Sexual Assault Constantly doubting what happened and what i now experience

[-lemurlibs91-]

I've got this constant fear, "what if I'm making it all up?" Like, what if I'm lying to myself and for some reason want it to have happened? What if I don't actually experience flashbacks, what if I just think I do and actually I just want other people to comfort me/give me attention or whatever. What if the reason I won't let anyone look at where I hurt is because there's nothing there at all and I'm not actually in pain after all, I just think I am?

Most of the time it doesn't ring true with reality...like me refusing to talk about it, think about it anything... then suddenly falling down sobbing and silently screaming with unbearable pain inside me and my mind; or sitting totally still unaware that I'm doing it until my partner is shouting at me and shaking me to 'bring me back'; or freezing with fear any time certain words are mentioned (can't write them either); or my intense fear of certain types of people leading me to have panic attacks, me jumping at just about anything, and having a massive sense of disgust in myself and hatred of my body and myself. That's ignoring the visual images I see in my head, physical pain I feel on a daily basis and memories I have.

I'm terrified I've got like Munchausen syndrome or something, with a need to be 'ill' or whatever. I know and feel strongly that I just wish it would all go away, that it hadn't happened and that I was different, but then these waves of fear and doubt come over me. What if it's all an elaborate lie????

And what if I did make it up? That poor guy. Me accusing him of stuff....albeit not to anyone other than one friend, my current longterm partner and my therapist.....but still, how awful. What if I'm a terrible person and he's a good person??

I don't know what I'm looking for...I guess, a place to say this, to try and form a thought process that makes sense (which it doesn't seem to), and to see if anyone has any similar experience or thoughts on this? I'm not asking you to provide facts as to whether it did or didn't happen as I know you can't do that...I'm just looking for something.

 

[Aideun32]

I've got this constant fear, "what if I'm making it all up?" Like, what if I'm lying to myself an...

I feel the same and the same things happen to me, the tricky logic goes like this. "If that didn't happen to me it would be easier to handle." thats the essence of repression.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I could have written your post last fall. And still on occasion. I tend to wonder if it was really as bad as I remember it to be. My "safe" memory, is just that... safe. Who knew rape could be as simple as laying there watching gentle sex from above and then him leaving. My flashbacks paint a very different story. I can feel them, they are terrifying, they are degrading, physically painful, Just this week I came out of a nightmare and had forgotten that I have a family because I still felt like I was 19 and it had just happened. I was reoriented after about 10 minutes.

It is not fun... yet even now, I still question it.

 

[anonymous]

It would be much easier to deal with, I get that...

 

[Joan]

I just want to wrap you up and assure you that what you "know" to be true is so....To tell all those voices in your head to shut up....Try to rest that brain of yours and all those circling thoughts. Take sweet care of yourself.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

It took me over a year to realize that something wrong was done to me after my rape. How did I know something was wrong? I started dating my (now husband) and that's when the panic started. Fast forward five years to marriage. It all starts coming back. Way worse than I remembered it. I tell myself that that can't be real. Nothing bad happened. It wasn't rape. This replays over and over for 12 years. Through nightmares, intrusive thoughts, childbirth, panic attacks, trying to re-enact rape, desiring my husband to beat me etc. Each episode followed by periods of calm. Depression always present. Finally, after 12 years, enough was enough. I had to admit it. Say it out loud. I was raped. Do I still second guess myself? Do I still try to minimize it? Yes. Its two steps forward one step back. For years I felt all the same things you are experiencing @-lemurlibs91-. Don't let it rob you of 18 years before you face it. Even if some of your memories aren't completely accurate, you know the truth. Face it when you're ready but don't let yourself be deceived and miserable.

 

[Aideun32]

It took me over a year to realize that something wrong was done to me after my rape. How did I know...

This post is very akin to my experience .

 

[Bristol]

This is something i am still battling with the fact that i can never ever be totally sure but im hoping it goes away with time and recovery

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

Thank you all. It's so helpful to hear other people's experiences.

It took me over a year to realize that something wrong was done to me..... How did I know something was wrong? I started dating my (now husband) and that's when the panic started. Fast forward five years to marriage. It all starts coming back. Way worse than I remembered it. I tell myself that that can't be real. Nothing bad happened.

This is similar to me - I didn't even realise anything was wrong until about a year after, and that was when I was seeing another guy and it was triggering flashbacks. Now, with my long-term boyfriend, stuff with him doesn't cause flashbacks but it is all present a lot more in my head...more frequent flashbacks for seemingly no good reason, nightmares, dissociation, random sudden crying etc. I was thinking about this yesterday and I guess it's probably a good reflection on my relationship with him - he can see me like that (even though I find that hard), where I've hidden it above all else with other people. I'm trying to start to face it, but I'm basically sh*t scared!

My flashbacks paint a very different story. I can feel them, they are terrifying, they are degrading, physically painful,

So true!!! It's like my feelings and worries don't match up with how my flashbacks are. I'd rather it was how I "choose" to remember it, but my main concern is that nothing happened at all and I'm actually sick in the head by making it up for some twisted reason.

I feel the same and the same things happen to me, the tricky logic goes like this. "If that didn't happen to me it would be easier to handle." thats the essence of repression.

That makes sense...it just feels like right now, I'm not just thinking it didn't happen to me, instead I'm thinking that I'm making it up and I'm somehow trying to persuade myself that I'm experiencing flashbacks etc. when in actual fact I'm not? I know that would be very bizarre and twisted....and everything tells me what I'm experiencing is real during/after I'm having a flashback (unfortunately!!) but in between, I doubt myself and my reality.

@Joan - thank you I really appreciate that. I feel like a child....even though this didn't happen to me as an actual child. Nothing seems to make sense really...

 

[Nyssa]

I am so sorry you are struggling with this too.

Can you see how far-fetched this kind of reasoning can be?

Hang on to what you know to be true !

What helped me was to give a name to that part of me forming this kind of reasoning. It allows to put a distance between him (I decided it was a "he") and me. "He" is wicked smart, and callous. He'll try anything that might work. And it's amazing to see what I am willing to consider as valid points.

 

[NightSky]

Absolutely. I could've written all of this. It's the most difficult part for me, because I often feel I don't have a right to feel the feelings so I stuff them. I have every ptsd symptom times a million and have been told by several very good therapists that It's repression (although my current one always says "you weren't born with these symptoms- something causes them,") while reassuring me that it doesn't matter if the flashes are true. But I get so hung up on whether the flashes are true. If it really happened that way. If it was really that person. Etc. it matters to me. But I'll never know for sure. The other thing is, if it's for attention, why have you told so few people? It's the same with me. I don't want attention for it yet feel like I'm trying to get attention.
It's crazy making
I've been having this internal debate for 18 years. I wish it would stop. All I can tell you is you certainly are not alone.