Considering Quitting With Current Therapist

[joeylittle]

I think I would need to write out a preliminary script that would make calling easier?

Yes. This is an excellent solution to that very common problem.

TBH, a lot of crisis management is just problem-solving when things are stable (ish), like you are doing now. And very good solutions often arise after problematic crisis situations.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I don't think it's ok not to help someone in danger but the reality is he can't be there 24/7. For you...

I agree, it seems this situation may get beyond difficult. I usually don't judge but when a partner from the patient joins it could get ugly. To me it seems the patient may have unhealthy tendencies in securing partnerships and in my opinion may consciously or unconsciously pit the therapist against the partner in the patient's personal life.

I do not know what the procedures are when a suicidal risk is involved, but was in the belief that at the time a real danger of suicide exists hospitalization is strongly encouraged. I also do understand that when a patient feels suicidal it is his or her prerogative to check themselves into a hospital.

 

[kilted]

I'm not from the US..... but even then... the idea that when you're training you

adequately assess suicide risk, ensure that there is a plan in place

but after that you don't have to is a bit alarming. Your therapist does these things in training because that's part of keeping the client safe. It's not just paperwork, it's part of the ethical framework of therapy. A therapist never stops doing those things, and puts them on paper... because if the therapist falls under a bus the new one needs to know what's going on.

Likewise it's great that your therapist gives all the extra time for free, but it does seem to make it difficult to know where the boundaries are. As Suzetig says..... the therapists job is to help the client put in place other support networks..... working out what is "just enough" contact to encourage this, without creating dependency while also being mindful that support may be withdrawn at short notice is a delicate balancing act.

I'm also surprised that you've been working together for 5 years and you don't have a safety plan. To me there's something odd about this..... if this suicidal ideation/intention is recent that's OK, and maybe your therapist was caught out a bit by this escalation (which does happen in therapy)..... but if the ideation/intention has been there before then I would think your therapist would have generated a safety plan previously...... as Joeylittle says...... these plans are best made when we are functioning well. Leaving it till during/immediately after an incident can make the process itself potentially triggering in the future.

 

[Deleted member 40384]

I agree, it seems this situation may get beyond difficult. I usually don't judge but when a part...

The assumption that I have unhealthy tendencies in securing partnerships is simply untrue. I feel like I'm not being understood, maybe due to it being difficult to convey adequate details or information on a forum. I am mindful and conscious of not wanting to pit my partner against my T (or the other way around), and I've brought this up to my partner. My partner doesn't dislike T at all, he just wants to be there to work out what happened so that we're all on the same page. My T said that it is fine for all three of us to meet today.

 

[Deleted member 40384]

I'm not from the US..... but even then... the idea that when you're training you
but after that you don...

Yes, I've had suicidal ideation for the entirety of time T and I have been working together. I didn't know about safety plans until recently, and I'm glad we're making one now.

 

[NightSky]

I hope your session goes well today. Keep us posted?

 

[lux.]

I have never had a therapist who I contacted on their cell. Maybe it's because I've always gone to community mental health centers and not private practices, but they just don't give out their cell numbers and they aren't a person to contact in a crisis. I personally really wouldn't feel comfortable taking my therapist away from her kids or her teaching or schooling or whatever it was she was doing at the time, whereas crisis and EMS services are there just to help in emergency situations like this.

If your therapist lets you down, I'm sure they have a crisis center or mobile crisis unit in your area, plus there are the suicide hotlines, in addition to 911, which you really need to be willing to call in the event that you make an attempt and change your mind and want help. There are also online and texting crisis chat services. My post count is not high enough to post links, but google "crisis chat." I've never used any of them, but they could probably contact your local police department for you if you needed it.

So I don't really know how it works with contacting therapists on their personal cell phones outside of office hours, but, like other people said, there have to be clear boundaries set up for that. I think a lot of people gave good advice here, but you came wanting to know if you should leave your therapist over this one issue, and I think that's something you should talk to him about. Just be honest and tell him that you're thinking of seeking a new therapist because of it and see if you two can work it out and solve the problem together. It would be a shame to end a 5-year therapy relationship, which presumably had been good or you wouldn't have stayed that long, over this one incident. But you also said that you might be too attached, and that's something that could take a long time to work through--but definitely needs to be brought up to him. Or your therapist might even think it's time to move on. My therapist and I have recently decided to part ways as I have been working with her for years and not really improving, so it's time to try someone new.

