Controlling Relationships...

[BloomInWinter]

Here's a description from the 'Adult Children of Alcoholics (& other dysfunctional families)' laundry list...

These behaviors form the 'other laundry list' which includes:

1. Becoming a dominant authority figure
2. Victimizing others and projecting blame
3. Fits of rage and cursing
4. Engaged in fighting that goes beyond mere words
5. Stolen merchandise, written bad checks and possibly embezzled money

Source: Link Removed
It is not your fault. She will need to find her way thorough.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

BloomInWinter struck a nerve for me.

THAT is truly love in action. Showing our daughters how to take care of ourselves is a gift our parents didn't/couldn't give us.

This line brought tears to my eyes. That is why I do it, for my kids, but in all honesty mostly for my daughter.

I was willing to take my ex H's crap, his abuse physically and emotionally, I lived under his control 100%. I was a victim of his PTSD, and of him. And when I saw him turn his symptoms on or children, and I saw him breaking them the way that he done to me, I left. I took my kids, and we moved 750+ miles away- and we drove it straight on through. I was willing to accept my ex H's bad behavior towards me as a grown woman capable of deciding to do so, right or wrong, but I was absolutely not willing to watch him give that to my kids.

My children need to know that we can be strong enough to walk away, to change our minds, to fix ourselves. And they need to know how to do it.

She is doing it daily, she is in your thoughts, she is terrorising you daily. She does not have to be there. That is how control works, they don't have to be there standing over you anymore, it is in your psyche.

You deserve better than the abuse that you are suffering. You deserve better than what your ex H has done, and what he still does, and what your daughter enables. You deserve better than this. I am sure your daughter has some lovely qualities, but this quality of hers, her controlling you is not acceptable. It is just not ok. You have a right to decide how to live your own life. You have a right to determine what makes you happy. You have a right to heal, and to trust, and to live, to really live! That is your right. And your daughter has no right at all to try to take that from you.

And canceling that check, what a mind game! What a terrible thing to do to your mother. Not just to any mother, but one that actually cares! My god, I wish that I had a mother that cared. I wish I had a mother who helped. A mother who loved enough to sacrifice for me. You have done your part in taking care of her. You did good. She is in school, and is doing well if she qualifies for any kind of assistance in her finances for her education. And now, she can do well on her own. Let her father be the one to take care of her.

You need to take care of you, and no one else. No one but you. You are what matters now. And you can be happy. You can make choices to be happy. You just have to realize that being happy is still an option. Then realize your choices, and pick them. Make them. Embrace your right to make them!

I actually like the idea of calling the police. If she had done this to anyone else, a business, or her landlord, or anyone else, her butt would be on the line legally to make good on that valid debt. It is fraud to not do so.

Brat, you need strength at a time when you do not feel that you have it. I can not offer strength. I can only say, that to have come this far, you must be strong! Admirably so. You have it in you, even if you don't see it right now. It is still in there. You can do this, and you can be free of this, and happy, and healing. Finally happy. Choose it. Choose to be happy by making choices that will allow you to be happy. Whatever those choices are, make them. Do not choose to keep on with the cycle of allowing the abuse. Or what you have now, this sadness, this is it.

You are worth so much. You are so valuable. You are so wonderful. Please see what I see in you. Because I see that you are worth so much more than this.

 

[soulofLC]

He has undermined all parenting and natural consequences for behavior. I have felt trapped for many years. She is the house watch dog.

Brat, don't give up. As I wrote in an earlier post, I too went through the wringer with my children and their father while they were growing up. Any and everything I did was filtered through him and bounced back to me. My daughter was also the house watch dog.

While it has been a bumpy ride, they have gotten better with age. They realize some of the absurd things that went on were wrong. Son is in mid 30's now, and the oldest is 40.

I won't tell you the damage is entirely gone, but I am learning to set boundaries for myself for protection. Right now, it seems to be helping. And it is certaintly not as bad as it was when they were in their 20's. I moved far, far away to escape it during those years. That time was hard, but necessary for me to survive.

May you have the peace and wisdom to make the decision that is right for you. You deserve to be out of the middle of this. It will sap the life out of you. I am with someone in above post who said get emergency appointment with therapist if possible.

This situation can get better for you. You are not a bad parent; you are struggling with a bad situation. ((((Hugs))))

 

[soulofLC]

PS (((Brat))) If I wasn't afraid of tempting fate, I would write about some of the awful things my kids did in their 20's. But it is too scary to repeat! Let's just say it was really, really bad.

Don't feel alone. It happened to me too.

 

[mamachick]

Thank you for all of your responses and many good points you make.
Legal process would be magistrate court, and while that might prove the truth, it would take more energy that I do not have.

