Relationship Crisis mode... again.

[ManagerWife]

I think it's been about 3 months since I logged in. Hubby, the sufferer, had been in weekly therapy sessions, seeing his psychiatrist bi-weekly, seemed to have vast improvement on his latest cocktail of medication. I was feeling hopeful and starting to relax again....

... but then a couple weeks ago I noticed the angry, short fused man I know all too well was creeping back. Negative outlook, bitter, making erratic decisions, spending money on random crap like wooden milk crates, plant stands and an above ground pool... none of which we need nor can afford. Forgetfulness to the extreme. Then extreme anger when I try to remind or point things out to him. I asked if he'd missed any medication, he admitted he had and he wasn't sure how much. Then his therapist got sick and missed 3 appointments. Perfect storm. Hubby hit erratic odd behavior mode. In the last 48 hours he started pacing, mumbling, calling me a c*nt and a f*cking bitch, ranting about how he can never make me happy. He hasn't been sleeping well. Instead of going to work today he waited until I left with the kids to go run an errand, he packed random shit of his and left. He shut off his phone. I noticed he withdrew money from our bank account leaving us short for rent now. So after 4 hours I called and filed a missing persons report out of fear he may harm himself. He was hospitalized just two years ago on suicide watch.

About an hour ago he started texting me. He'd driven nearly 400 miles away and was scared. He called me crying hysterically. Ranting about how he f*cks everyone's lives up and what a loser he is.

He's now on his way home, he begged me not to have him hospitalized. I'm FURIOUS at his behavior, fearful he just lost yet another job for no call no show, worried about his safety, fearful of which version of himself will walk in that door tonight. Scared he may not walk in the door tonight at all.

I don't know what to do. I think he needs to be hospitalized and medicated but he's begging me not to put him in the hospital again.

I'm so tired. I'm just drained. Heartbroken. Angry. Scared. So worried, about him, did he lose his job, how are we going to pay our bills now. He's on job #4 in the last 15 months. f*ck f*ck f*ck!

He's a good man, kind soul, big heart. But so f*cking mentally unstable. I feel like I dropped the ball, I had stopped playing nurse maid and wasn't staying on top of his medication daily. I had entrusted him to do it himself.

I know I can't express my anger and resentment towards him while he is in the state. BUT I AM SO ANGRY! He is right, he is a f*ck up, he does f*ck everything up, he can not do much of anything right. He is completely dysfunctional.

I'm so tired.

 

[Friday]

Not your fault.

There was no way for you to know, without trying, if he could handle his own meds. And he was. Until he wasn't. And then you did the very sane thing of waiting for him to cycle down , like he has so many times before, before changing things. That prevents exactly this kind of blow up. Wait until he calms down & rationalizes out before confronting. But he blew up anyway. 2 sane things. Trying something to see if it would work, and being the still point in the storm. You didn't drop the ball. You didn't f*ck anything up. ...and I'm not shy about telling people they have when I see it that way ;) So those really aren't empty words.

 

[ManagerWife]

Thank you for your support... your words felt good to read.

I just want a normal husband. Whatever that is. I just want to fix whatever the hell it is that's broken in his head. I know just wishful ranting.

He just called, to say he is nervous and about 40 minutes from home. He says he's sick to his stomach. He just admitted to having only been taking only 1 of the 3 prescriptions he is on and that he's "missed a few days" of even taking the one. Not sure why he did that or why he would do that.

Lawd give me strength tonight. I have no idea what's about to walk in the door. I know it's going to be chaotic.

I already called out from work tonight.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Nights like that are the pits... the absolute pits. :hug:

 

[ManagerWife]

He's home. Just found out he had got yet another speeding ticket, TWO MONTHS AGO. He didn't tell me, internalized it, was afraid to tell me because it's $406!

I'm sleeping in the guest room tonight. He's extremely prickly right now. I suggested he shower, take his meds and go to bed.

 

[dulcia]

You sound like a bad ass. I can't imagine handling any of that the way you have. So if his therapist was sick and missed three appointments, does that means he missed three weeks straight? I wonder if there is some sort of plan B that can be put in place to try and remedy anything like that happening again in the future. Personally, I also don't think it was a bad idea to have him try to manage his own meds.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I know you can't make somebody take their meds. I know it's his body and his decision... but that's one thing I wish my own vet could see. How much worse his outward symptoms are when he screws with his meds. If his outwards symptoms are bad, lord knows what the inside is doing.

Has your husband been more coherent since he's been home?

 

[ManagerWife]

He's been extremely emotional and apologetic. He's expressing feelings of guilt and no self worth. He kept himself busy all weekend... installed a ceiling fan, new porch light, new gate in the backyard. He cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom and cleaned out the pool. He even folded all the clean towels. He's crying a lot.

My heart breaks for him. I'm keeping my anger an resentment at bay. Medicated or not, these "episodes" seem to happen every 3 to 4 months. He rips the rug out from under everything, blows up, haphazardly packs his shit and takes off.

How do you deal with your anger, frustration and resentment towards your sufferer and their inevitable bullshit?

Part of me feels like I'm enabling him by reeling him back in to come home, coddling him while he cries.

I have mixed emotions. None the less I always take care of him. It's my nature. I'm in love with this beautiful man child. I made a promise and commitment to take care of him when I married him. I just didn't realize he barely be able to care for himself.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I deal with it by reminding myself that he has a mental illness. Then I let it out. Never at him, but I go somewhere and Release the Kraken. I'll go on a drive and cuss him out or scream with the windows rolled up. If it gets very bad, I go and break plates on the back of my shed.

I seriously get ugly old plates at yard sales for a quarter and keep them out there for that purpose with a bottle alcohol. When I get upset I go have a few shots, light a cigarette, then smash some f*cking plates. I live out in the boonies and nobody can see me. I just have to be careful when I mow back there. I have a decent pile of shards going. I keep joking I need to make a moasaic path or something... the rage trail. ;)

Got to let it out. It makes me feel a lot better.

 

[ManagerWife]

I love the sound of shattering glass! think making a mosaic with all those shards would be peaceful... and symbolic.

I would love to go shatter some plates! But my property isn't that big. I keep myself busy with tending to my gardens and my latest hobby, chickens. Watching my chickens peck around the yard is really relaxing. He'll I don't even care that they eat my strawberry and cucumber plants.

What I need to do is get back into the gym. I could use the endorphin rush, stand to shed some pounds and build some muscle strength. I'm the only one awake in my house right now. No one would even know if I left for an hour.... *Sigh* but my bed is so cozy and my dear husband quietly snoring next to me is oddly soothing.

Mental illness. Yes my husband is mentally ill. I too have to keep reminding myself of this when I question why would he be so irrational and careless.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It takes awhile to "get" the fact that they're mentally ill. Then you make peace with it.

 

[ManagerWife]

... and I need to make peace with the fact that this is my path.

My mother was mentally ill. My younger brother was very mentally ill, schizophrenic. I cared for them both into my adult life. I suppose that is what has given me even half the patience I have.

My husband doesn't appear outwardly mental like my mom and brother were. So maybe that's why it's harder for me to accept.

None the less, I'm grateful I found my way to this forum. I don't feel so alone.