily events, was so precise, to how my grief works.
Rather than trying to separate out, or get rid of the sadness that you experience, for the sake of your mental health (burying feelings caused me years of insomnia), I'd recommend to work gently with a therapist to understand and process this layer of grief that you are having. If you do it that way, the feelings that upset you will most likely diminish, over time.
I can understand the anger that you experience, if you hear someone criticize her. My cousin was a protector of his mother and I remember feeling him flinch when I suggested to him that his mother wasn't perfect--to help him realize his mother was a lovely person and was a rigid person, and therefore, allowing himself and others to feel anger towards her, was very understandable and very healthy. My cousin later told me that he hadn't yet realized that a person could be angry at their mother and still love them. Allowing himself to feel anger decreased his depression and helped him be less rigid (thank goodness for me).
Regarding progress though this layer of grief, be patient if you can. There may be a good outcome for you,
When I was dealing with a similar situation of both feeling grief, and feeling angry after my relatives criticized my beloved grandmother, after working it through in therapy some changes occurred. I felt her love ground me in moments of decision making. I still talk to her, in my head, or aloud-if no one is around: "What do you think?" And I could also handle people expressing anger about her, as well.
Best to you! :hug:
It is so understandable how, when you remember leaning on her for advice, that it upsets you. Your awareness of how your grief then gets passed on to daily events, was so precise, to how my grief works.
Rather than trying to separate out, or get rid of the sadness that you experience, for the sake of your mental health (burying feelings caused me years of insomnia), I'd recommend to work gently with a therapist to understand and process this layer of grief that you are having. If you do it that way, the feelings that upset you will most likely diminish, over time.
I can understand the anger that you experience, if you hear someone criticize her. My cousin was a protector of his mother and I remember feeling him flinch when I suggested to him that his mother wasn't perfect--to help him realize his mother was a lovely person and was a rigid person, and therefore, allowing himself and others to feel anger towards her, was very understandable and very healthy. My cousin later told me that he hadn't yet realized that a person could be angry at their mother and still love them. Allowing himself to feel anger decreased his depression and helped him be less rigid (thank goodness for me).
Regarding progress though this layer of grief, be patient if you can. There may be a good outcome for you,
When I was dealing with a similar situation of both feeling grief, and feeling angry after my relatives criticized my beloved grandmother, after working it through in therapy some changes occurred. I felt her love ground me in moments of decision making. I still talk to her, in my head, or aloud-if no one is around: "What do you think?" And I could also handle people expressing anger about her, as well.
Best to you! :hug:
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- Post starter
- #6
Thank you for putting your personal side in.
I do think of her in happy thoughts. When i sad cause i miss her or birthdays or family stuff and someone does anything i can take bad i go off like they said something about her even thou they didn't
You're not dense Lost.
He struggles to articulate what he needs in general
Talk about someone else and he's one of the smartest people I know, but when its to do with him he is clueless.
This is really hard for him, and I'm super proud he is even trying.
This is his first attempt in 37 years so its going to take time.
Thanks for trying to communicate with him lovely, thats exactly what he needs x
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
I do that all the time, talk to loved ones i lost like they are still here...sometimes like one would just vent to someone. Its why people visit grave sites.
Also one of my favorite sayings is its not nice to speak ill of the dead/passed away. Maybe a good saying to tell someone if they someone talks bad about her? Though not sure why someone would...its so disrespectful! My dad does about my step mom's brother too whom passed in his sleep, we were all living together. It makes me mad too so you arent alone in that.
- Post starter
- #10
Thank you for your reply it made me cry for 2 reasons.
1. Cause never really been able to put in words and its like everything I've wanted to say
2. Like a weight has been lifted just knowing that there is lightat end of tunnel
You got me crying (happy) again lol
I'm sorry for your lost and your cousin it's worst feeling and I'm so thankful you replied to me
- Post starter
- #11
Oh baby you got me too
Love you to moon and back you've given me strength to try process this.
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