Constant Ongoing Worry Over Something For Months..now I Have To Face It

[lil_fighter]

Met a guy through my youth group - he belonged to another one in my city and was at an event. A couple of months later he asked me out on a date, I went and it seemed ok except I noticed he seemed very jealous which was a bit weird as I didn't know him that well. I noticed he kept shaking uncontrollably around me..I put it down to shyness or awkwardness around girls.

Then '2nd date' I went to his place for lunch - I was naive and went to his room because he shares a place with other people - so his bedroom is the only place where we could watch dvds - which is what he said he wanted to do..but of course I was a bit wary

He asked for a kiss then was very rough with me, like he didn't know to act (no excuse) and I left his place with red marks on my arms and legs, my head hurting from how he pulled my hair, he asked if he could feel my breasts but just went ahead and did it anyway, he held me down a few times and shoved his tongue in my mouth- I jumped straight in the shower when I got home and felt sick, I could smell his sweat on me. I make excuses for people all the time and have developed a very low self esteem since my father has been emotionally abusive towards me since he came into my life when I was 17. The guy showed signs of mental illness or something not quite right he was talking to himself with his eyes closed and turned nasty when he didn't get his own way

I was stupid and even though he turned snappy and hostile towards me, I went home cried and then decided to make yet another excuse for him and thought maybe I should get in touch like nothing happened a week later and not tell anyone about what happened - ashamed. He seemed surprised and relieved and at first was nice but then started ordering me about and being rude - remember he hardly knew me. Yes I have a very embarrassingly low self esteem and allowed him to do it.

After all that and cutting contact, realising that I must be at a seriously low point in my life...I decided to forget it but things got worse and I became very depressed, thought about ending my life and was diagnosed with PTSD. It's 7 months on now and Im still living with PTSD and having therapy.

The issue though..is that my youth group have invited me to go to argentina on a trip and the trip is open to everyone from other groups..Im really anxious about this guy going and if he is I think I'll cut all contact with my group because I dont even want to hear about him and I will tell our leader about what happened and how I dont feel comfortable going but of course I dont know if he's going or not..she's left me a msg about the outcome of my application for the trip and I feel sick, knots in my stomach..what should I do? If he goes..should I go, be confident and ignore him..or is that too risky? If he doesn't go that would be great but I feel sick and have done for months, it's hell

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Lil_fighter- Hugs to you.

I think I would suggest that you bring your concerns to your youth group leader. Open up that line of communication. This gives you support, and understanding with a safe person who is there to look after your best interests. A trip to Argentina- I would not want to miss that. It is just my opinion of course, but I would go. You can discuss options with your group leader as to what do do 'if' this young man chooses to participate in the trip. He may not plan to attend being the type of trip that it is. But it may also be a once in a lifetime opportunity. It would be a shame to miss out on something so wonderful over this obviously whacked out young man. Address your concerns with your group leader and see what she advises.

I am sorry that you have dealt with this. In a way, I hope that if you felt violated as you described that you had the courage to say "no"? Maybe you didn't, just because of how you feel about yourself. I just hope that you are ok, either way. Hugs again.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I recognise the making excuses for people, and your need to go back and pretend that nothing happened. I think both are a way of denying that anything abnormal has occurred, based on a desire for it not to have happened.

I think sometimes it can be best to let your fears come to the surface and listen to them. I don't think I would go on that trip if that guy was going on it. But ofcourse that has to be your choice.

If you feel able to discuss it with the youth group leader, I wonder if they could find out if he is going.

 

[Lionheart]

On behalf of men everywhere, I apologize for this jerk. Not all men are like that and I am sorry that you were treated so abusively. You have obviously done some good work on your self esteem because you sense that it might be best to avoid this character. You shouldn't have to place yourself in a dangerous situation for a group trip, so I echo others sentiments and suggest that you should talk to your group leader and explain the situation.

 

[lil_fighter]

This morning I felt awful, like the anxiety was really taking hold of me...I didn't check the message about the trip until after I had gone out for a jog/run and it was raining, cold and windy but I didn't care I just needed to stop myself from going mad.

