Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[IamFree]

I agree that forgiveness is misinterpreted, especially by abusers and perpetrators assuming that...

yes forgivness is a tricky one ..sometimes I feel like i should forgive like it will be some pill that will make me feel better and its so noble i will become some sort of buddah as a result...I am not against the concept but I still do not know how and in what form it could manifest for me as how I really feel right now is forgiving my family sure as hell is not going to stop them from carrying on doing what they do to me them selfs and each other.

 

[NoAnna]

I've made up my mind that it's something that I have to do for my physical and...

I am helping my husband go through just the same thing myself and have posted a couple things about it just now. What is helping my husband is to help him to look up mental health illnesses associated with toxic behaviours. Along with my husbands therapists we have been able to highlight that his mother has undiagnosed BPD, NPD and is also a sociopath. Reading up about all of this helps him to understand that she will not change (very slight chance that she would ever admit she had a problem and get therapy and even so it would take her years!). He now knows that the only way to escape her manipulative behaviours is to entirely cut her off, albeit, he's about to do it by telling her that he would only communicate with her in the future through therapy!

 

[greycrayon]

I'm glad this thread exists. I went no contact with my family beginning of the year and finding it difficult to talk about. I've noticed that I've isolated myself because I don't know how to bring up my deep sadness and relief over not having those interactions in my life. The shock is starting to wear off and I just have to learn to cope with my feelings..anguish, despair, sorrow, feeling helpless like a child even though I'm thirty. I need to talk about it, just about it with people who will understand it.

 

[IamFree]

I was having some feelings of commpassion towards my sister today who has been physically and mentally abusive to me through out are lifes...when i get like this i can feel the urge to go back..but i know i must not . it does not matter how much i am changing if there is no healing on there side I am just playing the rescuer role which i always used to try and go back and play..and i understand i cannot expect or force anyone to change but i must also protect my self from retraumatisation...i nearly lost my job a couple of years ago because her violent behaviour traumatised me so much....i am learning that forgivness for me may not be anything to do with reconciliation or going back...it may simply be just letting go.

 

[lolamarie1800]

Hi I have cut off from my enitre family. I wrote to them all explaining my reasons and asked them to leav...

I understand that you may feel guilty and regret cutting off contact with your family, after all, there's a connection whether it was bad or good and you may feel hollow inside. However, this is a new journey for you and you are behind the wheel without family members influencing you on how to make decisions regarding your well-being, and it probably feels very awkward for you. You have to believe in yourself and the hidden powers that lie within you in feeling comfort and being content with your new life. Also, you must ask yourself this question: is it worth the stress, anger, frustration, animosity, among other negative experiences that you had with family members to reconcile with them, knowing that is highly likely that they haven't changed? Society and culture programs everyone to believe that our families love us and won't cause harm to us, and we believe or want to believe it even if the evidence is quite the contrary. Experience in my opinion far outweighs that of the family myth, and one should go by experience rather than a myth that has caused so much anguish and suffering for individuals (children in particular) where this myth seems to go unquestioned

 

[Gadgie]

Although at times I feel lonely, I'm just so glad to have cut all ties with my late wife's family! Especially when I think back over all these years, when I thought they had accepted me, and when I think of everything I did for them, over that time as well.

They all turned against me during the last few days before my wife passed, I couldn't believe it, as I can't remember doing anything to upset them.

Anyway, I'm just glad to be away from them all now, they stole everything from me, including money, phones, clothes, and jewellery, and a few other things!

The only ones I miss is are the Grandkids, but they have probably poisoned rheir minds against me as well, so I won't see them ever again either.

It will be a long time before I trust anyone again?

 

[lolamarie1800]

impulsiveness a I feel more comfortable around strangers than so-called blood relatives and felt this way as a child.

 

[lolamarie1800]

Although at times I feel lonely, I'm just so glad to have cut all ties with my late wife's family! Espec...

You should give yourself a pat on the back as you made a brave decision to end a feudal system that is handed down from generation to generation, family members against family members. Its torture and a constant war to remain in families where there is a lot of bickering, backstabbing, abuse, the list goes on and on. I am so relieved that I cut ties with my immediate family and did it for the sake of my own children and mental health because I did not want the abuse inflicted on them, which would have traumatized them as it did me as a child. I have no regrets and happy that I live a distance of about 400 miles away from them and that definitely restricts them from popping up at anytime.
As of forgiveness, I don't personally believe in it because it does nothing for me on a psychological or emotional level, but instead angers me even more. Forgiving disempowers me in which I feel I would be giving in to the abuser and tormentor because after all, when it comes to families, where one experiences the most abuse, forgiving means not holding them accountable and reconciling with them as though nothing ever happened. At least, that's what is expected in my family. Forgiveness is a coverup for reconciliation because that is how the human mind is trained to believe and expect from victims, and for those reasons, I have a problem with it.

