Sufferer Cptsd - help. csa. abuse & neglect. foster care. suicide. death. rape. dv. ppd. baby with sickle cel

[BpinkJ]

I have suffered since as long as I can remember (early childhood I'm sure). I have never really told my story before. I have always been very good at playing normal. If only they knew the screaming and pain going on inside of me.

Some of my traumatic events (in no specific order):
-Sexual, mental and physical abuse by my mom's boyfriend from when I was 8-13 I finally told a counselor at school when the police showed up because I first confided in a family friend that was staying with us
-That family friend died
-In and out of foster care because of parents drug abuse (before sexual abuse)
-In foster care due to my parents being charged with murder (they let my mom out and kept my dad, who after 20 years was found INNOCENT and released. He went back to drugs and is currently back in prison. Before sexual abuse)
-As a teen running away and being used, abused and doing drugs
-Being almost raped as a teen while a run away
-Being raped by an ex police officer while in foster care
-The multiple suicide attempts by my siblings
-My suicide attempt as a teen
-Having a baby at 16 baby boy we will call him D
-Staying with D's father while he became an alcoholic (I finally left and he became a heroin addict and I cry for my now 14 year old D. His father went to rehab but reminds me of my Mom so much, and doesn't have a real relationship with my son. He is in and out)
-My grandma died in front of me in 2010 (this sent me off the deep end as she was the only family member to never hurt me. She was in all sense of the word my Mom)
-My actual mother died in 2015 from a drug overdose
-Having a second and third child which gave me post partum depression
-My last child has sickle cell disease is 11 months old and has been hospitalized over 15 times
-I have no job. I walked out last year after 9 years because of the panic attacks I had there
-The repeated letters my abuser writes to me

I have never made a list before. I have called emergency help lines the past few days. I have a counseling appointment set up in 3 days. I hope I can hold out. I feel like I am dying inside. I have had many treatments over the years which don't seem to help and I snap out of it and go back to my "normal". This time I can't make it go away.

-B

 

[AnD]

Welcome

 

[BpinkJ]

Thank you healing starts now!

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi Beautiful. So glad you're here! Today's the day. You found a very supportive community here. We're all here to help and learn together.

You've been through some horrible things that's for sure. My heart breaks for the little 8 year old girl who had her life altered in such a violent way.

You're not that little girl any more. You have children now. You know how parents choices effect their children. You're making great choices now!! I don't know you but I am damn proud of you!

Today's the day to start making good choices for you and your kids. People either help or hinder us. Choose positive, caring, helpful people to take this journey with you.

Therapy is going to add quite a bit more stress to your life. Maybe you could include your kids a little bit. Age appropriate of course. I think you might find that they will be a great support system for you. Your very own cheerleaders. :)

Anyways, my point is (lol) you got this. You're gonna kick therapy's ass! Come here if you need to vent or have questions. Someone's usually around.

Good luck my friend! ✌ & ❤

 

[BpinkJ]

Thank you so much. Most don't know about my past. It is easier to hide it deep down inside. I have noticed over the years things come up and bother me. I am more moody lately. I have had a short temper with my children lately and that is not their fault. I refuse to repeat my family cycle, so am going to try therapy once again. Therapy has never helped me before and I am really afraid that it will cause some of the worst to come out in me. I'm a nervous wreck. My 14 year old knows about me growing up in foster care but that is it, and also that his grandma died of an overdose. I'm guessing the older he gets he will figure it out from all the talks since he was little about good and bad touching. I am the most sane one in my family and they all reach to me for help and I worry constantly. I tell them all I don't want to hear it I need to focus on me. I was getting calls monthly about one of my brothers trying to commit suicide. He is currently in prison for inducing public panic by trying to commit suicide while in a Walgreens store. I feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. I don't like to be around people anymore. I can't tell you the last time I felt happy, but I tell you what I WILL be happy again if it's the last thing I do! I don't even smile and when I do it feels awkward and fake.

 

[Lovelyinrecovery]

Thank you for sharing your story with us! <3 I'm looking forward to this healing journey with you and the others on this site. I can already see how strong you are! You survived all that you've been through, therefore you can survive the recovery. (That quote has been helpful for me, I hope it is for you too!) Welcome fellow newbie!

 

[LuckiLee]

Thank you so much. Most don't know about my past. It is easier to hide it deep down inside. I have notic...

Well, you don't have to hide anything here. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. Someone here will be able to relate to your issues. You should be proud of yourself for reaching out!!

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!