Constructive vs. Destructive Expressions of Anger

[BassistKara]

I really can't grasp this concept yet, so i'm just putting it out there and see if anyone else is the same!

Yesterday in counselling we got talking about how you can "feel" angry, but have 2 choices when it comes to acting/outwardly expressing it, you can either be destructive(yelling, screaming etc.) or constructive(taking a step back and thinking before you speak and saying things calmly).

The problem i'm having with this entire concept, is that most of my anger comes from being scared. So when i lash out and scream and yell and generally be a bitch, it's to get people to leave me alone coz i'm scared and feel vulnerable, which means i'm going to get hurt, and i equate any type of hurt with the abuse. So its a defence mechanism pretty much.

The problem with that is why would i want to express my anger in the "constructive" way, when that means being calm and actually stating how i feel and think about whatever situation, which means i'm opening myself up which means i'll get hurt, which i equate with the abuse.

I also think that its somehow a waste of feeling something. Because whenever i got angry, it was like a warning light came on because there was potential threats around which made scared and that i needed to destory them to become safe again. So if i suddenly feel angry and it's a warning for me of a threat, why would i act out in a constructive way and make myself willingly vulnerable to whatever the threat may be?
And that angry/scared feeling is obviously there for a reason and is trying to tell me something, so i cant just totally dismiss it. If it didn't have a purpose why would it have even started happening?

I'm well aware though that in order to have a somewhat decent relationship with people i can't just spaz out at them whenever i get angry. I really want to learn how to better control my anger, but i just lack the right sort of skills to even know where to start with this whole destructive vs. constructive thing. I still don't even know if i believe it can be constructive in my counsellors definition sorta way, because the way i see it is it's serving me a purpose, and has worked up until now because i've survived, so therefore it's constructive, as well as however destructive it may be in the long run.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Anger isn't an emotion, it is a response to an emotion. You say that you are scared and vulnerable, and yet you use anger to push people away. Stepping back and looking at HOW you feel is healthier. It allows you to calm down for a second to see and think about what you are feeling.

I would assume that your trauma had you feeling scared and vulnerable?? Possibly even you may have spoke this while being traumatized, or at least felt this??? I think that this is a trigger for you and working through this will eventually help you to deal with this on a healthier level.

 

[ga yankee]

In some ways I agree and others I disagree with your therapist. I think there are 2 other ways to look at it. Personal and social anger maybe. My t tells me it's ok to lose my temper as long as I don't do it outwardly towards others. She says sometimes it's ok to lose your shit but it's all in how you handle it. I took an axe to my phone once after a horrible phone call from my father. It felt awesome!!! And then I felt horrible because I never lose control of myself like that. But my t pointed out I really didn't lose control. I was conscious of my son not seeing it, I used the phone we never use and I was aware of being safe...going outside and being away from everyone. That being said...I think I still need to work on the balance between sticking up for myself in a healthy way and learning to express myself in a healthy way. Pushing people away really doesn't work in the end because to get through all this...you need support. Just my opinion

 

[BassistKara]

She cat, up until now i always thought the only "emotions" i had were anger and depression. I think i also posted something on finding out through trying to do bodywork, that i'm totally disconnected from my "emotions".
As contradictory as being scared and vulnerable but pushing people away is, it's purely because i think i'm going to get hurt, and if i push people away then no one will be there to hurt me. I guess my thinking behind that is loneliness is safer!
Yes you're right about my trauma involving being scared and vulnerable. Repeated rape and molestation and a child will make you feel that! I always knew it was a slight trigger for me, but not the whole basis of my anger.

Yankee, i think thats what i'm worried about too. I guess it's like if i don't spaz out whoever it is, it's like i'm repressing things and not letting them know how i feel, and if i don't tell them(however badly!) it's like they're getting away with whatever set me off. Like you mentioned i need to express myself and stick up for myself in a healthy way, although i wish it wasn't such a hard point to get too!