CPTSD And Bulimia?

[James B.]

Yes, Lucycat - thanks for starting this thread.

My low self esteem may be rooted in my subconscious. It may stem from my profund loss as a child, and having my worthlessness repeatedly bludgeoned into me, and becoming a 'core-belief'.

If I were going to write the letter today, I might try to do it in three succinct paragraphs. One in each perspective, including the third. Just seems more thorough to me, and am planning this for when I relinquish nicotine.

BTW, just a thought, not to pick at your words or be overly 'pendantic' - noboby is going to take this (bulimia) coping mechanism away from you, it really is up to you to 'let it go' in your own time, and in your own way...

I would try to quit, and it would just intensify too. Am not really sure I would even call my bulimia a 'coping mechanism'? Maybe not sure what I'd call it, goingonhope can probably articulate this one better...

Also, I wouldn't always binge and purge, often just purge regular meals.

Take care Lucycat, best wishes.
James B.

 

[Monarch]

follow your instincts and talk about it when you are ready, no one is going to force you to do anything. It is always about control isn't it, sucks! I am trying really hard to eat the right things and not eat too much. These new meds I am on are helping, the Prozac helps with OCD and has been used to treat eating disorders and I am also on Wellbutrin which helps with appetite and energy levels. It would be much harder to control and talk about without the meds so I am thankful for the help. I have not binged in over a month now and have no desire to as well, I like it. This is going to sound sick but I envied people who could throwup their food, I would just binge and have to lay down like I wanted to die every time. I tried to purge, I could stick my whole fist down my throat and never throwup, it just wouldn't happen, tried and tried. Tried laxatives and that went horrible a few times and gave that up so I just gained and gained. ugh...done talking about it, makes me angry at myself.

 

[anni]

I do hope your T comes back very soon. Mine retired VERY suddenly, and I 'lost' 15 pounds like an idiot. No, I don't actually like any of my warts very much as of yet. :) You sound as if you have a seriously good grasp on things, however, so if this thread is making things worse perhaps in this case some avoidance of it until your T returns would be helpful. It could be one of the few cases where the 'A' word is a positive reaction. :)

 

[James B.]

In the years following letting go of bulimia, my 'follow up work' if you will, began at the market. I had to *not buy* any snack foods, no bags of chips, no big jars of peanut butter, jelly, and no loaves of bread. Nothing that I could just sit there and eat, without preperation. No 'value packs' of muffins, no way. Hey, I used to binge/purge on toast and butter!

If food is too salty (chips, peanut butter) I will binge, if food is too sweet, same thing. Turns out, this was really a good thing. Since I knew I still had the tendency, if opening the refrigerator door revealed no 'binge material' then there was one less thing in my life to tempt me.

I quit bulimia in 1990, and have not binge/purged, or deliberatly purged a normal meal since. That is a fact. No exceptions, no exageration.

My post bulimic habits rolled into a better study of diet, I experimented with food over the years, eg: the best meal for driving 2 hours. The best meal for an active hike. The best pre-work out foods. And also, the best types of foods post "work out" or, at the end of the day.

Between 2003 and 2007, I put on a lot of weight, I became sedentary, a 'computer nerd' because my job was live-in staff, and paid almost nothing, so I had to eat the food there to survive. Still, I didn't care if I put on weight, but finally got disgusted and went on a fitness campaign. What I learned from commiting to getting my fitness back, changed my diet, and my life, again.

All I can say is, this process of using myself as a 'human test tube' continues today and I am sure glad I found out some personal truths about food that works for me, and foods that don't.

 

[goingonhope]

I don't exactly feel certain that I should be sharing this here or not; On the other hand it is a thread on CPtsd and Bulimia, so I'm going to risk it and do hope it's not offensive and is alright to do.

I was allowed to stop bingeing and purging daily 14-18x+ per day sometime in 1990 after I nearly died from an overdose of pills. I'd taken those pills in the logic that I'd be in such a mood altered state that I'd be able to approach my mother and beg her once again for help in getting me help for my eating disorder and its unmanageability and while not being yelled and screamed at that, all I wanted was her f'n attention.

