Crossroads

[WendyA]

I feel SO alone and helpless and hopeless. I feel like I am close to giving up, but there is this small part of me that is trying so hard to keep the rest of me from caving in. That part is becoming weaker and weaker because my world is closing in on me. I am so afraid I won't be here soon. I am so afraid to be another statistic. However, I do think sometimes that if I leave behind all that I've written, maybe it could help someone or add one more piece of awareness out there as to the severity of PTSD.

I am so lost and so alone and can't help myself. I think I survived all these years because I had myself to rely on and now without that relationship and trust in myself and really my sanity, I look to one other person who I have found is the only one that can "reach" me and keep me going. That is WAY too much pressure for another human being and I would change it for him if I could. But I need him!!

I feel like he is the only string left that is keeping me from completely unraveling and from dying. I think that maybe he would be better off if I wasn't here in the long run. He may suffer some in the beginning from other people thinking maybe he didn't save me or maybe he will think that of himself, but I am stressful and exhausting now. I can only hope that he could forgive me and love and miss me still. I never imagined after years of abuse and surviving and really trying to make the best out of my life that it would all end like this.

I have always tried to see the good in people and do what I could to help, no matter what, and put myself and my needs to the side. I have always made bad jokes and laughed and smiled the majority of my time and saw the good in things and people. I felt independent and like I've clawed my way out of holes that would have broken other people. I felt smart and aware intellectually and emotionally. I have always been able to understand people and been compassionate and sensitive in dealing with others.

I have always been able to own up to my mistakes, learn from them and try not to repeat them. I have always tried to do what is right even when it was uncomfortable or I wanted to do otherwise. I cherished my time alone, but also was social and outgoing and found people fascinating. I loved to say things to people that made them feel good. Not because I was being fake, but because I meant every word and felt that you shouldn't wait to tell people what they mean to you or to give out compliments. I wasn't perfect, by any means, but I built something for myself, by myself without family and without close friends or anyone or any support. Now that I cannot count on myself, it is like I've lost everything!

I mentioned that one other person and the pressure on him and I feel like I am draining so I try not to be so demanding, but it's killing me. He is the only one that "sees" me in a world where I feel I don't belong and feel I am not a part of. He grounds me. He protects me and keeps me safe, especially from myself. When I have his words of pure love and encouragement they become louder than the PTSD and it really gets through to that very part of me that is trying to fight. When he hugs me, touches me or holds my hand it is pure ecstasy. For the first time in my life I feel what being truly loved feels like. The electricity that flows from him to me shocks me and wakes me up in a way that I have never been awake. The only thing I can equate it to would be Frankenstein. Except that because of the PTSD I need frequency of that to remember what it feels like because the PTSD attacks it and makes me forget and so I need it again and again to feel and remember. Sometimes I can close my eyes and remember and I can feel it, but most of the time I try and just end up crying and frustrated because this PTSD has taken SO much away from me!!

Happiness doesn't stand a chance. When I am away from him or don't have his attention the PTSD has a way of attacking that love and tries to convince me that it is too good to be true or won't stick around or that I'm not good enough or worthy of having someone love and protect me and commit to me like that. But then he comes with perfect timing and reassures me that he's here and will not leave my side and that most importantly he loves me. He seems to know what to say and when to say it. He is my guardian truly and my one true love. The love and friendship is deep and like nothing else and it can't be defined. I wouldn't try to define it or classify it because I feel that would do it an injustice.

Lately, however, he has had some stress in his life and has to take some much needed time for himself to recharge. His responses and our time together has been lessened a bit and it is hard for me to take. I just feel like this is such a critical time for me. I'm at a true crossroads of life or death and I just need him to hold on. I know its asking so much and anyone taking the time to read this novel would agree it's not good to put all your eggs in one basket. However, I am literally not capable of anything else right now. He I the only emotion I feel and the only hope I have. I don't have anything left in me to try and do anything other than what I am doing right now. I go through the motions of healing hoping that one day I will believe it and want it for myself. For now I look to him to almost want it for me until I get to that point.

