Controlling Relationships...

[Queen Boudica]

((((Brat17))))) So sorry your daughter is treating you that way.

You deserve to take back your life.

She is an adult and must face the consequences of her behaviour. If she cannot treat you with the respect you deserve, you need to treat her as any other abuser and keep her out of your life, until she learns to respect you and treat you with dignity.

That is so tough, when it is your own daughter, but it is the right thing to do for her as well, she cannot go through life thinking she can treat others in this way, in the end, she will end up a very lonely woman.

Better to lay down the rules and hope she learns from them.

You are important and you should be able to live your life the way you want, not dictated by her selfish whims.

 

[Kintsugi]

I wanted to quickly add a personal experience to show precisely why this situation is so horrifying for me in an effort to underline the seriousness of this behavior, not that it isn't being recognized as a problem. My fiancé's parents are divorced, and this sounds a lot like his little sister's (only 18, but still) relationship with their eternally-giving mother, who has been married to the most wonderful and dedicated man (a social worker for abused/neglected minors!). Through similar behavior as your daughter, she very nearly lied, cried, and stomped her mother into a second divorce in the past few months! Do NOT let this potentially happen to you!

Secondly, I'm glad I moved 12 hours away from my parents or I wouldn't have learned a damn thing. Th nest is made for leaving.

 

[BloomInWinter]

One of the best things a parent can do is allow our children to feel the distress of their choices while the lessons are less painful and with less consequences.

Best she learns now how to get along and be respectful. My best suggestion...allow her to learn from this socially unacceptable behavior before she has invested a hefty sum of money into a condo and the association boots her out for bad behavior, or she has a family who suffers because she hasn't learned how not to make them a target for bad roommates.

Boot her out of the house for good, and the time she used to have to criticize and analyze your life will instead be required to be used for survival. This is a *good* thing because she will learn right away that alienating others causes HER problems.

Don't rescue her any longer. It may seem like it's helping her, but the reality of our 'help' for parasites is like giving money to a gambling addict so they can 'pay off their debt.' A gambling addict doesn't pay off their debt...they use that money to leverage even more debt and end up with worse consequences. Our well-intended efforts then get turned to be used as a tool in their own self-destruction.

My Step-Mom worked two jobs to allow her son to 'have time to focus on his recovery' by not working. All that time he could have been working and being forced to use up his day in survival, he used using. Then, died of an overdose. Now she has to live with her 'help' having been used to destroy himself.

Please, save your energy for yourself and your needs.

She'll find out pretty quickly that she isn't the center of anyone's universe but her own...and it may give her a life worth living. She'll even value it all the more if she is the one who has to build it herself.

 

[mamachick]

MissAntiSunshine-thank you for sharing this painful experience. I agree with the seriousness. Even though I have not re-married, she has stompted, lied and cried during the 2 relationships that I have found it just to difficult to sort out the truth and have lost all hope of dating. (not that they were saints).

Her younger sister and her have no relationship, she married a mormon and is not permitted to see family. However, during the teen years, when this one came in, she would demand her sister gave up the phone, computer, tv or whatever because she needed it. The younger sister came to rely on her bf.

When I caught her drinking as a teen, she turned it around and tried to make me crazy, screaming to her dad that she was afraid of me.

She constantly put down my job and said any moron could do it. I got her a job as receptionist where I worked and she bashed me with employees.

Her father would not sign the papers for me to sell our family home until the past year. Now that he has, I am desperately trying, but the market is bad. Her dad does pay the mortgage (tax write off) in lieu of alimony and past child support (never paid child support for 7 yrs while kids were under 18) which I agreed to. So she would always tell me it is her dads house.

I have allowed myself to become completely trapped here. It is like I have painted myself into a corner. For the last couple of years, I have had the desire to "run away", move away to someplace warmer where I dont feel afraid to do anything.

Bloomin, I know you are right about closing the door and putting the welcome mat in the trash. Yet in her defense, she gets good grades, she doesnt use drugs or indulge in alcohol, and has some really good qualities.

She texted me today but I did not respond. It was unrelated to this incident, just to let me know something. The reason I am not responding is because I think I just need this time to absorb the magnitude of this problem that has been ongoing, accept my own stuff, and let her accept the consequences of her behavior. I have no interest of debating the circumstances with her at this point. I am trying to allow my own feelings and just be present with them.

Thank you all for listening and all of your support. I feel very broken right now.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((brat17)))))

I am sure she is a lovely person with many good qualities. ...and that the pain you are dealing with right now will be behind you soon.

