Sufferer Cptsd - Not All Who Wander Are Lost - But Some Are - This Is Me.

[NAWWAL]

I've visited this site on a few occasions. I signed up as a member but couldn't post, so remained silent. I finally have scavenged enough bravery to write in here today.
I am 31 years old, female and am living with a 2 year diagnosis of complex trauma PTSD. Prior to this diagnosis, I was living in suppression of bliss. I had no memory of my past, just a blurry painting, easily glossed over.

I don't know where to start.

My dearest friend tells me that my past is the most horrific he has encountered, but yet, when I read what some of the people in the CPTSD forum went through, I feel ashamed and unworthy (but my complete outlook on the universe has been warped - or so I am told).
My ill-treatment came from a step father. Never my birth parents. I was tortured, abandoned, abused, mocked and punished from 9 to 15 years old.
My entirety of PTSD has had my mind consumed with "If you were stronger, you would be better. You are what you think. So if you are strong, you would be well".
Who I am was that strength. Now I am nothing. I know not who I am, what I should be, what is right anymore. I can not put faith in my vision, hearing nor thoughts. I have been told that I have been helplessly shaped by my past, and that my reactions, nuances, and personality are the result. Am I to be defined by this? Am I the result of my past? Did my emotional development suffer that greatly (the reply to this will vary immensely depending on who in my life you speak to)? Am I this much of a joke? I no longer know who I am. I have been ripped apart and scattered to the wind. I, honestly, stare out after some of my favourites of those retreating pieces and know in my heart I have seen them for the last time. What have I become? What am I to become? A more pathetic, helpless (two words I most despise!) ghost of what I once was?
I am uncontrollable rage, frustration, disgust, pain, weakness, mess.... but most of all, I am lost.

I am supported by two special people who I cherish. But I am often alone.
I am hoping for some answers here, understanding, truth, companionship, but most of all, honesty.

 

[mary1979]

Welcome

@NAWWAL.


You are definitely in the right place!

 

[Seasounds]

Welcome to the forum! I'm happy you are here. I believe that you will find knowledge and support here, that can be helpful in moving towards your goals.

 

[intothelight]

@NAWWAL Welcome to the forum! :)

PTSD can hit like a bomb and leave a person feeling scattered, broken, shattered, eradicated, etc However, over time, the pieces are picked up and put back together and this time how you reassemble yourself is up to you. There is a point where it seems impossible and there are times that I found I didn't like the piece I was picking up and I had to decide whether to keep it or not. There were also plenty of times I wanted to chuck all the pieces and start all over, but healing is a process and it never really ends as you will find the pieces can be added and deleted based on what you learn and what life hands you as you proceed. I hope you find this site a safe and helpful place to start putting the pieces back together.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@NAWWAL
Welcome to the forum!
I'm glad to see you have support. I also understand how even when you have support, you feel so alone.
That feeling of aloneness is a complex bugger. Maybe it comes from the traumas and the powerlessness of experiencing them that leaves us with that feeling, for we were certainly alone as anyone can be during those times.
Ahhhh the seemingly bliss of ignorance. As you learn and grow (I have a solid feeling you will do both) you will see you were driven and influenced by your experiences and for the most part, not in a good, positive way. So you might not have been in the conscious, tormenting hell of awareness you now find yourself in but guess what, where you are now in comparison to the suppression of bliss is actually a great sign! :O_o: Yeah I know, it sure doesn't feel like it but it means you are strong enough and ready to do the work to start on the path to healing.

Shaped and influenced by our past experiences? Yes we are.

Defined by them? Hell NO! And don't you forget it! It is my own personal mantra "My past will not define me!"

That is a choice you alone make because you now have the power to shape your Now and each Now leads to a newly defined by you present and future.

Your self negative talk of if you were stronger you would be better, when you are aware of it, try to gently challenge it by saying, I am getting stronger and getting better.
I say gently challenge because you are also in the process of learning who you are. Making a new friend who has not always been so nice to herself, so go slow, be gentle and slowly, sometimes, very, very slowly you will build that friendship and start to discover who you choose to be.

Take some time when you have it to comb through this forum. There is a gold mine of support and information.
And don't forget therapy with someone you feel is right for you.

