Crashing After Reaching Safety: How To Make People Understand

[Justmehere]

I had one other thought about how to explain why symptoms get worse when we feel safe. That can be a tough one to explain and for supporters to understand. Heck, it was hard for me to understand about myself at first as a person with PTSD.

My therapist uses a variation of this example to explain it:

When she was a kid, she got stung by a bee at school. It it hurt so bad but she was scared the kids at school would make fun of her if she cried and felt the pain. So she stuffed the pain and tears down until she got off the school bus and saw her mom, who was safe, and who had arms out stretched. Then all the tears came.

While this isn't an example of trauma and the danger of feeling the pain and thus symptoms of PTSD - is a metaphor that is very relatable for many people and might help a safe and receptive person understand better why symptoms get worse when safe.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

Okay so the phone appointment for the interview is like next Thursday

And I'm going to get some kind of form to fill out online

I don't qualify for SSI because I have too much in savings. You have to be below $2000 in savings before they let you apply for SSI.

I'm gonna keep going on the disability stuff though because that is apparently separate and maybe will make things easier.

I dunno what else to do

But at least I am doing something?

 

[Ava Jarvis]

You are absolutely not worthless and I'm super impressed by everything that you have been through an...

Yeah I need to clarify all that.

Yeah the person is the mentor at work. A co-worker, senior engineer. I guess I should be pretty surprised and grateful he didn't just have me fired, that ultimately he did understand to some extent what happened to me.

And under the circumstances, I can see why he wouldn't help me get a job where he's working now. We both used to work at Amazon. He left after five years of Amazon.

Even though I've never had that severe of a flashback again, the thought that it could happen meant that I pretty much shut myself off from everybody physically speaking, outside of work, ever since it happened.

That incident happened over 10 years ago though.

Maybe I really ought to just not see people socially anyways though.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

Also my therapists know about the Incident 10 years ago. It's the first thing I always open with.

None of them ever really seemed concerned that I was a dangerous monster even with it.

But maybe they are wrong?

Maybe I am a dangerous monster who just hasn't had the opportunity to become one yet?

I'm so confused.

Maybe I am a horrible, horrible monster.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

What if I'm a terrible horrible monster who deserves to die?

I probably don't deserve to die.

But it's kind of hard to reconcile the idea that I'm just as bad as my father. He made death threats for years, I made death threats once and I wasn't conscious of it, but in the end I am just like my father.

Horrible monster.

 

[Justmehere]

I dunno what else to do

Are you in treatment now? How is it going?

Maybe I really ought to just not see people socially anyways though.

I would challenge this thought as a distorted thought. A fallout with an unsafe friend/mentor 10 years ago (or even a handful of them) doesn't mean you are deserving of an isolated lifestyle or a horrible monster. Avoidance and isolation can actually make PTSD worse, and you haven't done anything deserving of solitary confinement or the very harsh judgement you have of yourself as a horrible monster. I can see why you might be worried you are like your father and this might be a trauma renneactments kind of behavior - but you are making many different choices than your father. I'm guessing he never reached out for the level of help he needed or took much responsibility and apologized. What he did was wrong and you are not him.

You deserve help, support, connection, and compassion from safe people.

Having a savings greater than $2,000 would mean you don't qualify for SSI right now, but you may qualify for SSDI and it may be worth it to get the application submitted either way. I would consult with a disability attorney to take a look at the case. Many will do a free consult.

What about looking for work in a less stressful feild? I can understand if symptoms are too high in this moment to do that.

 

[ladee]

No ma'm !!!!, The horrible monster was your father @Ava Jarvis!!!!! That was and is , the only monster in this story. I feel we are all capable of doing some awful things... I also feel somehow , someway, we don't let our self get that far, regardless of what situation we find our self in....because we have all had real monsters in our life.. And we NEVER want to be like them..
I don't know what stops us, our own moral compass? We do know right from wrong, even at our toughest times... So let that label belong to the monster that hurt you. It is not you , no matter what,,,
Sending gentle hugs to remind you, you are a special person with a heart and a soul.. so be kind to yourself.. I repeat, you are NOT a monster.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

I am not in treatment right now because my psychologist retired and my psychiatrist is leaving for greener pastures. I currently am working with Kitsap Mental Health Services, a case worker sees me every week or thereabouts, we are trying to get me in with a new psychiatrist and psychologist there. It takes a while. It's all covered by "Obamacare" and I have zero income right now so this is a lot better than I expected.

Yeah. Dad never sought treatment. Towards the end the only way I could get him to stop hurting me and Mom was to start hurting myself in front of him. It was amazing. He only accepted true self harm, of course, if it looked like fake self harm he'd keep beating us. But if it was true self harm he'd just watch for about half an hour and then go to his room and be silent the rest of the night.

My gods, that silence. And the price was relatively cheap. I bought it every night I could.

Mom let me, of course. I don't think she was entirely conscious whenever this stuff was happening. It'd be horrible if she was and chose to stay silent and not do anything about it. Let's go with the "not horrible" option....

But yeah... No. I'm not, in the end, like my father. Nor, I guess, like my mother.

Sorry about the digression. I shouldn't digress. I keep doing that. I... Just do that.

I will keep going through with the application. Gonna see it to the end, see what happens.

I am trying to figure out options for a less stressful career. I can code, but it triggers me now. I don't know how to undo that. I can write. I'm learning to draw. I'm learning to edit video. Somewhere in there, has to be something I can do.

But yeah, I suspect I'm too symptomatic right now to figure it out. It = less stressful options.

 

[ladee]

There ya go... knowing our limitations is very important. One of the reasons I end up in a crazy mind set, is because I push myself too hard when things are good... so something will come along. Not like you are setting idle waiting for something to happen... you are a very strong woman Ava.... sorry you had to have such a hard beginning...I appreciate that you are here with us.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

There ya go... knowing our limitations is very important. One of the reasons I end up in a crazy mind set...

Thanks @ladee . :hug: Yeah I didn't get the hang of limitations for a long time. understanding them better now but for a long time... Yeah. :hug:

 

[Ava Jarvis]

@Justmehere - thank you too. :hug:

I gonna go lie down now. I am way overwrought and need to just read fan fiction about Batman trying to use Twitter.

 

[hodge]

Lol, Ava, I love that bit about reading Batman trying to use Twitter!

Hang in there, girl. I'm sorry it's taking so long to get back into treatment, but we are here for you.

I'm so glad you have a phone interview on Thursday. So you completed the application?

Have fun with your drawing. I never painted in my life until a few years after I got PTSD. Then it was a real godsend. If you ever feel like sharing any of your work, I would love to see it. You could post it on Media here or pm me.

Take care, hon :hug:s