In the afternoon, my group leader who had been trying to get hold of me called again..I didn't answer but then checked the messages, she was just asking me to call her. So I did..then she congratulated me and confirmed that I will be going..I then panicked and asked her who else was going because something bad happened last year and I cannot go if they are there..she knows about the PTSD and asked if what happened was linked to that. I said yes and she said "Oh my god!"

Then she asked for the name.. checked on her computer I didn't say but said which group he was from and those few moments of silence were painful...then she said "no..he's not going..he didn't even apply". I was so relieved and thanked her so much but by then I was crying and she then said she'd like to see me to talk about it..she sounded angry, not at me, at him. I thanked her and said "that means everything is going to be ok this year" and she said "yes it is"...best words i've heard in ages

So I went in today after managing to calm down..seven months worth of anxiety just poured out. I went in and the manager was also there to take notes..they listened, they cried gave me tea and cake and they thanked me and said I was really brave. Then they said that they will have to let his group leader know but that they will be there to support me and that it's going to be ok :cry: I felt so emotional but it's a breakthrough and I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so happy and relieved :laugh:

I started therapy two weeks ago and I think it's given me the courage to finally speak up! Amazing

 

[Meadowsweet]

Well done for finding the courage to speak up, and I'm so glad its worked out well for you.

 

[Srain]

You did well to speak up for yourself and possibly for other girls that this guy is doing this to.

Well done!

 

[Lionheart]

Too often we suffer in silence when we could be speaking out against abuse. That is not an easy thing to do for folks like us, but you have done well. Congratulations!!!

Now, go enjoy your trip and have a great time!!! :)

 

[lil_fighter]

Im actually worrying again..the lady I spoke to said she wouldn't email me the report she wrote up at the interview and said that I could go in early to see her before our usual monday night meetings (it will be the first since xmas) but this morning she sent it to me by email and I opened it and had to relive it all again, my name is clearly written on it and every single word I said..even the irrelevant bits :(

then I read on the report that there have been numerous emails back and forth between them and the people who organise the trips and the people are very concerned...so in a matter of hours it seems people have been discussing this and Im worried that it might get back to the guy or that it might have already because of course he will deny it and he may even act offended..it might all kick off and what if he comes to find me or they start believing him..I feel stupid and didn't plan on complaining..it just came out when I was being told about the trip, I cried and obviously they noticed something was up and that's why they invited me in..I didn't expect reports, emails, phone calls all this fuss and panic

It's tough for me to relive this again and also..the worst bit is that the guy is so crafty and puts on such an act..which I told them and they agreed with. This guy works with young people, he does stand up comedy, he makes sure he is out there and that he portrays a good image of himself being jolly and innocent..but he isn't.

Im going to call the co-ordinator to ask her what 'developments' have been made since I met them on friday because from the looks of the report, it has been discussed already with people and they never told me that was going to happen without my consent. Im worried and wish I hadn't said anything..even though I know it was right to speak up.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Lil-fighter- I think that the aftermath of telling what happens to us, is one of the reasons why we do not tell. Your response to them discussing your case is normal. Panic and fear always set in, because of the unknown. Because of having to face it. As sufferers, we often want to sweep it under the rug so as not to be forced to face or re-live it.

But the reality is this. There is a problem with you and this young man. He acted inappropriately towards you. You have spoken up out of concern for yourself. Your youth group leader is not trying to make you feel bad, or deceive you. But the fact is, this young man who is working with young people needs to be seen as a possible threat, because he is. To you and possibly to others. That must be addressed accordingly.

Do not worry about what his defense is if they should approach him. You can only focus on doing what is right for yourself. Focus on you and your well being.

Calling your co-ordinator and inquiring about it might very well be helpful. Discuss your concerns, or even your thoughts and feelings on what has happened since you initially discussed it with your co-ordinator. Communication can go a long way, especially since it seems that she is concerned enough to take it seriously.

I know it is scary, but you should take comfort in the fact that they have your best interest at heart, even if it doesn't look like it. (That part that doesn't look like it, that is just fear talking.)