General Could This Be Ptsd?

[purplerose]

I am really glad I found this forum and I hope it is alright to share my story. It may turn out a bit long but if anyone can help and advice, I would be really grateful because at this point I really don't know what to do and how to deal.

I met my current bf about six months ago, he is a serving Marine. We met while he was preparing for a deployment to Afghanistan, it is the first time I dated a member of the military and I was really cautious at first - you know all the stories one hears... But he seemed just so perfect, clever, polite, attentive, caring about me and all. I felt we were going strong, and after very little time already he was talking about plans for after his deployment - serious plans. I was very much in love and super happy. And then, just after Christmas, it happened. The dates for his pre-deployment training got clear and from one day to the next, he changed. He started saying that I should think long and hard about whether I really wanted to go through the deployment with him, that it would be very tough for me etc. At the same time, we saw each other less, he started hanging out more with his buddies, he texted and called me less often and in general even the way he would communicate with me changed. Where before he would make lots of compliments, suddenly his messages got brief and rather cold. I was worried by this development and we had a number of arguments about it but always managed to somehow patch up.

During his pre-deployment training we kept in touch, and that worked rather well. I resented the gaps in communication but we still got to talk to each other. But as he came back from that mission, he just sent me a text once he got off the plane, a very brief one - and that was that. The next morning I found his phone turned off and him incommunicado for two days. I was worried sick but the kicker was that the same weekend, as I went out with a friend I bumped into him. That was when the PTSD scare actually crept in because he wasn't -- as one might suspect -- there with another girl, he was sitting in the bar with his buddy, a drink in his hand, his IPOD plugged into his ears, and literally with the thousand-yard-stare in his eyes. I was frightened and furious at the same time, and the worst fight ever ensued between us. We managed to partly make up but that was the last time we saw each other before his deployment -- hardly a good pre-condition. When I told him that at times I thought he really did not want to see me anymore, he said that was "not it at all" but that sometimes he needed space, just smash himself with his buddy etc.

Then after that he went back home for a two-week pre-deployment leave. The issue is that he told me he is going through divorce with his wife, according to him she cheated on him repeatedly during two previous deployments. We didn't really talk about where he was going to be and what he was going to do because the wife topic is a bit of an issue between us and I also thought that was a really private matter I didn't want to poke my nose into. He had told me previously that the divorce was going to be settled by June or July, and I decided to leave it at that. But then he went incommunicado for two weeks. I didn't receive a single text, a single phone call, a single mail, and he wasn't online ever. I really thought that was it, I wrote him several mails basically begging him to at least let me know if we were through. And after ten days I got a mail saying that things had gone badly for him while at home, but that I should remember he loved me and missed me.

He was back in town for several days before he ultimately deployed to Afghanistan; we didn't see each other as he was in the barracks and when he got out, he got out only with a bunch of Marines. But we talked on the phone almost every day, I told him all my concerns and he just said this was what was happening during the deployment, that he was sorry, and that it was hard for him too, "having been stabbed in the heart" twice (ie having been cheated on) during previous deployments. He also said that his commitment to me was still valid, and that it was just a lot of other things going on at the moment that stressed and confused him. He also did call me right from the airfield before boarding the plane to Afghanistan.

Now he's been deployed for a month, and we only talked once on Skype. I felt him being detached and brief, he did say he misses me and that his days are very long and exhausting -- but not much detail. And after that, I sent him a couple of e-mails but I never got a reply. I just don't know anymore what to do because everytime I ask him that, if he sees this relationship wouldn't work out or his feelings are gone, just to let me know -- he always says it is not so, and he does get in touch at some point or says things to reassure me. But then it seems he totally forgets about me, doesn't contact me etc. One of the worst things he said to me recently was that he discovered he was actually better when he felt miserable because once he hits bottom, there is nowhere further to fall, whereas each time he is happy, disappointment surely awaits.

I do understand that deployment is a very tough situation for him and I am trying to give him a lot of credit for getting in touch at all every now and then. But at the same time, I feel so badly hurt and rejected. I promised him that I would wait, and that I would not give up on the relationship while he was deployed, but clearly I did not expect things to be so difficult and him to change so much. And then of course, though a friend social worker who has been working with veterans told me for her it all looks like PTSD, I am still thinking at times he is just taking me for a ride. Though at the same time I do not see any sense at all in him dragging me along if it all means nothing to him. Can you advice? Right now I am getting increasing health problems myself from worrying and stressing all the time, and I feel I am not properly functioning in my job either. I am wondering what I could do, just break up or take a time-out or try to make the best of it and not to take it personal? I really have no idea :(

 

[Bilby]

I'm not sure there's anything in what you've described that indicates PTSD?

 

[amethist]

Apart from hearing that a guy is struggling with relationships because of being cheated on in the past, there is nothing that points to him having PTSD.

I think you may have to let this one go, as he has issues that he needs to deal with on his own.