I'd figured approaching her and asking her to help me was a risk that required desperate measures to be taken first, because otherwise it was too threatening based upon my prior experience. I accidentally ended up overdosed and never made it downstairs and to the other room.

............Afterwards, I made a commitment to myself that I would put all my starving/bingeing/vomiting efforts into drink and if things must be out-of-complete-control, I'd at the very least die doing something I enjoyed doing, ......drinking more instead.

Naturally this coping mechnisim of substitution was unsuccessful and I hit many an emotional bottom with drink and with a great deal of losses.

Also, when I committed to fighting to stop bingeing and vomiting, at all costs, I unconsciously started substituting with smoking regularly; A first for me then. I had hated cigg's before this and couldn't stomach smokers smoking anywheres near me. It took no time for me to become addicted to cigg's, and 99% of the urge to binge and vomit dropped away.

After I'd arrived at what I'd very much desired, ....little to no appetite again,.... soon afterwards I remained very thin for years, yet without vomiting. Often though, I was in tremendous emotional and psyche' pain and ended up in lots of scary bad situations. My self-esteem back then was low, suffered way too much unmerciful self-judgement / guilt / and shame. The ability to trust myself over others when needing to do so was next to impossible.

Then in the mid 90's just about, I started therapy for trauma twice weekly, for a straight 2 1/2 yrs., and this helped much. This is when I first felt enough hope that maybe life was worth living and I really started to fight for my life and this time had a few supportive people helping me.

I tried to stay stopped drinking then forever, and meanwhile made daily commitments to myself to learn something of eating healthy because my appetite had returned and I desperately wanted to overeat. I thought that certain foods I could binge on all day if the need be, and by then not fear terribly that I'd become obese, so I started regularly preparing enormous amounts of salads / tuna / orange wedges / fish / chicken breast, etc. .....all fresh produce and some healthier proteins. That became my way out and away from bingeing and vomiting uncontrollably; At least the part about surrendering the idea of ever wanting to be on a diet again and instead discovering what foods I could eat all I wanted to of, was very successful.

 

[goingonhope]

I understand your comment that it is an 'Illusion' of being in control. I guess I had been out of control for so long that I had never realised it until I hit the depths in December,

Hi Lucycat, you started this thread, and please pardon me for speaking for others here, as well as myself, but I'm guessing that others too, would like to know how you're? How are you? How are you doing with this? ...and with all that you've been dealing with?


Lucycat, I'll be thinking of you, and wanting the best for you.


Hope

 

[James B.]

Me too, Lucycat - thanks again Hope.

My little web searches relating to bulimia/OCD revealed mixed results. It (seems like) the various sources weren't completely certain to class bulimia as an OCD.
That's just what I came accross, might be wrong.

One source felt that when and OCD/bulimia triat ended, it picked up or manifested as another type of OCD (related) behaviour. Well, ok - when I left bulimia, I even moved to a town known for outdoor sports and fitness. I got obsessed and became compulsive in my training. Was is a "disorder?" Well, I had a lot of company, and, as Bruce Lee said: "Action Equals Self Esteem" - BUT, I was still running from 'root'. And root for me = Trauma.

My running probably deepened my anxiety disorder, and put me further from being able to effectively heal my trauma. By the time I hit my early 40's, my body was wearing out, my self medicating wasn't working, my stress was all over the map, and I was crumbling inside.

For me, running from 'root' (trauma) was a very costly and very serious mistake and I own it. Not beating myself up here - simple fact.

 

[Lucycat]

Thanks folks. I'm doing fine, managing to'hang in there', waiting for my T. to return. I think Anni's advice about avoiding this forum for a wee while is a very valid one, so forgive me if I go quiet for a week or so. Actually I am going on holiday on Sunday to a remote Island with no internet access so that will do just perfect!!

