CPTSD And Bulimia?

[Lucycat]

Thanks Goingonhope. Yes, I guess you are right. It's easy to look at and pick out the bad bits of the week. I should know better - I have just read the book, Bhudda's Brain and that is so much about positive thinking and positive mental attitude. It helps when someone else - such as yourself- gives a gentle reminder!

I had a session with my T. this evening, and told him all about my longstanding problems with vomiting. At first he said he would have to run this one by the Psychiatrist, but after more thought and some delving into my upbringing in relation to food we did an EMDR session. As a child I was forced to sit at the table until my plate was clear. This was despite the fact I was an obese child and was then after the meal, sometimes made to go outside to exercise. Skipping was a favourite with my parents, but whatever I was made to do I had to do it until they said I could stop. Its only now as an adult I can see how crazy this was. Another part of the controlling/controlled upbringing that led me to be here with C-PTSD.

So my T. is still going to further discuss with the P. to check his instinct is right, and he'll phone and visit next week.

He said I was right not to discuss this with my very dear friend or my husband. I NEED to remain in control of how we, together, deal with it. It IS a control mechanism. As a child I had no control over what I ate. Now I do - most of the time- but if I feel that I lose control then the urge to vomit arises. This makes perfect sense to me. I hope the EMDR session works. The many other sessions I have had have certainly been worthwhile, although once or twice we have had to go back and revisit/ redo a session. I absolutely hate EMDR. I hate the headphones. When he walks in with them my heart sinks. But for me, certainly so far, it works. I approach it the same way I would a needle. A little bit of pain, for a lifetime of 'protection' such as with an immunisation!

Watch this space.....

 

[BrownEyes]

Hi Lucycat,

I've been lurking and reading this thread with interest because I've just been recently diagnosed with bulimia myself. And surprising as it sounds, I'm still having a hard time believing it's true. I also have C-PTSD, and I can relate to so much of what you and others have written in this thread. I have a hard time talking about all this stuff, but after reading what everyone has said, I felt that I had to write something.

I am very pleased that you got along so well while you were on vacation. I'm on vacation right now and we're away from home for a month, and it's been so stressful for me not being able to restrict and/or purge when I want to. Getting back to my routine with food is something that I'm looking forward to. So I totally commend you on being so strong and for coping so well on your holidays.

Did you have trouble accepting your bulimia diagnosis? I know it sounds strange, but I feel that since I can actually force myself to not do it, then I must not truly be bulimic. And part of me is just saying that I'm in denial over it. I just don't know.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I can understand where you're coming from, and I want to encourage you to keep up the good work you're doing.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi BrownEyes,

Lovely to hear from you. Its good to know there are others out there treading the same road.

I don't have a formal diagnosis of Bulimia. In fact having read up on other sites since I started this thread I think it is less likely as I don't binge eat, and that seems to be an important aspect for diagnosis. I have read of 'purge disorder' and think that is probably more appropriate although I am not clear if it is a recognised disorder. I am more inclined to put it down as another 'symptom' of my C-PTSD. My T. last night, described it as Self Harm, which did rather shock me:dontknow:.

I entirely understand what you say about holidays not allowing you to control your eating/purging. From this evening my sister in law will be staying for a few days. It has the same effect. I will be expected to cook and eat at regular intervals. Left to my own devices I frequently miss meals. I only want to eat if I am hungry - not because the clock says it is Dinner O'Clock!

I slept like a dream last night:smile:. It is amazing just how shattered EMDR makes you feel - and I overslept this morning. But no big deal, I did not have to rush into work or anything. Today I have a strange sense of calm over me. I know just by sharing with my T. I have a huge weight off my shoulders. Unusually my husband asked what we'd discussed in therapy yesterday. I could not/ would not tell him and he felt shut out. However I have not discussed the content of most sessions, and he has not wanted to know.

BrownEyes, following your diagnosis what treatment/therapy has been recommended or suggested? I do hope you are able to enjoy your holidays despite the restrictions? Where in the world are you for this glorious month?

Best wishes to all,
Lucy

 

[BrownEyes]

Hi Lucycat,

I'm spending a month in Florida with my husband and my thirteen year old daughter. We rent a beautiful house with a private pool and it truly is wonderful. We've been doing it each year for the past few years now, and we are so blessed to be able to do this.

I do find it like a rollercoaster though in many ways. My anxiety fluctuates a lot. Travelling always makes me so anxious, but I can be stubborn at times and I refuse to let it hold me back from doing things. And that sometimes causes it all to escalate through the roof. And not being able to restrict my food and/or purge when I want to really adds to my anxiety.

