Constant Hypervigilance Making Me Feel Crazy

[intrasearching]

Hi all,

I am wondering how many of you out there can relate to this...

So I am constantly hypervigilant, and since it is always present with me, one of the things I am so hypervigilant of is my mind. I have had a deep phobia about mental illness since I was a young teenager, and so whenever my thoughts speed up (anxiety) or I feel hyper (I have ADHD) or I feel sensitive to people's comments, or whatever, I really get worked up thinking that it signifies my either already present or very imminent insanity. I am so sick of being controlled by this fear every single day of my life. I did an EMDR session about my fear of becoming bipolar two days ago and since then the symptoms have only worsened. This does not surprise me but I just want to know... Does anyone else have this constant nagging worry about losing their mind?

Thanks,
Intrasearching

 

[Springer80]

Christ, I wouldn't know where to begin. I couldn't ell you totally that I haven't...apparently, according to my boss anyway when I went off sick, I wasn't handling reality, well that's cos my reality was a wee bit more extreme.

Yes at times I've wanted a labotamy just to stop the whirring....at times I've wondered if I would just stop talking one day from the crushing unspeakable sadness, I've wondered whether Id end up institutionalized?

So far I seem to have fallen through the cracks of these eventualities.

One thing I found helped a lot once I'd done my research....mental illness most of society assumes is in the 'mind' which is a construct, it's not a provable entity and therefore we think of all things metal being under the contol of he intellect, the higher brain. We didn't evolve that way....the brain is an electrical muscle and physiological problems can cause neurological disorder. Your brain is affected by hormones in you body, it freaky cos it's like being driven in a car with no one in the drivers seat.

You've been through a lot, it changes you, ptsd changes everyone who gets it, cos experience shapes you and extreme experience REALLY shapes you.

Don't get me wrong I don't like the fall out from it and don't like peoples misconceptions about it either....just remember its not you is them!! ;) :hug:

 

[PineappleCigar]

Fear of going "crazy" or losing control is a reaction to what you have gone through. Things like bipolar don't just happen all of a sudden.

 

[intrasearching]

I hope you're right. I mean, you're almost definitely right. I have childhood trauma and since my teen years when the anxiety really hit, I have been constantly afraid of losing control. I feel pretty confident that I am not going to randomly die at any moment, but the onset of mental illness seems more likely, considering I have a few relatives that have issues.

When I look at it more objectively, all I ever really have to go on are frightening "what if" thoughts, and catastrophizing analysis of my otherwise ordinary behaviors. I'm constantly on watch and when anxiety hits my system goes into "red alert" and assumes that something must be going wrong. Since I can't identify any issues externally, I typically deduce that the danger must be internal.

Here's to hoping that continued EMDR will help with this fear of mine.

Thanks for the kind input, everyone.

 

[rightkindofme]

Be aware that EMDR is a rocky road. It isn't like every session is sunshine and roses and you feel So Much Better! It is one of those things where you have to dig in and hurt more before you can feel better. Very annoying.

I worry about losing my mind. I feel terrified of developing bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder (I've been 'accused' of having both). For me having PTSD means that I have these issues because of something bad that changed me not because I was just born broken. I'm not saying that my self-explanation is right or kind or appropriate... that's what my nasty inner voice says.

For me the thing that helps that anxiety is sitting down and saying, "Ok. If I *did* have ______ what would I do?" Then I decide if any of those steps would be appropriate for me now whether I have _____ or not. Sometimes I try to change in the direction I would have to change for that disorder and sometimes I get to feel grateful that I am not *that* flavor of broken. Some cups have passed me by. Thank goodness.

I have a lot of control issues. Making coping plans helps me.

 

[missameliorating.]

Hi intrasearching. I read your experience and i am feeling almost the same right now. Lol it is disturbing that i ahve become so hypervigilant about my thoughts. Can we have a support group ? That might make things easier little bit ? Reply if u see this comment.

 

[The Albatross]

I ended up dealing with it by picking vocations where a certain degree of vigilance was an attribute. It leveled me out.