DID Creating another "part"

[trying2movefwd]

I remember the day well, I was in the bathroom and little, I don't remember my age. I was looking in the mirror in my bathroom. Tears starting to run out of my eyes. A moment of strength came, I pushed those tears back, you all probably know why. I needed a parent so bad. I was desperate, but I had no one. So I spoke to myself in the mirror and said,"okay your going to need to be my Mom." Ever since I have had this part of me who speaks to me. She is gentle, loving, wise, and intuitive. Whenever I have a tough decision she helps me sort it out. She kept me alive for years. After several months of counseling l started hearing her less and less. It was seeming lonely without her. I also had escaped all my violence and abuse so maybe she wasn't needed as much? From time to time I still hear her, but not daily as I used to. I know she is a part of me. Now, its like I hear my inner child and very often a teenage me who wishes she never was, who is angry that she didn't just pull that trigger at 15! My abused and assulted part plays on that...I haven't been diagnosed with DID but my dissociative scales scores are pretty high around 50! My former T would take me through flashbacks from time to time. ..she would always say that i "split" to become two people in several different traumatic experiences. I remember one appointment in particular with her...She was wrapping up the session and I was confused thinking I had just gotten there. I lost that hour and it wasn't long before she sent me on my way to someone more qualified to "help" me. Just getting this out. Anyone relate? Oh also Im taking these job readiness tests and scoring very low like middle school stuff. I have a college degree and had some Grad classes now I can barely make out a graph, do basic math, reading comprehension is a struggle. Is this a "part", where did my k owledge go? Could it be with the "Mother in me that I can't seem to find". "Am I crazy? ??? :( :cry: :confused:

 

[trying2movefwd]

I was hoping for a response by now (feeling like a freak right now) *sigh*:banghead::notworthy::wacky:

 

[trying2movefwd]

@pixel can you relate to any of this?

 

[pixel]

@trying2movefwd sorry about the delay honey —timezones! (and I have to dash, but i want you to know we are here for you)

Please don't feel like a freak, you are in good company here. Yes, I can totally relate to you, as can many others in this site.
@BlueOrange @Ragdoll Circus @shimmerz @theshadowoftheliving @Poofycat @JEKBreatheandBelieve
Can you relate to Trying2movefwd's experience?

 

[shimmerz]

I am here @pixel! Thank you for the callout! I have been sitting on this page all afternoon but have been super busy today. I want you to know @trying2movefwd that I can definitely relate, although my head is not in a space that I can answer right now. There is a HUGE thread out there about Structural Dissociation (a few actually), which is not actually DID but instead about co-consciousness (which sounds to me like the 'mother voice' that you have going on). Nothing weird about it. Many of us here speak about it in posts.

I will be back, but in the meanwhile, have you seen the threads on SD?

 

[trying2movefwd]

Thanks @pixel

 

[trying2movefwd]

I have not seen those threads...that i recall. I will check them out. Thanks @shimmerz

 

[BlueOrange]

I can relate to this. And I'm very pleased to be one of the 'cool kids' identified by @pixel :)

I want to write something really wise and compassionate about how you have an understanding that I can support. About how it could well be that the 'mom' personality is the one who is able to access skills. About how I understand shutting the door on a part of yourself because you think you don't need them any more, and how it might still be a mistake.

But that's as good as I'm able to say it through the tears that I'm crying right now. Because there's a part of me that I thought I didn't need anymore. And I'm sorry. In my efforts to reassure myself that I was 'normal' and 'cured', I cut off a part of myself, and repeated the cycle. I'm sorry Blue - I included you in my name so that I'd never lose sight of you, and I lost sight of you. I'm sorry.

And now I'm really, really tired. I'm grateful to be prompted to reconnect with myself, but I'm also just tired and hurting. And I have someone I need to spend time with.

 

[trying2movefwd]

Take care @BlueOrange and thank you.

 

[trying2movefwd]

Wow so I am like having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. It seems so confusing. . . And right now I just want to :cry: I have to go. Why do I suddenly feel like cutting!