I was diagnosed about a month ago and I don't really know why it was labelled as bulimia. I don't binge either. I restrict a lot, and then when I eat, I feel like I need to purge it. But I don't binge. I also exercise a lot to burn off the calories that I eat. I'm comfortable with eating a certain amount of calories, but if I go over that, then I feel like I need to exercise a lot and/or purge.

I told all this to my T, and he still said it was bulimia. He talked to me about the dangers of it all, and that actually increased my anxiety. But not enough to stop. We spent one session with him giving me information on it, and then we haven't really discussed it directly after that. But I've only had about two sessions after that anyway, and then I left on holidays. So we'll see what happens when I start seeing him again after my vacation.

I see that you're doing EMDR. I've read about it, but I've never had it done. It sounds like it really seems to work for you, so I hope you continue to make good progress with it.

I give you a lot of credit for having your sister in law stay with you. I would never be able to do that. My home is my safe place and I can't have anyone in that space. My anxiety would be unbearable. So good for you for being able to do that. I can understand the stress of having to be on a timetable for eating.

I also understand how hard it can be when your husband asks about a session. I just recently told my husband I have a "food issue", and that I've discussed it with my T. My husband was pleased, because he said he knows that I don't eat enough, and he said that as long as my T knows, then he'll leave me alone on it. I was grateful that he didn't pressure me to discuss it all.

I've never discussed my "food issue" with anyone before, so it's been interesting reading this thread. I could discuss it with my husband, but I know he really doesn't understand, and I also know it would worry him, and so I don't want to do that. So it's nice to have someone on here who knows what's it's like.

My thoughts are with you as your sister in law visits. Be good to yourself Lucycat.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi BrownEyes,

Your holiday sound lovely. I have never been to the US so can only dream about what it is like. I do know that Florida is known for its sunshine though so great, surely, for chilling out?

I was amazed last night. We went out for dinner - with Sister in law- and I had the usual sore tummy afterwards- but NOT the feeling, urge, panic symptoms that would usually make me vomit. I was quietly thinking 'WOW, maybe this really has worked'. I know it is early days and that was only once. While we were away on holiday I managed not to purge by fighting the urge. Since coming home I had 'let myself down' 3 or 4 times already. However last night was truly amazing!

In December I am going away with a friend for a couple of days so we can go to a couple of concerts. She was talking about it last evening, planning the hotels to book etc. To my horror she then started planning where and when we will eat. She believes that we must eat immediately before the concerts because we are likely to be drinking alcohol. I suggested we should discuss this at a later date, we were in the bar and I did not want a public discussion about meals.

When I got home, I said how this had upset me. I cannot think in July about how my friend is planning to control my eating in December! I was able to tell my husband that being controlled in eating is an issue for me, and he was sympathetic replying with a reminder that I am an adult now and no-one can control what and when I choose to eat. He had already noticed that I no longer always empty the plate. This was good. So he does not know I purge, but at least he has realised that there is an issue with food. Good for you for already having discussed it with your husband too. It is quite scary when you are uncertain of the reaction isn't it?

Unfortunately I am not good at considering how my husband is dealing with this. My T. asks after my husband but says I maust take care of myself and my husband is secondary. This is alien to me as before I always considered others first. We are also in the difficult situation where my T. is a friend of my husband. However I trust him completely and when they see each other never discuss me. I have been seeing him for 7 months now and it has taken all that time for me to feel comfortable enough to raise the subject of purging. I now feel I truly have absolutely NO secrets and that is quite refreshing!

Continue to enjoy your holiday, and if there is any sunshine to spare send a little this way! What a lucky daughter you have.

Best Wishes,

Lucy x

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Folks,

An update. Despite high anxiety levels I have not vomited, nor more importantly had the urge to vomit for a week now. That feels good. Far better than the 10 days I managed before when I was battling the urge.

My anxiety is high as my abuser, indeed I will say it for the first time here- my father- is in court on Tuesday. Again. Last time he did not enter a plea of guilty or not guilty. The Police have told me to expect the same thing this time. Then he will be referred to the Crown Court when he will HAVE to enter a plea.

The abuse happened when I was a child and just as I was shocked when the Police contacted me in December, of course my Mother learned of his behaviour for the first time then. We live many miles apart and I speak regularly with my Mum on the phone but never touch the subject that is on both our minds. She is still with him. I have arranged to meet with her next month on neutral territory . I have rented a holiday cottage for a week, and as she does not drive my brother is bringing her along to stay with us there. My husband will be with us and he cannot believe my Mum never knew. It will be hard work, but I am looking forward to seeing her again and having a hug from my Mummy....there already I am reverting to being a child just at the thought of it!

Anyway this will be a hard week for me, and the 5 or 6 others he abused. My brothers too are traumatised by this recent revelation about the man they doted on. It has blown our wider family apart, and all my school pals have been interviewed by the Police so there is no secret left. Therapy has helped me leave the shame, guilt and embarrasment firmly at his gate, but like all of you I just wish we did not have to go through this.