Perhaps she is dealing with her abandonment issues butting up against her independnence and the negativity is just...where the two are colliding? Maybe she just needs affirmation that you'll 'be ok' if she makes the move into adulthood.

Your relationship with her will only get better as you treat yourself with kindness and compassion.

Hoping you can feel good knowing you have already successsfully raised her to be a strong, independent person even if she doesn't yet realize it. Once she does...there will be a giant move forward for you both.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Ah....her dad's house? Now her behavior makes total sense. Loyalty.

...any child would no doubt grapple with the feelings. Gosh...wishing you both comfort as you navigate this turbulent time.

 

[mamachick]

Ya...there is a passive agressive "poor" dad in the picture somewhere. He does whatever she tells him usually. But then he doesnt live with her.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

(((((Brat17)))) I think that if you are taking the time to acknowledge and work through your own feelings, then that is the best thing that you can do. I hate to hear that you feel broken- so many times I (like so many here) have felt just this way. Especially when we are surrounded by circumstances that present so many issues that are so difficult to resolve.

Personally, I would not suggest cutting your daughter off, or out of your life. I think it is easy sometimes for people to read a post and think "No way, get rid of it"- when the majority of them would not do that if they were in your position. But that is so difficult to do, putting yourself in anothers shoes, because we just can not. We can only try and form opinions based on a limited amount of information, and our own judgement/perspective of the problem.

I am sure that your daughter is wonderful. This thread is covering just a small snippet of information about something that she does that is making it truly difficult for you and her to coexist in your home. And that should be your focus- how to function in a healthy relationship with your daughter that makes it possible to coexist.

She is an adult, and she is very lucky to have a mother who is willing to do the things for her that you do indeed do for her. Believe me, I did not have that- not even close, and I wish so hard that I had come from a family that was willing to even help, let alone do for me. She does not realize what she has, and how lucky she is to have it. Being that she is an adult, maybe it wouldn't hurt for you to consider a sit down, so that you can both talk openly and honestly about how you think, feel, etc. and to set the boundaries that you need in your home. She is an adult, there is no reason that she can not engage in an adult conversation, civilized. And it is your home, there is no reason that you need to be told what the rules of your house will be. Take her out to dinner- get out and do something together away from the house, and then afterwards, talk. Just talk.

Talk as long as it takes to work it out, with the thought in mind that you want to make it better for yourself, and for her- because it would be. She needs to know that if she treats people in this manner, controlling them, that she will wind up a very lonely, sad, empty shell of a person- because they will all eventually fail her and will feel the need to get far, far away from her. Controlling people is a form of abuse after all. (Please note- That is not to say that she is "abusive". I am just pointing out that it- controlling a person- can become abusive.)

If you want to help her, which I know that you do, help yourself. Take care of you. Be kind to yourself.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((brat))))))

You can make her leave but still have the healthy adult/child relationship where she lives her own life but calls, visits, and meets you for lunch, tea, movies, shopping, etc.

She can't know you as that adult while she's hurting you both.

Would she be willing to look for her own space? You both deserve space in which 'to be.'

 

[mamachick]

She has her own apartment at college about an hour and half away. Then she keeps a room at my house. She comes home often (her bf lives in my city).
I wont cut her out of my life but I do think she needs to take some time out to think of how she responds to things. Right now, I feel like it would be best if she just stayed at school for a month or so.

 

[BloomInWinter]

That sounds like a healthy, moderate approach.

That is so hard when every conversation, the abuser is a shadow force in the room.

I know every time I speak with my sisters, my dad is there with us in the developmental damage he did to us. I couldn't deal with it at all when he was alive and actively working against us.

Hoping you are doing ok today...

 

[mamachick]

Thank you bloomin, feeling bad but that is to be expected.
My oldest daughter witnessed abuse from her dad, inherited his bi-polar disease, is an active addict and criminal and her children suffer.
My second daughter is the one discussed.
My youngest daughter ran off and married her mormon bf right out of high school and disowns her family

I set out to change the family cycle, and it seems I have not done a very good job.
Yet, the other 2 failures have caused me to let this "abusive" behavior from this daughter continue.
Poor dad-I use to be the strong one, after I thought I recovered from my family of origin, I feel so broken by my own adult children.

I am ashamed of being who I am, I am ashamed at the children I have raised.

What else my daughter was mad about is that I ate 2 pieces of her shrimp out of the refrigerator that she brought home from dinner. I am ashamed for being treated this way, when I know she should be ashamed.

I guess I am really feeling low today. I am so grateful for this support group. Bloomin, you are a blessing, you are always caring and compassionate. Thank you so much. (((hugs)))