 

[shimmerz]

I had a hard time at first too. Really hard. I could literally feel my brain spinning as I contributed to a posting on SD. I think that is because many of the parts were activated and didn't feel it was in my 'systems' best interests to know such a thing may have existed inside of me.

But then it all made sense. The Mother me was warm, kind, thoughtful. The Worker part of me was relentless, a perfectionist, incredibly savvy and clever. The friend part of me was loyal beyond words but took a ton of stuff she shouldn't have. The child part of me was determined to die. The teenage part of me was anggggggrrrrry! She wasn't EVER going to be trompled on.

The thing that brought me to peace though was that I recognized that the child part of me (who scared the shit out of everyone with her relentless quest to 'disappear and die' was just a PART of me. And a small part of me. And I learned how to soothe her, to care about her. That made me safe (most times).

The great thing about being co-conscious is that once de-activated, there is a time that one can look at the situation and that 'mother' voice you speak of (I have one too), can help provide answers to you in order to heal.

At one time this problem seemed so very large to me. Now, in recognizing that there are parts of me who can help in the quest to figure out what happens to me when triggered, how to understand the language of each of the parts - I am well on my way towards peace.

 

[trying2movefwd]

Teenage me wants to die and is so hurt she doesn't know what to do, she feels that cutting calms her down. Little Girl me just craves attention and love and wants to be a child because it was hard being an adult in a child body. The Mother part is wise, understanding, and loving. My former T kept saying, "Do you realize how smart/brilliant you really are?"...What? I am smart because of trauma? !?!? Sure doesn't feel like it. I feel like I am a screw up. Like there isn't any reason to go on. Almost as though my sole purpose was to be abused and violated. It's awful ! !!!! Im sad now. I didn't have a normal childhood. ..Everything was all about sex, alcohol, drugs, music, pornography, guns, glass, fights. And that started when I was 5. .. and the sexual part of that didn't end there. My x raped me right after having gall bladder surgery. He did it right in front of my daughters room with her door opened. He pulled my arms almost out of socket and drug me to the other side of our house. Later I discovered that my x was behaving very i appropriately in our sons room. . . In the bed right next to our son (sorry if I trigger). ..The night the gall bladder rape ..i hate that word.... happened i eventually ended up in a bathroom, alone on the floor... and then teenage me came to surface, it was all too familiar. A teenage friend of mine died in a car wreck the same week. I sought counseling. It took me 6 months to open up at all. :( I started feeling safe and then the T got rid of me because I was" too dissociative". She stays in touch though. I don't understand it) I don't know why I am typing so much to you guys. I want to cut, I want to be held, I want to be loved, and I want to die. What's scariest is when i am outside of my self and am suicidal. I watch myself from beside, behind, or above, feel nothing but something in me has a plan and starts to implement it. She did this several times this year, had me on railroad tracks at the time a train should have been coming, but it didn't. Was a half hour late, had to get my kids so glad she didn't succeed. Made the best plan, just before leaving to jump off of bridge my best friend calls and wants me to eat with her. I decide to giving no indication, apparently T knee so as soon as my best friend and i were done eating she took me to the hospital. . . And this last time suicidal me picked up otc sleep aides was just about to take the whole bottle when Mother me started crying saying to me that I need to get help and if I am feeling this way mid day at night I will definitely not be in a right state of mind and the part of me that wants to die will win. So I called for help and my sponsor (alanon) came to take anything that could hurt me out of home)...at hospital social worker was yelling at me saying that I am doing all this for attention or to get back at someone. ..NO I want the war in me to end!!! I want the flashbacks, the hurt, the pain, the confusion, to end!!!! I have a suicidal plan in me, a real detailed step by step one....and my hopes are that no one will ever find my body. . . It's not something the part of me typing is planning or intending to do. WTH am i doing typing all of this!!!!! I need punched...my hands won't stop typing... i think im out of it. Make it stop.