Ava Jarvis
Gold Member
Highly tempted to put swear words in the title just before the word "understand."
I spent over 20 years of my life in life-threatening danger from my murderous father and my mother was zero help in all this. I had PTSD during the last part of this. I could not finish a doctorate because it's hard to when you (a) get sent death threats in the mail by your father, (b) University decides to move you to a high-security dorm (all costs to you) because they feel that having a parent murder their child on campus would be bad publicity, (c) University employee decides to give your parents the new address despite the University suppressing my information, (d) University employee also gives my parents the address AND PHONE of my research team's facilities, (e) as a result no one felt in my entire team felt safe, (f) extra unsafe-feeling and guilt on the pot for me, (g) oh yes and the PTSD symptoms.
I later spent 11 years working for Amazon. Which is like better than my parents in that Amazon would never overtly threaten to kill me or send death threats. But on the other hand, there was a lot about Amazon that is inherently abusive and not friendly to people with mental illnesses, much less PTSD. It's not like Amazon is special in this (although they are special in terms of the high degree to which this happens in the work environment). I never got the time to recover. Once my symptoms caused me to fail in a high-stakes project, my reputation was toast. I spent maybe 8 hours per night in my house; the rest was at work. For 11 years.
I quit Amazon. It finally got to be just too much for me.
I thought I could make it, despite the PTSD.
Well, joke's on me. I began to fall apart when I no longer had a danger stressor in my life. I fell apart entirely one year in. I didn't know this was gonna happen. Had I known, I wouldn't have tried to start a business.
I tell a... "Friend" this. They shouldn't be a friend, to be honest. They aren't a friend, to be honest. They're the ones who knew that I had PTSD and got triggered by arguments and people throwing things and holidays. When they invited me to Thanksgiving dinner, they had an argument with their wife and their wife threw a margarine tub across the room. I do not remember the rest of the night, because I ran off screaming into the night. They never apologized because they figured we were "fair" because my traumatized self called them up after I got home with death threats. (Gosh, wonder where I got that from.) I didn't remember it.
They concluded: not their fault they triggered me. I triggered me, and then I made death threats, so I should be the one begging for their friendship back. So I did beg. So it goes.
In the past. Anyways.
Their proposed solution is that I need to go back to work in a stressful company so that it will get me back on my feet again. They say I have no ability to get by on my own, that I always need to be managed by someone else. Oh, and that they'll never refer me, because of the Incident and that "need to be managed" characteristic.
So. Like. I'm very glad I have an anti-suicidal thoughts omamori. Because I know that I would have been pushed over the edge. Despite us having this conversation before in the past.
I'm very tired and feel worthless. I know I'm not worthless. I just feel that way.
I do have understanding friends. I just feel like I need to prove myself to that "not a friend" because I respected them professionally and they impacted my career so drastically. They were a mentor at work. They were the first person I ever told about the full extent of the PTSD in WA state.
Life is weird.
I feel worthless.
I spent over 20 years of my life in life-threatening danger from my murderous father and my mother was zero help in all this. I had PTSD during the last part of this. I could not finish a doctorate because it's hard to when you (a) get sent death threats in the mail by your father, (b) University decides to move you to a high-security dorm (all costs to you) because they feel that having a parent murder their child on campus would be bad publicity, (c) University employee decides to give your parents the new address despite the University suppressing my information, (d) University employee also gives my parents the address AND PHONE of my research team's facilities, (e) as a result no one felt in my entire team felt safe, (f) extra unsafe-feeling and guilt on the pot for me, (g) oh yes and the PTSD symptoms.
I later spent 11 years working for Amazon. Which is like better than my parents in that Amazon would never overtly threaten to kill me or send death threats. But on the other hand, there was a lot about Amazon that is inherently abusive and not friendly to people with mental illnesses, much less PTSD. It's not like Amazon is special in this (although they are special in terms of the high degree to which this happens in the work environment). I never got the time to recover. Once my symptoms caused me to fail in a high-stakes project, my reputation was toast. I spent maybe 8 hours per night in my house; the rest was at work. For 11 years.
I quit Amazon. It finally got to be just too much for me.
I thought I could make it, despite the PTSD.
Well, joke's on me. I began to fall apart when I no longer had a danger stressor in my life. I fell apart entirely one year in. I didn't know this was gonna happen. Had I known, I wouldn't have tried to start a business.
I tell a... "Friend" this. They shouldn't be a friend, to be honest. They aren't a friend, to be honest. They're the ones who knew that I had PTSD and got triggered by arguments and people throwing things and holidays. When they invited me to Thanksgiving dinner, they had an argument with their wife and their wife threw a margarine tub across the room. I do not remember the rest of the night, because I ran off screaming into the night. They never apologized because they figured we were "fair" because my traumatized self called them up after I got home with death threats. (Gosh, wonder where I got that from.) I didn't remember it.
They concluded: not their fault they triggered me. I triggered me, and then I made death threats, so I should be the one begging for their friendship back. So I did beg. So it goes.
In the past. Anyways.
Their proposed solution is that I need to go back to work in a stressful company so that it will get me back on my feet again. They say I have no ability to get by on my own, that I always need to be managed by someone else. Oh, and that they'll never refer me, because of the Incident and that "need to be managed" characteristic.
So. Like. I'm very glad I have an anti-suicidal thoughts omamori. Because I know that I would have been pushed over the edge. Despite us having this conversation before in the past.
I'm very tired and feel worthless. I know I'm not worthless. I just feel that way.
I do have understanding friends. I just feel like I need to prove myself to that "not a friend" because I respected them professionally and they impacted my career so drastically. They were a mentor at work. They were the first person I ever told about the full extent of the PTSD in WA state.
Life is weird.
I feel worthless.
