Could I Have Ptsd?

[Nya]

I'm 22 and since I turned 14 I noticed there were some things in my past I just could not remember, especially my childhood. When I try to recall my past of some vague memories I have I see a picture in my head of that memory but I can't remember anything clearly. One of the memories is of one of a neighbor doing sexual things to me when I was very little I can't remember how or why it happened and when I try to figure out what was going on my brain won't let me and I'm just sitting there wondering whether what I saw in my memory was real or not.

I know I had a very hard childhood since I wasn't raised but my real parents and my babysitter and her family always abused me physically and emotionally. I was hit with whatever they felt like it; sticks, belts, shoes, tree branches and at one point even though I don't remember it I was told I got the palm of my hand burned into a fire as punishment. As painful as my past could be I feel the need to remember it. I need to understand what happened to me and why I am this way now. I don't know if I suffered any trauma. I have a lot of scars that I don't remember where they came from.

The thing that scares me though is that up till now I never thought that I could have been sexually abused. Whenever I had flashbacks of kids older than me touching me and doing things to me I didn't want to do I always pushed them aside thinking they were just part of my imagination. I am still not sure if they are real or not or if my mind is just over exaggeratting things. How do I now if I was sexually abused as a child?

I have trouble falling asleep. I get irritated easily and suffer from major anger problems. I never show my true feelings. On the other hand, I am a positive person. I do things on my own and am very dependable. I've been taking care of me since I was 15 and now that I'm 22 I have a pretty descent life. However, I feel like great part of my life is missing because of what I can't remember. I haven't been able to date. I don't even see myself in any relationship, having kids or getting married. Could I have PTSD?

 

[franciemarnie]

You certainly could. Either way, please go see a therapist for a diagnosis and help.

And I'm so sorry for what you went thru.

 

[Orglethorp]

wondering whether what I saw in my memory was real or not

This is a common and completely normal thing to experience, even when you have completely memories to access. Since you were a child when these things happened, like I was when I was being abused, I think this might have to do with the fact that children inherently trust other people, and this is evidence that your trust was misplaced. (In no way was that meant to sound like you're at fault, because you aren't!) It took several years of counselling for me before I could accept the memories I have, both complete and incomplete, and acknowledge that these things actually did happen.

I don't know if I suffered any trauma

Abuse is trauma.

I would say that you seem to fit a lot of key criteria for PTSD, just from my perspective. I'm not a professional - just a fellow survivor living with PTSD who studied abnormal psych as a minor in my previous degree. I'm going to go ahead and echo FrancieMarnie and say please go seek therapy/counselling. Even if you're never diagnosed with PTSD, it will help you.

Best wishes with everything. There are always lots of people here to talk to. :)

 

[WillyKat]

What you have described seems reason enough to seek some professional help from a qualified psychologist or other mental health professional, regardless of what diagnosis you end up with. That said, you have suffered abuse and a lot of it and you have some of the classic symptoms. Remember though that the diagnosis is a numeric code in a computer. Every individual has their own set of issues and sometimes those are given a label, called a diagnosis. But your difficulties are still unique.

I can't emphasize enough though that self-diagnosis is not a good solution at all. Also, we here on the forum, while we can give you tons of support, cannot provide you with a diagnosis or therapy.

So please get this checked out with a professional. My advice would be to set up appointments with licensed psychologists that specialize in recovery from abuse. See more than one and pick the one you feel most comfortable with.

Meanwhile, stick around on the forum. We're here to support you regardless of the diagnosis.

 

[just keep swimming]

Hello Nya, I have never been diagnosed with PTSD however, I am waiting for therapy in this area from my own choice. I can relate in some ways with what you say. See if you can find my Introduction thread 'child abuse and drug addiction'. My best to you.

 

[Nya]

Thanks for the advice. However, even if I wanted to take counseling or therapy I don't have insurance to cover for it. Moreover, I don't feel that my life is totally affected by this. It's true I don't remember anything of before I was 10 but I have bern living a descent lyfestile. I'm an independent woman, I am confident and don't have any issues with my selfsteem. My only trouble for now is suffering from immsomnia and trying to remember what it was that happen in my childhood if there really happened something. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my problem. I feel more relieved now that I wrote about it. Thank you!

 

[Orglethorp]

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better about this.

If you do decide that some sort of therapy/counselling is needed in the future, there are less-expensive ways to go about it than you might think. Many universities with counselling degree programs require their students to complete counselling practicums. They have counselling centers on campus that are often open to public appointments for minimal fees.

Personally, I used a service like this for a few years. It was $10/hour. The only major difference I noticed between these sessions and sessions with fully licensed professionals was that there was a camera in the corner of the room streaming the session to a professional who was supervising the student-counselor's sessions in real time. Nothing was permanently recorded, and it was actually beneficial to me as well as to the new counselor, because there were a couple of instances when the counselor and I came to a stale mate because of the way the counselor was handling a situation, and the supervisor (an experienced psychologist) came in to assist.