Inadvertently, the wrong message is being sent to abusers in families that it is okay for them to abuse their loved ones because they are related, and that reconciliation and forgiveness is an absolute for them.

I deal with my trauma by not focusing on forgiveness but instead focusing on myself and moving forward in life. Forgiveness should not be shoved down the throats of victims, and accepting their choice to disconnect from their families should be tolerated by those with different views, only if they are reeducated about the fallacies of their current beliefs that they would be more open to change.

Human nature does not make provisions for victims when they are tormented and abused, other than the emotional scars and trauma that is left behind from it. Humans by design were meant to fight back and ward off their abusers and attackers, but we all know that that isn't possible considering the age of the victims, particularly children who are powerless in fighting back. However, it really doesn't change that much as teens or adult because mind power is the most potent weapon that is still lacking in their lives due to the trauma that they endured as children in which they are held hostage on a psychological and emotional level, and that makes it impossible for them to stand up against their abuser in absence of fear; and of course, the legal ramifications involved in the Justice system that refrains one from fighting back to end the abuse. There appears to be a lose-lose situation for victims in ending the torment inflicted on them by their abusers .
I will end this discussion by saying: "either you are going to fight or flee"; it will be one or the other when you are in a distressful situation.

 

[Gadgie]

What makes me feel worse about what happened was, my two daughters from my first marriage both cut all ties with me, after the divorce was finalised, and that was over 20 years ago now?

So, I came to think that my second wife's family had accepted me, and made me believe that I was part of the family.

I also lost my my sister over the divorce, and we never contacted each other for years! But after my wife passed, I found an address in Holland, on a piece of paper, stuck inside one of my wife's bed side books.

I never recognised it at first, as my sister had moved house during that time of no contact.

It turned out that my sister had tried to get in touch with me, but I never got the letter?
My wife then wrote a horrible letter to my sister, full of abuse and saying that I never wanted to hear from her again?

I just couldn't believe this, until a few months later when I flew over to Holland to see my sister, she showed me the actual letter! I was totally shocked, and just couldn't believe that my wife was capable of that!

But her actions during her last few days changed everything, I was totally horrified, and felt so betrayed, I don't think I will ever really get over that!

 

[lolamarie1800]

After the beginning of my abuse my father apologized, then it happened again less than half a year l...

It's ironic that abusers apologize to their victims and turn right around and bad things to them over and over. I understand your situation because I experienced it, but I live around 400 or more from my family and only communicate with one relative once a month by a phone call, other than that, I cut ties. The forgiveness is in most cases, a ruse, and usually the abusers ask for forgiveness because they have been trained and conditioned that it is something they should do to win back the graces of their victims, when in fact, deep down knowing that it is not genuine at alls. Forgiveness is treated as though it is worth pennies or less and nothing more. It's really has no value for the victims. However, if the abuser really means what he or says...why not be accepting of their victim's decision to cut ties with them instead of holding them hostage because blood relations?

Oh, that "Everyone makes mistakes" excuse drives me up the freakin' wall. If someone pulls that...

That's it,abusers typically use the outdated phrase "everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second-chance". Also, in addition to that, they will remind their victims that they aren't perfect either, and are holding grudges instead forgiving. It is only a ruse to breakdown the victim and make them compliant to them. They could careless about the harm that they cause their victims because abusers are either sociopathic or psychopathic, so forgiving them is really pointless and only keeps people in their path in danger an chaos

I have Jimni. It was no small feat. I have a huge family. It was a cesspool of judgment, gossip...

Good for you! Isn't it mind-boggling that society and culture dictates that family is loving, caring, and should remain together no matter how devastating it is for some individuals? It makes no sense, and I believe people are slowly waking up to this truth and realizing that what they have been taught to believe regarding legitimacy of the family is not really true. It's true and unfortunate that most of harm and abuse afflicted on individuals come from the family and not that of strangers. Why I am emphasizing this is because people tend to spend more time with family members or romantic partners, spouses than those not related. Knowing this to be true, it can serve as a wakeup call for people to understand that blood relatives do the most harm to their loved ones than strangers

It only ever graduated to physical abuse when I flipped out one day from stopping my meds abruptly, and...