I guess I am feeling that her lack of providing proof is just vailidating my beliefs. It also validates previous suspicions that she has sabatoged me in the past. I do need to take time away from her, at least a year. It will take at least a year away from any abusive and undue critics just to stabilize the situation, in my opinion of how down this has got me. Some things I do think need to be accepted, and any legal action will just fuel the fire-better for me to feel the pain that she will "throw me under the bus" everytime.

I have been nauseated since all of this, first I thought it was the stomach flu, then it returned again with more of her wrath, so the good news is I think I lost 10 pounds. lol

A friend called a bit ago, and is telling me to make a list of things to help myself, and making suggestions to get me out of the house. I know she is right but it is so hard to do when you get to the point you want to just evaporate. Im sorry to say that I dont care about anything. Is it ok to just feel this pain for a bit? I feel like allowing it will motivate me to get off my butt and make changes, but if I try to soon, I will not realize the full magnitude of pain this caused, all over some shrimp and a wet shoe.

Is it ok to just feel it? Or will that cause further depression? Im just not sure what is best.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I think you have to let your feelings come through. But I would discuss this with your T. He should know.

I'm crying an ocean at the moment but at least I will be able to swim freely in that ocean.

You are depressed anyway. You have to start moving up and that will be painful, but it will be worth it to get yourself back.

But talk to your T. He should be able to guide you.

 

[soulofLC]

I think Lizio is smart to recommend T's input re the pain. When I am feeling strong enough, if I sit and let the pain wash over me and feel it, I feel better afterward. But I have to feel strong enough to allow it in, or I can get more depressed. Let your T. be your guide.

I am proud of you for beginning to take this important step to caring for yourself, hard as it is in the beginning. You are lucky to have a friend's input as well. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best through this. Do extra nice things for yourself during this time. Whatever little things can help you along....they add up.

 

[mamachick]

I see my therapist next week so I will ask her about this. I have had real lows and then get angry, have a couple good hours if Im lucky, back to real sadness.

Today I discovered what my heart already told me-she did it deliberately. I talked to the bank and it was the check number, my name, and the amount that was on the stop pmt, not the rental company or amount. Her actions were deliberate as I suspected.

I feel hurt, I feel angry, embarrassed, humiliated, sad, and even a sense of relief. I guess I feel relieved because she makes me think I am imagining things, that my intuition is wrong, that what I see is not real, it has really messed with my head over the years.

Since she will not talk to me, I texted her and told her that the bank confirmed and that I know she lied. She responded with "I lied to prevent further arguement. Im not an adult yet so I sometimes make a bad call. you are an adult and you always make bad calls."

 

[Anna]

I am worried about my GF. Her husband called me today... I gave her my cell phone number last week. Knew it was him as the number was not withheld and he said her surname when he answered the phone. He controls her. Even called the doctor when she was there to make sure she really was there, now he is checking up on her friends too. My guess is, didn't recognise the number and called to see if it was a man. Should I tell her he did this??? I really hope she is ok :(

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Oh Brat. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I truly am. I do not know what to say about it other than what she said to you is extremely unfair and untrue. First of all, she is in fact an adult. Secondly, she is blame shifting. Doing something intentionally to hurt you and then blaming you for her choice in action. That is terrible.

But only you know what is right for you. I am so glad that you will see your therapist. I hope that you will find some comfort in being able to face your thoughts and feelings in a safe environment.

Again, I am so very sorry. :(

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Anna- I can see where you would be concerned about your friend. But I do not see the harm in telling her. If her husband is constantly checking up on her, she will not be surprised by it.

 

[Queen Boudica]

(((((((Brat17))))))) I am so sorry she did that to you.

It is good you confirmed what you knew in your heart. But you did not need to confirm, she is gaslighting you. There are lots of posts about gaslighting. It does make you disbelieve yourself, so you doubt you sanity. That is serious controlling and abuse. You need to learn to retrust your instincts.

I know this and know how you are feeling because it is what my ex H was doing. Making me feel like I was mistaken about things, overly emotional, too sensitive. He would change what he had said or the manner in which he said it, or deny doing something. And then, blame me for being too sensitive. It drives you mad, Makes you think you are always wrong, doubt yourself and, yes, feel crazy.

Even her reply, is designed to blame you. She IS AN ADULT. Her reply is so ridiculous and an out and out lie, yet she expects you to believe it because she knows she has got away with this crap before and if she shouts it loud enough or plays the innocent victim you will give in.

Not anymore, you have woken up to it. Don't let her do that to you.

That's the thing when you have been controlled and gaslighted like this for so long, you believe it when they say or do absolutely ridiculous things, you believe they are right. She is an adult. If arrested she will go to jail. And she should be for cheque fraud.

You don't need to argue with her or defend your position, you know you are right. Keep trusting yourself, you will get better and better at seeing her for who she is. Maybe then she will change but, if she doesn't, it is her loss. You are so much better off cutting her out from your life.