Hi everyone. I just signed up here and this is really hard for me. But I have literally no one to talk to about any of this.
I moved to Mexico from the US in January, where I knew nobody, and didn't have much time to meet many people before COVID hit here. I live alone and now I've been here in quarantine longer than out of it, and who knows for how much longer. I've been trying to meet locals on social media and dating apps, but not being able to meet in person (and the fact that my Spanish is still beginner level) makes it difficult. I've always struggled to make connections so I've lived a pretty lonely life, but I've never felt as alone as I do now. I live by myself so the only human contact I've had in the last three months is going to the store for supplies. I literally go days without speaking out loud without even realizing it.
I have a long history of mental health issues (I actually don't remember myself ever NOT having them, as a lot of it is based in early childhood trauma). I've been trying to use this time in isolation to process a lot of that old trauma and I feel like I've made some good progress, but it's still a lot to take alone. I don't really have friends back home I feel comfortable turning to. Everybody I know is struggling right now and trying to deal with their own stuff. Hardly anybody checks in with me. I'm thinking on trying to find some online therapy but it's so expensive and it's hard for me to find a therapist I feel comfortable with. Lately I've been working with Pete Walker's books and learning to let myself fully feel the things I've been suppressing for decades. Plus meditation/mindfulness, exercise and somatic therapy stuff. But it's all on my own.
Short version of some of my history: I come from a pretty dysfunctional family. My parents divorced when I was so young that I don't remember them together, other than a vague memory of them shouting and throwing things. My dad was an addict and while my brother and I saw him for school breaks when we were young, as we got older he would disappear for years at a time, only to find out later he was in jail or rehab. My mom, who raised us, was a single mother of 2 in her early 20s with no child support and took her frustrations out on us. She was verbally and emotionally abusive, and completely shredded my self esteem and my ability to advocate for myself. I was first diagnosed with anxiety/depression when I was 16 and was institutionalized for self-harm.
I built up walls to protect myself, and now I feel trapped inside them. I don't know how to let people in. I have a hard time trusting people and too often I took a chance only to find that trust was misplaced. So I retreat even further. I'm so starved for human contact and affection and I don't know when that's something I'll be able to experience again.
Thanks if you listened this far. I'm so used to being dismissed that it's hard for me to say my truth. Everyone talks about having a "support network" but I've never had one and don't know how to build one.
I moved to Mexico from the US in January, where I knew nobody, and didn't have much time to meet many people before COVID hit here. I live alone and now I've been here in quarantine longer than out of it, and who knows for how much longer. I've been trying to meet locals on social media and dating apps, but not being able to meet in person (and the fact that my Spanish is still beginner level) makes it difficult. I've always struggled to make connections so I've lived a pretty lonely life, but I've never felt as alone as I do now. I live by myself so the only human contact I've had in the last three months is going to the store for supplies. I literally go days without speaking out loud without even realizing it.
I have a long history of mental health issues (I actually don't remember myself ever NOT having them, as a lot of it is based in early childhood trauma). I've been trying to use this time in isolation to process a lot of that old trauma and I feel like I've made some good progress, but it's still a lot to take alone. I don't really have friends back home I feel comfortable turning to. Everybody I know is struggling right now and trying to deal with their own stuff. Hardly anybody checks in with me. I'm thinking on trying to find some online therapy but it's so expensive and it's hard for me to find a therapist I feel comfortable with. Lately I've been working with Pete Walker's books and learning to let myself fully feel the things I've been suppressing for decades. Plus meditation/mindfulness, exercise and somatic therapy stuff. But it's all on my own.
Short version of some of my history: I come from a pretty dysfunctional family. My parents divorced when I was so young that I don't remember them together, other than a vague memory of them shouting and throwing things. My dad was an addict and while my brother and I saw him for school breaks when we were young, as we got older he would disappear for years at a time, only to find out later he was in jail or rehab. My mom, who raised us, was a single mother of 2 in her early 20s with no child support and took her frustrations out on us. She was verbally and emotionally abusive, and completely shredded my self esteem and my ability to advocate for myself. I was first diagnosed with anxiety/depression when I was 16 and was institutionalized for self-harm.
I built up walls to protect myself, and now I feel trapped inside them. I don't know how to let people in. I have a hard time trusting people and too often I took a chance only to find that trust was misplaced. So I retreat even further. I'm so starved for human contact and affection and I don't know when that's something I'll be able to experience again.
Thanks if you listened this far. I'm so used to being dismissed that it's hard for me to say my truth. Everyone talks about having a "support network" but I've never had one and don't know how to build one.