I understand your feelings and you are not alone, remember that. There are plenty others out there who are not part of this forum that deal with family abuse, not talk about it, and go about their lives as though this is normal behavior...that is until the "fight or flee experience kicks in. Plain and simple: there's a saying"even the nicest person can snap" and I believe it too. So, wouldn't be logical for someone of these circumstances to not wait for that time to occur and cut ties with toxic family members before it is too late? It's typical in toxic families for something terrible to happen before anyone realizes how chaotic and destructive these family situations are . Toxic families are like time bombs waiting to explode at any given moment or time depending on the mental state of the victim or the abuser. It's really disturbing that societies aren't open up to the other side(horrific) side of the so-called loving family unit.

 

[lolamarie1800]

It absolutely does get better when you leave any toxic situation. For me, the only regret I have...

I believe that if society retrained the minds of people regarding the toxicities that often involve families and that they are not always loving and good, then it is possible that people in these families would not remain in them and would easily cut ties without the guilt

And that

I completely cut off my abuser and her half of the family when they refused to believe me when I confro...

's ex
And that's exactly what I did and I am at peace without the drama

JMNI, I agree. The moment you criticize your family people look at you as if YOU have something wrong wi...

Most people won't ever get it; only a handful like you, I, and the other members on this forum. And there's a reason for it: they actually believe that families do no wrong, and that taking abuse from family members is better than taking it from a non-relative or stranger for that matter. You won't be able to reach them and nor should you try because they are very much in denial about the truth surrounding the bonds of the family unit

My family would never stop being abusive and intrusive, but I get the above sentiment.[/QUOTE...

NO, they probably will not, and if I were you I wouldn't hold my breath for it. In most cases, family members who are abusive to relatives or either sociopathic or psychopathic, and those conditions as we are aware cannot be reversed. So, why waste time trying reconcile or forgive them?

 

[lolamarie1800]

I'm glad this thread exists. I went no contact with my family beginning of the year and finding it d...

Actually, to solve your isolation and loneliness problem, you join support groups or seek counseling to help you cope with the situation. Also, most importantly, you have retrain your brain and emotions to help you compensate for the necessary loss of your family. You have to believe in yourself and what you are doing is the best for you emotionally, psychologically and physically. Look at this way: you have a peace of mind that you couldn't possibly have around toxic family members

 

[lolamarie1800]

I plain on moving away with my fiancee & kids from my toxic family members i we all moved to the same city promisin...

I understand your dilemma because my family is very dramatic and backstabbing, but I live nearly 400 miles away from them, and it is wonderful. We are conditioned to believe that family members are beyond reproach in causing harm to their relatives, which is the very opposite. Why, because you around people like family members more than you are around strangers. Strangers or non-relatives do far less damage to individuals than blood relatives. But, only when to get to know strangers on a personal level and they get to know you, then that compromises the boundaries that prevent abuse from occurring in the first place

 

[awake02]

Good for you, Amanda. I wish that I had had that strength and perspective. It wasn't even a c...

This sounds exactly like me. I have such a hard time making/keeping friends because of this. My father is diagnosed Bipolar, ADHD, NPD, but is not treated for them because he thinks he is smarter than all the "head shrinkers" and is in denial. He is very passive-aggressive, self-medicates with alcohol (years ago he did admit he was an alcoholic and entered Rx program, but eventually said it was a bunch of BS, he wasn't like "those people" ). My Mom was, and is, always his enabler, but at the same time will dump on me all the crazy shit she should be telling a therapist. As a teen I became anorexic/bulimic, due to the overwhelming stress of my childhood, for which my father mocked me for and treated me with disgust. Oh, I forgot to mention he was a compulsive gambler also, and lied obsessively to hide his losses from Mom. He is a master manipulator, always turning things into other's fault/problem, and was always so mean to anyone who dared cross him, or even try to really talk to him about getting help. Things could sometimes be quite fun and loving, but this never lasted long, as it always came crashing down, usually quite traumatic and dramatically; he would have these "rages" where he'd be yelling the most hateful, ugly things to Mom, breaking things, threatening her. Afterwards he'd always "apologize" if that's what you wanna call it, and things would gradually settle down where there'd be a period of relative peace, until it happened again. During the rages he was always drunk and/or high. Aging, and a severe MVA, which caused life-threatening and disabling injuries, have "mellowed" him, and as a grandfather he is a very loving, doting "Pop-Pop". As an adult, I learned to "cope" by keeping a safe distance, not spending too much time with them, as when I did, my anxiety levels would escalate quickly. Now I have so many"walls" that I am quite isolated. I suffer from many chronic health conditions from internalizing all the stress and anger over the years. Whenever I've tried therapy/counseling, I get scared and drop-out.