 

[purplerose]

Well I am not sure, that is one reason I am posting here. There were some issues while we were still physically together, for instance his constant jumpiness (that got worse closer to the deployment), sleep disturbances with nightmares and waking up in jolts, then him constantly feeling exhausted and being very negative about the Marine Corps and the upcoming deployment by making reference to previous deployments.

I was at first simply assuming that he wasn't serious with me and that he used the deployment as an "excuse" to let the relationship peter out but in between phases of detachment and being emotionally numb, he would seek contact with me and talk about raising his child together and the values that were important in that for him.

He also gave some indication that he's been through some post-deployment therapy, he mentioned yoga and meditation and then there was the peculiar way of him timing his drinks - not more than one drink per hour when we were out. As I said, I talked it through with a lady who is a social worker specializing in military couples, and she is the one who alerted me to PTSD after I told her about the way we encountered each other in a bar. I dismissed it for quite a while but when I did start reading books on PTSD in war veterans, just on every other page things sounded so familiar to me.

 

[ashton13]

I've been dating my Marine for three years almost. It's a difficult job for both parties. If you're seriously having doubts, then do both of yourselves a favor and break-up. He will always try to be the silent, but strong one. The fact that he's being distant doesn't mean he doesn't want the relationship to work. He just has a lot on his plate. You need to be patient if you want this to work.

He has chosen a profession where he will see his friends die. He may have to shoot another human being so that he lives. His training is supposed to make him desensitized to the destruction of life, but he's a human being. These are the facts. This is what you need to take into consideration.

He probably has years left on his contract. He may get deployed again. He may decide to reenlist. He may get injured. If you know that you can't be there for that, that's ok. It's a huge commitment. It's up to you to decide. He's already made his decision. He's already thought this through.

If you stay with him, you make the conscious decision to accept a certain lack of control, to make a silent vow to stand by him no matter what happens. Semper Fidelus.

If you decide that this is all too much for you, that's ok too. You have to do what is best for you. Make a decision and don't look back. I hope this helps.

Ashton

 

[purplerose]

Thank you so much for your reply, Ashton. You did make me think about my choices, and whether after all it is I who has not fully made her decision yet, whether or not to go through all this with him, the deployments, the lack of communication, the risks involved, and inevitably the burdens he is going to come home with. He's been telling me right away that his career is with the Marine Corps, and that for me that would mean a certain lack of control over my life -- and a lot of waiting.

I had not figured out the part about his personality changing (as I see it; he says that is just him under pressure) and there are moments when the look on his face or the things he lets slip frighten me. I do sometimes feel that he is staying away from me on purpose, and that hurts. But I realize I have seen the facade crumble at the times when he laid his doubts and worries down at my feet (about the relationship, about the deployment) and I guess that is not what he needs right now as he goes into a dangerous and stressful deployment.

I suppose I am listening too much to people without experience in relationships involving the military and that makes me judge his behavior as "weird" and not fair toward me. I am also scared about the possible PTSD (IF that is a possibility) because I wouldn't know how to address this topic with him and how best to behave. He used to be strong in rationalizing his behavior, and did tell me at some point that he often "shuts down" emotionally when he tries to find inner peace, that this is nothing against me personally. But lately silence has taken over, and it does feel as if we are both suffering individually.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Nobody here can say if he has PTSD or not. Even to advise one way or the other would be irresponsible. Right now you're just throwing darts in the dark hoping for some sort of comforting answer. Really, all you can do right now is accept the fact that he's deployed and communication will be limited.

I don't see PTSD either from what you describe. The guy is going thru a divorce where he was cheated on twice. For all anyone knows, he didn't want to become attached to you and have it happen a third time. I see this scenario explaining a lot of his behavior.

 

[purplerose]

ScaredOfLonely, thanks for your reply, I hear what you are saying and I obviously agree that I am looking for an answer to explain behavior that is hard for me to understand. If that is a comforting answer, I don't know -- I may rather wish that he is "only" troubled by the divorce and the deployment because I don't fancy being with someone with PTSD to be an easy thing. So it's not like I am saying, hey wait, I hope all his acting "strange" is due to the PTSD, so it's not about me or him just being a jerk (pardon the language) but I can sleep well now knowing that he has a serious condition that will make any relationship excessively hard to sustain. That would be quite stupid.

Having said that, yeah I can understand the fear that may come with attachment particularly in his situation but then again it always takes two to tango. So it's not like me having dragged a person into anything unwillingly, we both wanted what we had with each other and that seemed to have been a reason to talk about plans for the future as we did. But knowing that makes it hard to tolerate and understand then how the other person quite suddenly seems to change their mind and drift away, comes back again, detaches again. That is hard to deal with and it stresses me a lot. The best answer I could get for my question would be, indeed, that is just the situation he is in, and then to try to develop a better understanding of why it happens!