Could I Be Repressing Abuse?

[icouldeatthemoon]

Hi everybody. I am new here and there is something I would like to talk about that I can't talk to anyone else about, and that is why I came here.

A little background: I am 25 and have suffered from terrible depression and anxiety since early childhood. Growing up my parents were never very understanding of my issues. It was very difficult for me, but I sat my mom down when I was 14 and had a conversation with my her about it and how I wanted to maybe get on some medicine, and she told me that I should be able to just get over it. She didn't say I couldn't go to the doctor, but she highly discouraged me and clearly didn't want to be a part of it. Long story short, I only started medicine maybe 3 years ago and it has made an incredible difference in my life. Growing up, my dad always made sure we had that perfect family look, even though our house was always very tense. For the longest time, I thought my parents hated each other because of the way my dad talked to my mom.

The best way to describe the relationship with my dad is difficult. My dad is an asshole, but he is my dad and I do love him. I avidly avoided him in my teenage years because he was so mean to my mom and my sister, and I hated him for it. Nowadays, his temper is better and my sister and I are out of the house, so our relationship is a lot better than it was. But. Every time I try to have a normal conversation with him, he gets all political and serious, making it really hard to just talk. He is very butt-hurt by little things that I do or say, and he will whine like "Oh you don't want to spend time with me anyway." He's always telling my mother that he thinks I don't like him, and when I talk to him on the phone he says I don't call unless I need something from him because I don't like him. It makes it really hard to have a relationship with my father. I do harbor a lot of resentment towards him because of something that happened after I graduated high school, but he doesn't know because confronting him won't change anything..

The problem: Okay but the main thing I want to talk about is the dreams I have been having, which have been occurring off and on for years and are very disturbing.

In the dream I had last night, I am neither child nor adult, and my father comes into my room and lays down with me and starts touching me and undressing me. I don't want it at all and I'm terrified, but I don't stop or fight him and he has sex with me. We are on a bed and he is on top of me and I just lay there with a feeling that probably only someone in that situation could ever fathom. Disgust, terror, humiliation... Some of my dreams are more detailed, but the emotion I feel is the same.

These dreams occur probably once every 2 or 3 months, and they sometimes occur in clusters. I hate them and I try to just forget them, but they keep occurring and now I'm starting to wonder if I have something repressed. I don't want to talk to my boyfriend about this because of how disturbing it is and he already hates my dad for the way he treats me, and I don't think he needs any more fuel, especially if it's just a dream.

Any insight would be helpful. This is the first time I've ever talked about this to anybody... Sorry it is so long :(

 

[WillyKat]

It's a difficult question and no one here on the forum could say for sure about your particular case. I'd recommend seeing a psychologist, one that specializes in treating abuse, and telling them what you've shared with us.

That said, I for one had dissociative amnesia (the term I prefer) for 15 years between age 6 (?) and 21. When I recovered my memories, it wasn't from dreaming. There are thousands of other such cases and is very common in PTSD and other disorders.

Have you had any memories, while awake, of this? Have you spoken with your sister about it?

BTW, you don't have to answer this, but when you got your Rx for the meds, did you discuss any of this?

 

[icouldeatthemoon]

First, thank you for your response :) No I've never discussed this with anyone just because of embarrassment I guess. I have no real memories of this, and I really don't want to think that something like that happened, but these dreams shake me up and I don't function right mentally the whole day. My dad has just always acted so weird around me and he always treated me way better than my sister and mom. I'm not really willing to talk to anybody about it that I know though. I think psychologist might be a good idea for me, I just can't afford it. I don't even have health insurance right now.

I really don't think my dad would do something like this, which is why I have merely brushed it off until now, but why on earth do I keep having these dreams?

 

[WillyKat]

I wish the best for you. I know this is disconcerting and difficult. I should have added that many therapists don't take dreams very seriously, mine included. On the other hand, if it upsets your day and causes distress, then it's something to take seriously.

In any case, if you can arrange for insurance coverage somehow, I'd look into discussing this with a professional.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

From personal experience, I'm going to say that dreams like that are possible without that particular person abusing you in the past. Without further evidence, I wouldn't be so quick to jump to the conclusion that you've been sexually abused.

Sexuality usually involves an aspect of vulnerability so its possible that you feel vulnerable in relation to your dad and your mind is choosing to express it in this manner.

Have you googled dream interpretation? Well, not in terms of molestation (cuz God knows you'd end up with a few out there opinions) rather just in terms of sex. (Some dream interpretation sites aren't all that accurate though, so be sure to find a good one.)

 

[ghotiff]

I'm sorry your dreams are so disruptive. I've been thinking about this and wondering if you have considered how things will or "should" change if you knew you had been abused. For example, keeping your kids away from him or similar cautionary action.

The thing is, if you were not abused you will NEVER know for sure. There is no way to prove the absence of abuse.

With this in mind I recommend taking cautionary action, but other than that I would assume you were not abused and the dreams are saying something else.

Maybe in your future you will recover memories, or learn more, but I would wait until then before digging further.

Your post implies some poor family dynamis that therapy could help with. This is where I would focus your efforts. If therapy is outside of your reach, there are books etc. but without a therapist I would be very cautious about "digging" for potential abuse because you can't prove it didn't happen.

Also, if you have repressed memories, they are repressed for a reason, the mind represses things you are not ready to face.

I hope my post does not come across as dismissive as this is not my intent. These are very difficult issues to deal with. If my post is not helpful, please ignore it. As with all threads I am only commenting on the information you wrote which is only a tiny fraction of the reality you have lived.