Countdown To Therapy- Nervous!

[angel2write]

Yesterday, I bit the bullet and did it. I called and made an appointment with a counselor for the first time in over ten years.

Now all I have to do is live through the stress until appointment day!!

This time I was brave enough to ask if anyone at the center specialized in childhood sexual abuse trauma. I had a hard time getting the words out, but the receptionist was really, really nice and helped me. She volunteered the information that this person also has experience with PTSD connected with sexual abuse, and that she had also worked with people on the military base in town. I felt good to hear that. She also does the EDMR (or whatever it is- I'm not familiar with it, but I've seen it mentioned on this site.)

I managed to express to the receptionist that I needed to have some contact with the person before I came into the office (it was horribly hard to say "I need..." and ask for something.) I asked if I could leave my email and if the T could possibly email me. She said she was sure the T would be glad to do that.

I like the idea of getting to "talk" a little before I have to walk into that office cold.

Ended up sobbing all over my husband's shirt last night, but managed to calm down enough to get to sleep. My littlest child is sick- running a high fever through most of the night. I'm tired, but we took turns caring for him, and I feel ok today.

T minus 7 days and counting.

 

[amethist]

Well done you angel.

You made the biggest step yesterday, still lots more to take, but they will eventually become easier. Make every step forward baby steps, add in micro ones if you have to, but keep taking them.

If you think you may find it hard to speak face to face with the therapist at your first meeting, write some bits down and give it to her to read.

Give your little one an extra hug, because his mum is doing just fine. x x x

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

Good luck with your therapy appointment angel2write as well as congratulations on taking what could only be considered a huge step.

Hope your little one's fever passes quickly.

 

[angel2write]

I feel sick, I feel very unsafe, and I really, really, really don't want to do this. Question: why did talking to someone seem like a good idea yesterday? When has talking to someone ever helped before? Yeah- maybe this person will be smart enough to figure out that I am NOT schizophrenic, and that I am not depressed, but what exactly are they supposed to do for me anyhow?

Talking to a counselor is like walking into a doctor's office with a live piranha hanging off my hand. I say, "Help! I have a carnivorous fish chewing on me!" and the counselor pulls down their glasses, picks up a notebook and pen and says, "So tell me... how do you feel about that?"

I have tried eating lunch, watching TV and knitting, but I'm still climbing the walls. I'm going to go for a nice, long WALK, and when I come back maybe I will feel less like ripping the paneling off the walls with my teeth.

I just deleted about half of this post because it was too angry. I can't believe I'm this mad about this stuff. Going for my walk.

 

[ronin47]

I'm so very proud of you. I know that feeling of just saying the words "sexual abuse," and it's definately not a good one. It's difficult, it really is, taking that first step. Remember, it's not only perfectly fine but normal to feel nervous during that first meeting. I remember when I had my first appointment with a new therapist after just 6 months since my last one I was a nervous wreck. For the first few weeks of seeing him I actually considered not eating on the days I saw him until after the appointment because I would be sitting in the waiting room feeling like I was about to vomit I was so nervous. But it was definately worth it. And from what you're describing so far it sounds like you've picked a place that will be very supportive and understanding. I will be praying your first session goes well!

 

[Nicolette]

If therapy is working for you, a good sign is that you will actually regress before improving as regressing often is a sign of delving into issues/fears which have been shoved down/away. Hang in there and see how you feel in a couple of days.

 

[ronin47]

I feel sick, I feel very unsafe, and I really, really, really don't want to do this. Question: why did talking to someone seem like a good idea yesterday? When has talking to someone ever helped before? Yeah- maybe this person will be smart enough to figure out that I am NOT schizophrenic, and that I am not depressed, but what exactly are they supposed to do for me anyhow?

Deep breath honey. As I said before, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. You're going to meet someone completely new with an implicit, though not necessarily accurate, expectation of sharing your innermost feelings with that person. I went through a string of counselors who I felt listened to themselves more than me before I finally walked into my University Wellness Center and found a community of mental health professionals who actually cared enough to take the time and had the expertise to figure out what was actually wrong with me. Once they figured out what was actually broken, they were very effective at fixing it.

I know it seems hopeless, but good therapists are out there, you just have to find them. May I ask if the person you are seeing is a psychologist? Clinical psychologists, in my experience, are a safer bet than nurses, MFTs, etc.

Talking to a counselor is like walking into a doctor's office with a live piranha hanging off my hand. I say, "Help! I have a carnivorous fish chewing on me!" and the counselor pulls down their glasses, picks up a notebook and pen and says, "So tell me... how do you feel about that?"

Oh my gosh, I can relate to that feeling so much it's not even funny.

Especially when I was in the psychiatric ward. That first morning, I was lying there on a hospital-type bed, still weak from overdosing on asprin, trying to convince myself it was all just a bad dream, feeling humiliated I was back in here again, feeling defeated because I knew I was going to get kicked out of school for this, and having major disassociation, then this nurse walks in with a very buisnesslike demeanor, stands at the end of the bed, pulls out a clipboard and pen, and literally says, "So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your mood today?"

If you feel comfortable doing so, express that to your new therapist when you meet him/her. Explain to him the frustrations you've been having with other counselors. Use the exact same analogy you used above, I thought it was very clever and descriptive.

I have tried eating lunch, watching TV and knitting, but I'm still climbing the walls. I'm going to go for a nice, long WALK, and when I come back maybe I will feel less like ripping the paneling off the walls with my teeth.

I just deleted about half of this post because it was too angry. I can't believe I'm this mad about this stuff. Going for my walk.

Good for you! You're managing, you're doing things to help control your anxiety. I hope it's a very nice walk. I'm actually going in for my weekly therapy session in less than an hour. Message me and let me know how yours goes!

Wishing you luck!

 

[Lucycat]

Well done for taking that step.
Yes, therapy is not easy. But then I can't think of any treatment that is - even for physical illnesses.

You are doing this because you want to feel better and take control of your life. That is huge.

The days will go soon enough and you will be looking back on that first session, ready to give advice on here to the next one dreading their first appointment.

Good Luck, we all know how it feels!

 

[Heather]

UGH! Angel I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same thing right now. I am starting EMDR. Me and my bright ideas! I really don't want to do it as I'm petrified of what it will stir up but my therapist said too bad I have to do it whether I want to or not.

to him.

It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing. Take a deep breath and be proud of yourself! This sh*t is not easy. Just go slow in the beginning, build up the trust between you two and keep reminding yourself that you are safe now and to remain as "present" as possible! I know for me that's the hardest part to remember when dealing with all this crap.

Take care of yourself. Hugs. Heather

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Good luck, Angel!

I love my EMDR therapist, and have been amazed at how creative and healing the experience can be.
A lot of time is usually spent in the beginning, creating safety, so you don't even really dip into the trauma until you have some skills to deal with it.

Your T sounds like she's going to, hopefully, be a good match for you.

Congratulations on setting up your first appointment, that was a tremendous step toward healing!
You're courageous ((((((((((((Angel)))))))))))!
Love,
Deer

 

[Nighthawk]

Yes this is a big step and not an easy one to say the least.

congratulations

NH

 

[Vcircle]

Angel - I am so the same as you. One day I feel like YEP, i need help I am going to do it and the next time the bad brain takes over and wants to sabotage everything.

You are very brave and I commend you and admire you for making that phone call. Thank you for sharing that.

I need to find that same level of your courage and I really need to do the same thing. I know that that horrible can of worms will be opened and I know I will regress. that is the bit I am not wanting to do.

Good on you.