I look into his eyes and can feel that he sees something in me, where I can't. I look in the mirror at my own eyes and see emptiness and vacancy. But when I see him look at me, deep into me, I can see that he latches on to something. I can see myself through his eyes. It is overwhelmingly emotional. I end up sobbing at the intensity of feeling that washes over me. I trust him completely and believe in that and him and his observance.

I didn't want to say all this to him because it makes him uncomfortable with compliments and adoration, so I'm using the forum. I'm sorry if you read this and feel like you didn't get anything out of it. Please know that it helped me to write about how grateful I am for him and that I had somewhere to almost shout out to the world as to what a truly amazing person he is. He is human, yes, and I accept all of him but my heart sees everything and loves it all unconditionally. I hope that if I end up not being around that he will take comfort in knowing that he has given me the most love and happiness I've ever experienced and I can die knowing that I was lucky enough to have that, even if for a short time.

 

[Tympre]

When I started posting on this forum I was begining the upswing from where you are. PTSD comes as a tidal wave, knocking you off your feet, and destroying most of everything in its path. It covers you, surrounds you and tries its best to drown you.When the tidal wave recedes, and it will, it leave destruction in its path. I find this imagery very soothing actually. It validates the havic PTSD has on my life.

My tidal wave hit last Septemeber. I spent a week in the hospital and have since been doing a little better. The wave is receding but not gone yet for me, but I feel its like a lake now where my feet can barely touch as long as I stand on my tiptoes. I am a supporter of the right to death, but I firmly believe it must be made when no other recourse is available and no hope to recover is there. You can and will recover from this. I know its exhausting, I know its hard to believe, but it will happen.

I enjoy crafting, currently I crochet, this enables me in very tense scary moments to focus on somthing I can see progress in, even when I see it no where else. I would highly recommend something similar. A hobby or task that you can easily your progress in. This will build hope and strength to keep swimming and keep your head above the waters that surround you.

If you are this exhausted then perhaps seeking medical help should be done. I went as soon as I felt I could not swim any longer, and it greatly aided me, it saved my life. The doctors and the hospital gave me the much needed reprieve and rest I needed in order to continue fighting. It is dangerous to put all this on one other person, and it can be very hard on both of you. But the feelings of; isolaiton, lost, alone, no one else can see you, no hope, pointless, the world would b better off, ect, are just that feelings. Feelings are not logical nor rational when PTSD swamps you.

Dont lose the battle, get help from medical people, seek therapy, get a hobby that can enable you to see the progress you make, and dont forget this battle is the hardest many will ever fight. And most win! The odds are on your side as the many people on this forum prove. You are not alone, sufferers of PTSD can see you. I hear you, and I understand. Keep up the fight!

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear WendyA, please know that your heartfelt cry of pain in your message is being heard by others. It is so very hard when you feel that you are finished and given all you can to fight the pain. Your life can become worth living again. Your friend is a part of that, and other people you have yet to meet on your journey through this life. The hope and possibilities are there for us all. Please believe that there is help and there is healing for you.

 

[Jane.l]

I thought your writing - though sad was also beautiful and I identify with it . I know that scary feeling of not trusting yourself anymore when that's all you've ever trusted .

You have been sociable and compassionate. You've made people feel good about themselves . You've pulled yourself out of deep dark holes , you have learnt from mistakes and kept moving forward . You have been strong . You have a lot going for you and you can get all these things back , it's tough right now but you can get through. Your friend sounds so special to you - take strength in that too .

When things get this tough I just go minute to minute - keeping safe - until it's not quite so intense.

Does your T know you feel this way ? Look after yourself

 

[WendyA]

Thank you all for your support. Writing about these things are helpful for me. This forum has been helpful for me and each time I post or respond I am amazed that someone will take the time to read what I've written and give value to it and take their time to respond even if its just to say they identify.

My therapist does know about these feelings. She almost called 911 last night when I was discussing my choices, but I convinced her to give me more time. (We can be very persuasive) I have a lot of thinking to do this weekend.

 

[Jane.l]

I am glad you are getting support - stay strong you can do this .

 

[WendyA]

@Tympre I love the tidal wave analogy. I keep reading it over and over again because it makes so much sense. Right now I'm at the point where I feel like I'm drowning. I can feel the water over my head and entering my lungs and I'm gasping for air. Which is how I wake up from most of my nightmares.