OK. Time for my medication.

Good Night!

 

[goingonhope]

Despite high anxiety levels I have not vomited, nor more importantly had the urge to vomit for a week now. That feels good.

What wonderful news Lucycat!

Improvements, Challenge, Focus and Progress, all good stuff!

Hope

 

[Aine]

Okay, so I've been toying about adding to this thread for a couple of weeks because even though I love this forum, I find participating in it difficult at times.

I've had anorexia since I was 13. I was eating healthily from last October until about June this year. I am now down to 300 calories a day with periodic 40 hour fasts. My suicide attempt in June sparked the decline in my eating. I'm now pro-ana. The reason behind this is because when I start eating full meals again, I think about killing myself. Everything is easier when I starve myself, I'm much happier. Anorexia is so much simpler than CPTSD, much easier to cope with. I can't change what happened to me, but I can change the way I look and I take comfort in that.
I know that I'm risking my life but if I wasn't, I'd probably just kill myself anyway. At least this way, I stand a chance until I get to the top of the waiting list for treatment. Being thin, happy and alive is much better than being unhappy and then dead. If I have to choose between CPTSD and Anorexia, I'll keep my eating disorder.

Love and Light,

Aine.

 

[goingonhope]

The reason behind this is because when I start eating full meals again, I think about killing myself.

I remember this now, from my teens. What a reminder.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Aine,

Well done for being brave enough to post. I wish it were as simple as choosing which illnesses we suffer but the fact is we don't. If you have CTSD and Anorexia then you do. By focussing on the anorexia it wont take away the CTSD. I too would find it a lot easier to live my life vomiting but with otherwise good health. But that is just not reality. Certainly for me the urge to vomit is just one small symptom of my otherwise f***ed-up brain.

I am sorry that you are on a waiting list. I am so lucky that I was able to access services on the NHS as soon as I needed it, and I cannot fault the support I receive. I know we, in the UK, harp on about the 'postcode lottery' of the NHS and this would appear to highlight it again.

I hope that you will rethink your 300 cals a day and be able to increase this without the need to eat full meals. Surely there is some compromise? Are you not receiving ANY support, following your suicide attempt? You say you had anorexia since age 13- and I presume that this is a long time, although I don't know your age. But you previously managed to eat healthily for 8 months. Well done for that.

Wishing you well,

Lucy x

 

[Aine]

Lucy,

I still have CPTSD symptoms when I'm fasting but they're not nearly as bad. I'm focusing mostly on cals, food, exercise etc. so it keeps my mind off other things.

I recently moved from the South West back to the Midlands and that put me back to square one as far as treatment is concerned, so I'm looking at 5 months minimum from August before I have any kind of treatment for CPTSD. I'm currently going to the doctor weekly until my psychiatrist appointment comes up mid-August and it helps a little, but other than that, I'm pretty much on my own. You were very lucky to get your treatment immediately and I'm glad that went well for you :)

I've had anorexia for 6 years, which my 8 month gap (that's the longest I've gone with eating normal meals) and a few months here and there. My plan is to increase my calorie intake gradually as I lose weight. It's a good way of making sure the weight doesn't come back on quickly when you've reached your weight goal. If all goes to plan, I should be up to 500 calories late next week.

Love and Light,

Aine.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Folks,

I am in great form today!:smile: The court hearing yesterday went as predicted - still no plea entered but this time it was only adjourned for one month. Next hearing will be at the Crown Court where a plea MUST be entered. I know that will stress me out, as if he enters a plea of Not Guilty it means me and my fellow 'victims' will have to go and give evidence at a full trial. Of course none of us want that, and I try not to think about it. For now I can just relax for the next month.

Despite all of this going on and phone calls from the Police and various family members, I have STILL not felt the need to be sick. It is wonderful. There have been times when it would have happened before and now I sit waiting for the urge - and it simply does not come!:clap:

I saw my T. last night and he asked why, when I have shared so much of the abuse trauma with him, I found it so hard to discuss the vomiting? I just don't know the answer to that. :crazy:That was one of the most difficult EMDR sessions I have had, but sitting here now I know it was so worth it.... and I have now been 'upgraded' to seeing him every 2 weeks rather than weekly.

I know there is an opinion that PTSD cannot be 'cured' and you have to just get on with it. I would never be brave enough to claim to be cured, but my goodness therapy/medication/EMDR really does make a huge difference. As I walked into work this morning I felt so good, and my unknowing colleagues commented on my appearance. A friend recently commented that I have a 'spark' that was never there before. This morning I really felt that spark!

Anyway, enough of me. I hope the rest of you are also feeling your cup is half full, rather than half empty.:Hug_emoticon:

Best wishes to all,

Lucy x