Therapy Today Was Just Plain Hard...

[Panda Bear]

I'm a week out for when my dad committed suicide when I was 8. October, November and December are tortuous...I've been battling dreams, nightmares, waves of sadness, raging anger, insomnia, my body just can't seem to make up its mind.

Some days I want to crawl into a whole and die, others I long to stand in my childhood home and lay on the floor where he died. To be 8 all over again, to be close to him, even if it's in the middle of the night and I'm laying in that spot...again.

I long for dreams where the blood stained hallway no longer exist, the pain somehow goes away from my mind. It won't hurt forever.

I ended up needing two therapy sessions this week, trying to get through this stuff so I'm safe to travel this week.

 

[Rumors]

Very sorry!

 

[Friday]

I ended up needing two therapy sessions this week, trying to get through this stuff so I'm safe to travel this week.

Good looking out! :)

 

[Chava]

:hug:

I can't say anything will replace this pain but I hear how the time is a big struggle. Have you tried to form some new and positive associations to this time of year? Trying to form new associations connected to situations/places/times that feel connected to really bad memories or feelings gives me a little sense of power in my present life. Doesn't change the hurt but feels like it can be survived a little better. Wishing you safe holidays. Glad you were able to do an extra session with your therapist.

 

[Panda Bear]

@Chava

You are right. I stopped on my way out of town and bought a bag of fresh walnuts. One of my dad's favorite things.