 

[Deleted member 40384]

I've had two sessions with T since I last posted, and they were difficult but I think we have a better understanding of each other now, and a clearer sense of where the boundaries are. He recognized that he didn't handle the situation in an ideal way, and that his emotions and assumptions (e.g., assuming that I expected him to be there 24/7) clouded his decision-making. We went over what I could have done differently, and solidified the safety plan by sorting out any potential miscommunication that could occur in a crisis situation.
I'm going to be seeing an EMDR therapist next week and hopefully having a new perspective and source of support will help with my feelings of dependence toward my current T. My T doesn't have time to check in with me on the phone for a week, or go on an exposure outing, but it may be a positive thing to have some space and believe that I can be okay on my own. One upsetting thing from our last session was that T said he is no longer comfortable hugging/holding me. There's a lot of controversy about touch in therapy, and at first T said he was fine with it if it helped, but more recently he changed his mind out of his own discomfort and inexperience with it. His decision is bringing up a lot of shame for me, because I consider him a "safe" person, and I have a strong aversion to being touched in "normal life". Him touching me felt healing, but I thought it could be exacerbating my attachment issues, at least in the short-term.
I'm not sure what to do next, so I'm just allowing myself to float around and keep the conversation open (with myself as well). The last couple weeks have been high-emotion so I'm going to let things settle so that I'm making decisions with a clear mind and open heart.

Thanks everyone for your insights.

 

[lux.]

I'm going to be seeing an EMDR therapist next week

Be careful with EMDR. It can really exacerbate symptoms if you're not stable enough to handle it. I've always been told that I'm not ready for it yet because I still don't have my behavioral issues (addiction and eating disorder) under control enough. I knew someone who had been in remission from her anorexia for 7 years, but then when she started doing EMDR, it came back so hardcore that she was on a feeding tube for weeks, and had to be in the regular hospital for a long time getting her physical health under control before she could even go to the eating disorder ward. I've heard of other people who were in good shape and had relapses with various issues when doing EMDR, too.

T said he is no longer comfortable hugging/holding me. There's a lot of controversy about touch in therapy,

His decision is bringing up a lot of shame for me,

I can definitely understand why this would bring up shame for you. It would probably make you feel like he was saying that the hugging was "wrong" when it felt right to you. Try to just remember that it probably wasn't a decision based on his feelings, but rather based on the norms of the profession. I think a therapist holding their client is very unusual and most therapists probably wouldn't do it for boundary reasons. Your therapist probably just thought it was a good idea at first, but now that boundary issues have come up, perhaps he thinks it's doing you more harm than good. Or perhaps he just has come across some information--therapists are supposed to read to keep up with the latest research in the field--that made him rethink the benefits of hugging you.

So this doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Your feelings of shame are probably a trauma reaction. I don't know what particular trauma you've been through, but perhaps this situation brings back feelings from a past trauma when you were touched in a way that wasn't right.

 

[kilted]

There's a lot in your post that would indicate that your therapist is inexperienced in many ways.... the touch thing being just one..... to give touch and then withdraw it can be more damaging than not giving it in the first place.

If your therapist was unable to draw safe boundaries and was making assumptions then touch was not a good idea. Touch is important..... I have found it immensely useful in my journey, however I go to therapists and bodyworkers who use it as an integral part of their work, because they have a better understanding of boundaries and the effects of touch.

 

[lux.]

Touch is important..... I have found it immensely useful in my journey, however I go to therapists and bodyworkers who use it as an integral part of their work, because they have a better understanding of boundaries and the effects of touch.

I'm surprised I've heard a few people on this site talk about touching their therapists. I would totally not be comfortable with that. The one time my therapist touched me, I was walking out her door and she touched my arm to stop me because she thought of something else she wanted to tell me. It was just her hand on my upper arm for a second, but it totally freaked me out. I kind of froze and dissociated for a second. I don't like to be touched, but I definitely do not want to be touched by someone with whom I feel there should be very firm boundaries. I cannot imagine hugging her.

 

[Suzetig]

I think that's the problem with to ch in therapy, some folk are ok with it, some feel they need it as part of their therapy and some are ok either way.

Actually, your T recognising that touch wasn't a good thing in your therapy and changing that seems more like the mark of someone with some level of experience and insight. For me inexperience is shown in disregarding the power of touch in therapy, the T thinking they've got it under control and that they are good enough to deal with any negatives. If the T is able to recognise their reaction isn't ok, or it's creating over dependence in the relationship the mature thing to do is bring it for discussion.

Sometimes you don't know until you're in it, sometimes it's ok with one client but not with another, sometimes it changes as the relationship changes. I think the withdrawal needs to be gentle and respectful and clearly explained but touch is a boundary like any other and some boundaries over the course of a relationship.