 

[Tympre]

It was told to me on here but I can not remember who coined it. It was in a reply to my trauma diary. The waters do recede and you can make it. It sure doesn't feel like it when its happening though. I am beginning to think my tidal wave has cost me way more than my career, its possible wiped out my marriage as well. But I know the waters will finish receding and then I can begin damage assessment and removal of the trash. Perhaps then I can start rebuilding, and hopefully put in enough waterways to minimize the damage from the next tidal wave. I hope the same for you. Just know there are others in this and you are not alone.

 

[Barconian]

Look for any positive you can find!

 

[WendyA]

Has anyone here ever done a pros and cons list? I am struggling so badly with the decision. I was supposed to take time this weekend to really think and write and listen to music and decide for myself without anyone telling me that I needed to contract for safety or promise to be here on Monday etc. But I didn't get that time. There were a bunch of things that got in the way this weekend. So, as I go through this week and into next weekend I am hoping to have that time. I need to figure things out. I am in so much pain! I am a ghost of a person and barely surviving. I am robotic in actions, forgetful and detached. I have that relationship I described in the beginning, but he has since backed away a bit and I feel sort of like I am just drifting away with nothing to hold on to me. I'm afraid.

However, I don't want to be force fed medication that will only mask the problem. Therapy will take a long time to work and I don't have any good coping skills. I had this one physical support person and this forum that are able to break through some of my madness, but those are troubling me now. I have people that are hounding me about what my death would do to them. I do understand that suicide carries certain legal responsibilities, but the compassion is not there. The compassion to just let me be so I can choose what to do with my life and how I choose to continue or not. I know after typing that out it sounds like I'm asking the impossible, but if I am going to heal it needs to be me that decides. If I'm going to end my life, it also needs to be me. I have already been given all the information as to why I shouldn't. Now, I just need to process. As you can tell, I'm not doing well. Even typing this, there is not a lot of emotion or feeling. It's a little scary actually, because usually when I write this stuff I end up crying, now I'm just numb. How do you all deal with SI? How do you remove it as an option? How do you make a commitment to healing? I just want to run and hide. And when confronted multiple times a day about my safety I want to fight and protect myself. I am so lost. I am really hoping to find some answers. I know they have to come from me, but the experience here does help so much.

Also, I am hoping that the moderators do not flag my post for anything I've said, because I am just speaking the truth to get help and I am hoping my grammar is correct. I need this forum and don't want to be banned like I've seen with some people. Lots of days I can't even string coherent sentences or thoughts together, let alone worry about my punctuation. I am trying so I can stay on the forum, but its nerve-wracking to have to worry about that too on top of everything else.

 

[Jane.l]

Who is hounding you about what decision you make ? Friends ? Family ? Professionals ?

I would find it hard to write a pros and cons list - because of the mindset you are in right now clearly it is going to seem like there are more cons otherwise you would not be thinking this way - doesn't mean you are right - just means that's the only way you can see it just now.

This is hopefully where therapy might help , just to turn things round to make you see it slightly differently and I would say that although your therapy may take a long time - sometimes it just takes something small to make a little bit of a change enough to give you hope and that could happen at anytime.

Sorry you are feeling so low - For me I would just keep going with the minute to minute rather than looking at the bigger picture

 

[WendyA]

Well, I am hounding myself about the life or death decision. I am tired of the roller coaster and dragging people around me into it as well. I feel that either I need to commit to healing and remove that other option or follow through with the other. Not straddle the fence anymore. It's exhausting.

My therapist and people around me are pushing the medication and pressuring me for that decision. I did a lot of reading on this forum about that and think I've decided I don't want to take medication. I will take an occasional Xanax to help me sleep or get over anxiety, but I don't want to be on a bunch of pills and be a guinea pig for trial and error medications.

I agree with you @Jane.l that my thinking is not clear. I am trying to figure things out. I also agree with you that minute to minute is the way to go. I am struggling so badly, it is hard to put into words here, the pain I am in and the loneliness I feel. I'm sure you understand though. That is why I come here and speak so honestly because I can't do this anywhere else. No one seems to judge here, just support. And even if there is nothing to say or no advice a simple, "I understand" is all that is needed.