Controlling Relationships...

[mamachick]

skog and lizio, I appreciate your kindness and compassion, and also know you are right about this. She is an adult, she is constantly pointing out how right she is. She is an adult when it is convenient.

Further, she has drug her father into this, who has attacked me, and said "why cant you just take someone for their word-it was an accident". He has insisted that she would not lie and would not do this. He has cussed me and hung up on me. He is like a child in not facing reality and doing the parenting.

He never has done any parenting, and that is why we are not together. They are all liars. The people I have lived with and loved most in the world are the biggest liars and deniers in the world. He has backed my childrens bad behavior and buried his head in the sand and watched them take wrong turns. I have believed that the stakes are smaller when the children are younger and we parent with natural consequences. He has undermined all my attempts to do so. ie, if I wont give you a ride to the mall until your jobs are done, dad will. In a year and a half, my daughter will be a lawyer-do you want to hire such a manipulator?

This has created a 3 to 1 position, me being the doormat. I am done. I must be revengeful because I would like to tell my story in divorce court, and I know this does not really happen. Divorce is cut and dry by formula and it doesnt matter. I might have to write a bad book.

I know this is not a rant and rave section and I feel like I have done that and I am sorry. Over the years, I have cut off so much contact and this forum has become my sounding board. I am thankful to all of you . I am so grateful for all the support I have received here and all I have learned. I feel like you are the sane family we all need. Im sorry I babble and during the past couple weeks with this, I realize how I have been hyper focused on this and ignored reading a lot of posts and offering support. Now I need to get back on the horse and be more supportive of others.

The truth is, I have needed to hear what you all have to say, and over and over. When I have heard a bias opinion of those with an interest in getting over on me for the past 8 years, I guess it will take me a while to regain confidence in trusting my own gut and logic. Thank you and ((((hugs))))

 

[mamachick]

I am worried about my GF. Her husband called me today... I gave her my cell phone number last week. Knew it was him as the number was not withheld and he said her surname when he answered the phone. He controls her. Even called the doctor when she was there to make sure she really was there, now he is checking up on her friends too. My guess is, didn't recognise the number and called to see if it was a man. Should I tell her he did this??? I really hope she is ok :(

I agree you should tell your friend. Have you not talked to her in awhile and can you call her to see if she is ok? Why did he answer with her surname? forgive me but not quite following?

 

[Queen Boudica]

(((((Brat17))))) I don't feel like you are ranting and raving at all. It needs to come out. This behaviour by you ex H and your daughter is what has been keeping you down. It is out and out control and abuse.

Yes you need other opinions, ones that do back you up, as you have been continuously exposed to your ex H's and daughter's lies and gaslighting. That is hard to get over.

I can relate to so much that you write. This is happening with me and my ex H. I am the one trying to discipline the kids and get them to behave. He is playing the hard done by guy and the 'reasonable' parent, who 'talks' to them whilst I have put them in timeout for example. He has been undermining me. So I get exactly where you are coming from.

Your ex H had no right to attack you over the phone about this. He is an idiot at best.

You are regaining your confidence now, it will take a long time, but, recognising what they do and how they do it is how it all begins.

 

[mamachick]

Lizio I am sorry you are going through this too, and your children are younger as well, right? I encourage you to be very active and stand up for what you know is right, because there are no do overs in this.

You are very encouraging, thank you so much and (((hugs)))

 

[Queen Boudica]

(((((Brat17))))) Yes, they are 4, 8 and 11. The 11 year old is my real worry. She is daddy's girl and I think she is very angry with me and mixed up.

I am trying. I know there are no do overs. That is what scares me. It's been messed up for so long. I have to get it right. And it is up to me. I have to sort myself out to make sure my kids don't get messed up.

I'm just passing on what I have been learning over the past few months. I need to trust my judgement as well and stand up for myself. Not easy.

 

[Anna]

I agree you should tell your friend. Have you not talked to her in awhile and can you call her to see if she is ok? Why did he answer with her surname? forgive me but not quite following?

They are married so she has his surname to to speak, where I live it is normal to answer the phone saying your surname. This is why I know it was her husband as her surname is not that common.

I will talk to her when I see her again next week.

 

[soulofLC]

((((((Brat17)))))), I am so sorry the check incident turned out as you thought. My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself and seek as much support as you need to get through this, whether here on the site or through groups, therapy, etc. You are not alone.