You are absolutely not worthless and I'm super impressed by everything that you have been through and been able to do while fighting PTSD. Heck, working for Amazon for 11 years is a major feat even without PTSD.
I'm also a little confused and I might be missing something. I want to possibly point out something, but I may be misunderstanding the situation and your goals and the feedback you are asking for - so please take my input with a grain of salt. Or even a full truckload of salt.
You reasonably told this not-a-friend is that same mentor (a former boss or co-worker?) that your PTSD symptoms can be triggered by others arguing. They invited you over for dinner and they had a relationship struggle of their own, and they threw margarine at their wife and you ran out screaming, may have gone into a dissociative state, and may have made death threats against this person. They pathogologized your behavior to tell you that you will always need help and support and this is why you should go back to Amazon to work for them... ?
It seems like something is missing in the puzzle. People don't generally say to someone that made death threats against them that they should come work for them. Maybe I'm totally misunderstanding? (Very very possible.) please forgive me if I do misunderstand.
Does your therapist know you made death treats possibly in dissociative state that you don't recall?
I hope you ditch this not-a-friend and cut all contact with them. They sound awful. You can't make them understand. Can't make anyone understand. You can only explain, and you did (great job by the way at risking being vulnerable enough to seek support at work!). You can evaluate if people do understand and even more if people are safe, and if not, set and keep healthy boundaries to keep nonsense and danger out. You have made a lot of good efforts in this regard and I'm sorry people have been so awful.
Good idea to apply for SSI/SSDI. While doing that, I would recommend making sure your treating providers are on board with applying because SSA will pull records from them and need them to verify you can't work at this time. If you don't have anyone to verify that yet, no worries - the next step would be to go talk to a doctor and/or therapist about that.
The only thing I think your friend was right on is that they are not responsive to manage your triggers for you.
They are completely responsible for managing their own behavior, and they failed to do that, and acted in an aggressive manner. I can see why you got triggered and became so upset!
If you issued death threats against them, I can also see why they are not feeling like they want to take on the vulnerability of admitting they were wrong. Follow me here. If someone had made death threats against me, I would not want to tell them, yeah you are right, I did something wrong. A self preservation instinct would kick in and I would want to claim some distance from them. If I knew the person had a mental health condition that played a role in the death threats, I would encourage them to get more help and support. I would hopefully also take responsibility for my actions, and work to change my own behavior, but it would be hard to admit my own wrong doing to someone who had scared me with death threats. I don't know what your not-a-friend/former mentor is thinking and feeling, but I'm simply trying to think of what it might be like to be in their shoes and think is possible reasons why they are shut down to understanding and being more empathetic to their pain.
Maybe you might be able to relate to the idea that if a friend acted in a manner that you felt scared by, you might shut down to being vulnerable with them or admitting mistakes on your part to them?
Your getting triggered and acting out in a clear fight/flight/freeze (and even fawn) pattern doesn't make it at all ok that they threw stuff. Their agressive behavior doesn't make death threats ok either.
PTSD is a hellish condition and can be a reason for behavior, but never an excuse.
I've fallen apart when friends have done something that has triggered me and screamed a friends too. It's hard and yet understandable when they want to back up, and it's really painful if they get overly rescue-y. I'm sorry that this friendship has fallen apart and I'm glad you are here reaching out for support. There are people online and offline who can understand and even more so handle themselves and a friendship in a much safer and more respectful manner than this person did. My heart goes out to you! :hug:
