Crusoe's Emdr Diary - Warning: May Trigger

[krystina]

Moving fingers that kind of sounds interesting. I should talk to my therapist about it.

 

[Crusoe]

Why "even more now"?

Erm because the EMDR session is getting closer and closer (it's now this afternoon and I have a busy day) and avoidance helps me not get nervous before appointments. If I have to start doing a diary at this late point I will be full of butterflies by the time the appointment comes and although I know I will get through it I would rather not put myself through that. I actually feel like a naughty school girl who hasn't done her homework at the moment.

 

[cherryblossom]

I actually feel like a naughty school girl who hasn't done her homework at the moment.

Not at all. Take your time, and only write what you are comfortable with. I hope your EMDR goes ok today ;)

 

[Crusoe]

Thanks hun. Apparently it went well but I would describe the session as distressing. One thing though... she said that a single emotion eg anger can only last 20 minutes max and I thought "You what??? You're joking"
(although I didn't actually say it lol). I know that I have had emotions that have lasted waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay longer than that hmmmmmm.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hmm is anger a definate emotion? Or is it an emotional response to some other feeling? Maybe despair, fear, frustration.... I don't know the answer - just throwing it out there.

But yeah - 20 mins max? That's an interesting/curious idea.

 

[Crusoe]

Erm I had never thought of it like that. You could well be right. Hmm I will have to think about it some more.

 

[Lucycat]

Glad to hear your EMDR is going well. I have found it very helpful and had numerous sessions. Some for the actual abuse and some to help deal with resulting coping mechanisms and behaviours - a bit like your teeth cleaning. I hate the EMDR but a bit like having an injection- I know it will do me good! I have headphones with clicks to listen to rather than a moving finger to watch but it does the same thing. If my therapist arrives with the headphones in his hand my heart sinks lol. Sometimes he comes without them, but has then gone back to his car to get them after all.

EMDR sounds so easy but it really is quite hard work.

 

[Crusoe]

Isn't it just:rolleyes: It's good to hear that you found it helpful. Ask me this time next week and I might be able to give an answer as to whether it was helpful or not :rolleyes:

 

[Lucycat]

I bet it IS!!! but then I am biaised...;)

 

[Nyx]

Did your T say more about an emotion lasting 20 minutes? Did she say why? Did she give you any more details to it? I'm curious what's the base of this statement.

 

[Crusoe]

No she didn't. We were talking about coping with any fallout from the EMDR sessions and her suggestion was that if I was finding things too much eg feeling angry etc then maybe I could ask my hubby for 20 minutes or so to myself and by then I should be "ok" because emotions only last 20 mins max or at least able to cope with things better again. I wouldn't even consider asking hubby for some me time but I said that I could find some other way to get some time to myself as long as it didn't mean admitting to anyone that I was struggling or feeling emotional. I think I would probably just fake a headache for a while and go for a lie down. She said it didn't matter how I got some time to myself as long as I did when I really needed it as I needed to be kind to myself.

 

[Crusoe]

OK here goes :oops:. In EMDR we worked on another issue that causes me to gag while brushing my teeth.

I was forced to give oral sex but I had told him that I would bite "it" off if I was made to do that. He then tried to strangle me to try and frighten me into not doing that. I told him I would be sick but he wouldn't believe me. I had no choice but to go through with the oral sex because he had his hands permanently around my throat and pressing on my neck. I was sick. He got off me and I laughed my head off him. I said "I warned you". I thought it was absolutely hilarious and was really pleased I had been sick. What a result. He then made me brush my teeth for what seemed like a good half hour but he didn't try to make me do that again.

Anyway, it brought up lots of nasty thoughts and feelings during the EMDR. I felt scared, I felt a lump in my throat that was similar to the strangling sensation but nowhere hear as strong. I could see the image of him doing what he forced me to do but from the side rather than from the under him. I remember, amongst other emotions, getting really angry during the EMDR to the point that I had some very frightening thoughts and images. I imagined myself stabbing him over and over again but he did not fall down. I guess that was an image of what I wished I could have done. I'm now hoping that, as horrible as it is to see yourself doing something like that to "someone", it will completely stop any revenge issues. I feel awful for having had those thoughts but perhaps it is better to imagine that than having actually done that in real life. Not that I ever would have done anything like that but it must have been in my mind and certainly at one point in my recovery (a long time ago now), making him suffer intolerably really was the only thing I could think about. But that is all it was - thinking.

Anyway, the diary thing is intended for me to write down things that have happened during the week that may have been effected by the EMDR. The past week or two (ie since the EMDR started) I have been having dreams about rape. Not dreams about me getting raped, nor anyone else, but dreams where rape is an issue. Last night I dreamt that I was at school (I'm a teacher:oops:) and that one of my colleagues (my head of department) made some completely inappropriate remark about rape victims. I can't remember what the comment was but it could have been to do with him saying that doing X means a girl is asking for it - say wearing a short skirt etc. I was furious with him and gave him a right gob full. I even told him (in my dream not in real life) that I had been raped and that he was well out of order. I got hold of him and shook him and then did the same to another (male) colleague because he was of the same opinion.

I know that when you are pregnant you have more vivid dreams so the fact that this was so vivid could be due to that but I also think that the EMDR played a hand in it too. The other thing that I think may have influenced this dream is that a couple of years ago, a girl in my form was sexually attacked in a car park. Quite a lot of the school had found out about the attack because she had said something to a couple of friends because she was in such turmoil in her head I assume. One of those "friends" went and told another and then the rumour just took off. The head of house said "Well it is her own fault if she is going to go round telling everyone what happened to her". WTF?!?!?!!?!? I was still barely coping with my past and I couldn't believe what he said and although it is very unlike me, I was gob smacked and speechless. I hate the guy to this day for saying that about that girl. I still have to work with him altough not too closelt luckily. I just avoid him because he makes me sick. And I wish that at the time, although he is "above" me work wise, that I had told him exactly what I thought about him and his comment. It wouldn't have been nice to say the least. "You're a f*cking arse hole." would have been the first line lol. Anyway I didn't say anything at the time but now wish I had but it is far too late.:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: In the end the girl in my form left the school so that she didn't feel like people were whispering and pointing at her all the time. I wish I had her home details so that I could send her an anonymous letter and let her know she isn't alone and that there is support out there. Not that I am allowed to do things like that anyway but my empathy as a survivor seems to want to take over from my professionality as a teacher.