The downside of the holiday is that it will mean eating out- and that has always been a problem for me, not the actual eating you understand, but the urge that I know will follow. Still I will do what I can, and try to feel positive that on my return I will be able to get this out in the open and deal with it. At last.

So, thanks for all the advice and encouragement. I will post again on my return.

Bets Wishes,
Lucy x

 

[James B.]

Thanks for checking in Lucycat. :-)

Really liked goingonhope's post upthread how, after her extensive therapy, she began to have some hope, felt life was worth living, and really began to *fight for her life*. To me, IMO, that *is* the spirit. Thanks again Hope.

And thanks to you, Lucycat, for starting this thread.
Take care, good luck, and have fun.
James B.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi,

I am pleased to say that we had a fantastic holiday despite a somewhat anxiety provoking start! Our journey was supposed to be a 5 hour ferry crossing. Due to technical problems this was then to be 6 hours, but the weather took over and the ferry was cancelled altogether. All other ferries for the entire week were fully booked so we had to take an alternative route. This became a tour of 9 islands over 12 hours, finally reaching our destination 24 hours late. But we got there and then had fantastic weather for most of the time we were away.

We had my husband's son and family with us. The 2 wee boys loved the beaches, and it was sand castles and kite flying all the way. Great fun and I managed to forget all my troubles for a while. I was so relaxed that I was able to reduce my medication. Everything seemed unreal.

I have not vomited now for 10 days. I twice felt the need while we were away, but resisted and stayed strong. To be honest this was in part due to not having the opportunity without being discovered. But whatever the reason I feel this is something to build on.

In passing I saw my T. socially last night so I know he is back from his holiday too. I expect to hear from him this week, with an appointment for a 'session'. I almost feel that I have cracked this problem already and don't need to tell him, but I also know that, in reality ,now that I am back home and he will drag out some more memories I have not sorted 15 years plus of vomiting in one good week. I WILL tell him, but will feel better telling him that I have already started dealing with it.

I hope everyone else has had just as good a week as I have. I want you all to know that it is your advice and comments that kept me strong through the past week.

best Wishes to all,

Lucy x

 

[Lucycat]

Well, I have an appointment to see my T. tomorrrow evening. I have already told him there is something bugging me that I need to talk about. I hope this means I will not be able to bottle out of the discussion.

This week has not been good, as it has been quite stressful with a big family wedding where I have had to fend off lots of uncomfortable questions by kind hearted and well meaning folk who have no idea of the reality of my life situation. Still I am proud of myself for not resorting to alcohol as a way out. But why is it that people try to force you to have an alcoholic drink when you are trying so hard to stay sober? I did not want to be a party pooper, but I knew that if I had a single drink it would lead to another until I did not care any more. It was hard work, and I was almost tempted to shout out that I'm an alcoholic ( which I'm not) just to shut them up. I tried the excuse that I'm on medication which does not allow alcohol, but the response was that just one will not do any harm - like they know better than my doctor? Anyway I got through.

So back to tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. I am sure T. will not be shocked, and if he is he will not show it. I guess he has seen and heard it all before. I thinkI am fearing the 'you should know better' reaction, or advice that I should tell my husband which I really don't want to do. Oh tomorrow is going to be such a long day...

 

[goingonhope]

Hi Lucycat, Well you didn't do any shouting out, nor giving into the pressure of having a drink to simply please or shut anyone up. And, I bet really you weren't a party pooper either simply because you didn't choose to have a drink.

Instead it sounds like you were responsible at the wedding and have planned to again be so tommorrow. Well done. Perhaps not entirely a bad week for you ..?..

Sometimes, very good things can and do come alive and are even born following stressors / stress; Sometimes it's character, sometimes it's that and more.

BTW, I was very happy that your vacation went so well, as did you during it. I almost responded to that post but the interruptions at home prevented me from really doing so. It was a wonderful post though to read. ~ Much good news of you having some great fun!

Hope