Crazy Trigger At Therapy Today And Recurring Thought

[K-9 Al]

Alright, so today I was at the therapist office going over the narrative portion for the Medical Evaluation Board. I was there about 30 mins or so when out of now here the power went out. It went pitch f*cking black. I immediatley hit floor (to take cover), went into a panic attack and started crawling around the floor. I was shaking terribly but my mind was focused, "gotta get cover..cover check...where is the enemy? Its dark, they cant see me but I cant see them, gotta move to where I can get a feel for where they are..." It was CRAZY. I was in such a panic but was so focused. I opened the door slightly and looked out and crept back behind the door. The backup lights came on in the hallway...she wanted to move me to another office so i could see the sunlight...I walked through the hallway checking my corners and going through my training...once we got to the other office i was confused. I could see outside. I could see it was New Jersey, I could see the sunlight but adrenaline was running through my entire body. It took FOREVER to slow my breathing, to re-focus myself on the fact that I was not in Iraq again. Had it been night-time I wouldve been screwed. I am a lot worse at night with triggers, anxiety and everything else. What a crazy session....

Also, when I am having bad days, I am starting to get a specific thought.."what was the point of surviving Iraq if my life is so f*cked after getting back?" Anyone have any insight on this? I dont feel suicidal..i dont have a suicide plan or anything...so what could be up?

Also, does night time make it worse for nayone else?

 

[Sarg]

O.K. Wow this is a tough one. For us Nam Vets, with the treatment we got, our symptoms gradually dissipated, but I don't think they'll ever go away for me. BUT there's a huge difference between you and I. You're young. You've been properly diagnosed. Your mental health care is light years ahead of what it was like when I first got back. They're advancing the studies in new treatments for you guys. So, I think you will heal faster a whole lot better than we did.

You're doing all the right things! You're on this board, learning coping techniques, how other deal with the beast. Hell, I didn't for the longest time know what the hell was wrong with me. Why was my thinking so warped, why was I so damn anxious all the time. The work it was to try to conceal that I was having some real problems. I got a whole 10% from the VA for "anxiety reaction". What the hell is that???

So, Al, pat yourself on the back. You're doing the right things. Keep at it. Read. Learn. And always remember you've got a bunch of guys on here pulling for you.

Sarg

 

[Jimmy1]

Sarg has hit the nail on the head there. The symptoms pass, when your in a situation you just have to tell yourself that your not there anymore. Why do you think vets turn into hermits. You have to find something to keep you going

 

[Fargo1]

Al,
It does not surprise me that you had this response to a blackout. Most of the sense that we humans use are disabled in the darkness and sight, being our primary sense is almost useless in a darkened building. To go from sitting safely in an office talking to your therapist to complete darkness...there is a reason that "We own the night." is a military cliche.

As for your feeling of "what was the point of surviving Iraq if my life is so f*cked after getting back?" I feel that every_single_day right now. It was gone for a while, but the stress of my life right now has brought it back with a vengeance. Just gotta keep going and think about a better future.

 

[Tim &Bailey]

Al you say you don't have a suicide plan but the first thoughts that lead to that are what you said- Why did I survive to be fuked now?"

You still have my number if you need to talk any day anytime any where If you need the cell again let me know.
You survived to be a hope to others as you heal find triggers and what works you will be able to help someone else with it. At night when I walk K-9's or even in car I keep a snap light (white) if you get the blackness spiral at night you can always bust that out and give yourself some light.

You also survived to be a hope to others as a Service Dog Handler. We must educate and let public know Service Dogs are not just for the blind.

You get your Dog yet? If not what is taking so long you need that pup now.

Tim & Bailey

 

[Ned]

That's a good point..I'm never without a Maglite.

 

[K-9 Al]

Tim,

Do need the cell again. Feel free to text it to me. They had to revamp some of her training. She got to sloppy while at home for a week. They basically let her come home to early is what was told to me. They are working on her service commands now. Her "fetch" is AWESOME.

I never thought of the thoughts being the first step to a suicide plan. Um, thats kinda scary.

Al you say you don't have a suicide plan but the first thoughts that lead to that are what you said- Why did I survive to be fuked now?"

You still have my number if you need to talk any day anytime any where If you need the cell again let me know.
You survived to be a hope to others as you heal find triggers and what works you will be able to help someone else with it. At night when I walk K-9's or even in car I keep a snap light (white) if you get the blackness spiral at night you can always bust that out and give yourself some light.

You also survived to be a hope to others as a Service Dog Handler. We must educate and let public know Service Dogs are not just for the blind.

You get your Dog yet? If not what is taking so long you need that pup now.

Tim & Bailey