Considering Suicide Again

[Miaoqing]

Hello everyone,

Lately, I've been feeling extremely suicidal, with plans to either overdose on Zoloft or crash my car going ~90 mph. The strangest thing about it is that I'm suicidal at the same time that I'm not. It's not so much that I want to die but that I want to hurt myself in a terrible way - an extended, dramatic form of self harm, I suppose? It's like I'm flirting with suicide but don't want to fully commit yet. Still, at least three times a day these thoughts will barrel into me and I will want to kill myself. My reasons are mainly that I feel I have no reason to exist anymore, that I'm a waste of space, that kind of thing. I'm wallowing around in a pit of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and maybe even BPD. I've attempted suicide three times in the past couple of years, and ended up in the psych ward back in July. It was such a terrible experience for me, but lately I've felt that it's time to go back again. Existing, living, is laborious. I really have nothing to live for. The only thing keeping me alive is writing-related - I'm a published poet - and seeing whether or not x journal will accept my work or not, which is a surefire way to make me even more suicidal. Every time I'm even moderately inconvenienced, these thoughts of suicide return, and I'm scared of them. I'm scared I'll act on them and do something drastic and irreversible. But still, they persist... what do I do? Should I tell my therapist/psychiatrist about these thoughts? Should I go to the hospital? Am I a failure if I end up at the hospital again?

xoxo

 

[Gs172003]

You're not a failure. It's incredibly brave to ask for help

 

[hodge]

You are not a failure. You could call a crisis line anytime. And maybe hold back on submitting poems until you feel more stable, since it sounds like that is a huge stressor -- and why wouldn't it be? I'm very sensitive about my poetry, too. You have plenty to live for. You give compassion to others, which is sorely needed in this world. We can't afford to lose any of us. But you have to take care of yourself, too.

I would say, yes, tell your therapist and psychiatrist about these thoughts. If they think you should be in a hospital again, is there another place that wouldn't be so terrible? There's a pretty nice psych hospital about 2.5 hours away from me. I haven't been there, but a friend has. I drove her there when she was suicidal (and also thought about driving her car into an accident), and she liked it and found it really helpful. :hug: if that's okay.

 

[Panda Bear]

Tell, always! I always tell and if you're feeling/thinking this way, you should too.

You're not a failure either!

 

[Miaoqing]

I would say, yes, tell your therapist and psychiatrist about these thoughts. If they think you should be in a hospital again, is there another place that wouldn't be so terrible? There's a pretty nice psych hospital about 2.5 hours away from me. I haven't been there, but a friend has. I drove her there when she was suicidal (and also thought about driving her car into an accident), and she liked it and found it really helpful. :hug: if that's okay.

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I need to go back to the hospital. :( I just had a really terrible experience at the hospital I went to, so I'm thinking of going to Children's Hospital instead. They are supposed to have a really good psychiatric inpatient unit. I just don't want to be in the hospital with people who call me Dogeater and Ching Chong again, and with boys who harass me daily. But I need to go back. Even if I despise every second of it, I need to go back. I'm just worried about how this will affect my grades and my transcript. I'm a senior in high school, and I'm applying to colleges pretty soon. Do you think colleges will accept a suicidal, severely mentally ill girl to their institutions? I feel like my future is folding itself into smaller and smaller squares. It's disappearing as we speak. :sorry::cry:

 

[hodge]

Oh, hon. :cry: I hope and pray you can go to Children's Hospital. Can you talk to a counselor at school about this? There must be some allowances for this. I wish I had experience with this situation and could give you more advice, but my PTSD came on later in life, so I don't have much practical advice for someone in your situation, except to say:

There's nothing wrong with putting off college for a year or two, especially when your mental health is at stake. That is more important, and the colleges will still be there when you're better. I took off three years after high school before applying to college, because I wasn't ready for that commitment. I ended up getting into a quite prestigious school. But you have to be ready, because it's a lot of stress. I can understand right now it feels like your options are disappearing, but that feeling will pass. It's not the end of the world for you. You are just starting out. And the options will be there when you're ready. Take good care of yourself, honey. Eat well, exercise, practice coping skills, go to therapy, work on your stuff, and go to that hospital if your treatment team recommends it. And if anyone calls you names there, tell every staff person you can. Big :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

:hug: :hug: :(

 

[Miaoqing]

Thanks everybody for your warm thoughts. I really appreciate them. :)

I'm seeing my therapist on Wednesday morning and I've decided that I'm going to tell her about my thoughts. If I go back to the hospital, then so be it, I probably need to go back anyhow. I just feel such a terrible amount of guilt over how I feel. For the first time ever, I told one of my friends that I'm suicidal, and he took it pretty well, considering. He agrees with me that I need to go to the hospital. Truth be told, I know I'm not well, and I feel so incredibly guilty about my suicidal feelings and my self harm. But that guilt just seems to make me worse. :( It's so strange, but if I'm admitted on Wednesday, then it will be exactly three months since I was in the hospital. What a great way to celebrate the anniversary :whistling:

 

[Gs172003]

How are you now?