You're on the path lady. Get ready, its one hell of a ride:woot: :wtf: :chicken: :arghh; :D But you're in great company :clown:

 

[driftaway]

Am I the result of my past? Did my emotional development suffer that greatly

I wonder this all the time too.

"If you were stronger, you would be better. You are what you think. So if you are strong, you would be well".

I think this, too. I also think that my childhood self was stronger than me- I went through so much and all the sudden as an adult I crumble at the seams because i have become weak.

I am hoping for some answers here, understanding, truth, companionship, but most of all, honesty.

I do hope you find these things here. I have found them, and this site helps me. I can honestly say that I identify with much of what you wrote- it sounds like you're going through a rough time and I am too. We will get through it. I hear you. :hugs:

 

[ladee]

Please remind yourself of how much courage it took to step out here, tell us about yourself, and ask for help and honesty. What a hard and necessary first step. You are here because we are here. Does that make sense? Together, we can be some fierce recovering warriors!!!
You are no longer alone with the 'being different', you will find that 'being different' is some of the bravest and most compassionate people you will ever meet. Because here, we understand each other. It always makes sense, we are always met with compassion and gentle hugs if we accept them.
So, together, we pick up the pieces, and we share how to put our self back together again... I know where you are is very scary and feels hopeless.... but we aren't hopeless... yes, we are complicated, but not hopeless.
I am glad you are here. You will teach me something. Others here always teach me something. Today you taught me about courage.
Sending warm , gentle hugs, that you can set aside until you are ready for them. They will still be there when you need them.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

I've found this place to be pretty honest. You're in good company. :)

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[NAWWAL]

It has been a while since I have been able to come back on to the forum, but thank you all for your sincere, kind words of welcome and encouragement. I have recently lost the support of my carer (I guess I finally drove them away), so I am down to this site and people on the other side of this screen.
Thank you again. Here's to recovery.

 

[TheKunBaBa]

What have I become? What am I to become? A more pathetic, helpless (two words I most despise!) ghost of what I once was?
I am uncontrollable rage, frustration, disgust, pain, weakness, mess.... but most of all, I am lost.

I am supported by two special people who I cherish. But I am often alone.
I am hoping for some answers here, understanding, truth, companionship, but most of all, honesty.

Hi, I've been looking for answers to the questions you asked since 14 yrs now, who am I ? A huge, life changing question, still trying to figure out. Very difficult to find on our own, coz of the condition we are in. Yes it is the result of our past. Even i forgot about my past n i thought i had a normal life until 20th of DEC 2014, the day wen my folks found from somewhere that i was having sexual relationship with a friend, n they sd if you do something life that again you will be thrown out of the house or you'll have to marry that female. What dey didnt know is this wasn't my first, but that night onwards everything changed, volcano erupted bam! Every single memory of my past came out or rather pushed out by something inside of me,. Then i found a therapist n a day aftr that i cut myself deep , punishing myself for seeking help as parents have denied it in the past. N working with her ever since. Not going the way i imagined things to work out but it has become worst, walking on the fine line of giving up, already prepped with letters n stuff, i just cant handle being lost anymore.

Uncontrollable rage(just 2 days ago bashed up a guy in the bank for asking me to fill out a form, in front of 50 people), frustration(so much that i dont talk at all, quiet the whole day in n out, avoid everything), pain(have constant headache , chest pain, heartache n recurring abdominal pain with no cause), mess ( dont know wer to start) ..

When i was young i didn't know how to start writing an essay, the same way now i dont know how to start my life again, like rebooting life.

Honest reply.
I understand your situation, been in the same boat.
This is the only place where i dont "LIE" or exaggerate things.

i really dont know what will help us. When i see people around me n hear things about people who wer with me once(school, hostel, short term courses) it feels wow they have such a simple , normal, beautiful life, perfect job, partners, know wat r dey going to get or earn @ the end of the month or where their life is headed, unlike us..

We r lost, no doubt in that, if v come out of this v will surely have a better look on life than them. We have already been through worst n pain is our middle name. Had more than normal people, hence wont affect us much. Used to it.

Hold on, just one more day at a time.
Baby steps.