Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[Philippa]

Yes true. I guess I still hold on to a stupid hope that they will want to hear me and we can transform this. I don't want to not have a family. I have a new family of friends, but it takes some getting used to to not have that particular familiarity around me. But yes, just not opening the door and telling them to get off the property is the best way, and I know that deep down. As a friend said, it's the idea of the family I had that I miss, not the actual people themselves.

That is what happened when my brother tried to "get past this" with me. It made me so pissed off that he went against my wishes and decided that he could persuade me to come back because HE didn't want to not be in contact with me, that I totally blocked him and didn't call him on his birthday.

I felt so angry when my mother tried to trick me into coming back by admitting that they needed to change, only to renig on it later and not follow through with the promises she made to get a book about emotional abuse. She had no plans to ever read it or change, she just said what she thought I wanted to hear to get me to have lunch with them all when I had told her that I didn't want to see him, any of them. She basically told me I was the one with the problem, and she was a great communicator. My father said the same. " I love you, but you really need help." were his exact words.

You're right, they don't care about my boundaries at all, and all the behavior they've displayed has been obvious in that sense.They don't deserve my attention or my company. I just wish I would stop going back and forth in my own mind about this. Every now and then I am calm and can hear a voice in my head saying that I did the right thing, but it gets drowned out by me beating myself up for it the rest of the time. I'd like to get to a place where I can stop doing that.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I totally understand Philippa. Be sure of what you truly want, because the info I've shared here is only for a clean break. If you do some of these things, and THEN try to smooth things over, you'll be the one who appears manipulative and playing games.

I also think your friend is right. The idea of "no family" brings up all kinds of Orphan Annie type images. However, family is something that you can choose as well, it just doesn't have to be blood relatives. It is also ok to make yourself your own family. You can do this by always being true to yourself, standing up for yourself and protecting yourself (all those things that blood family should do, but don't always).

It's not easy, and may not be for everyone. But don't let habit and obligation dictate your happiness, in any relationship.

 

[Pencil]

There is a term that is used for borderline personality disorder, and their way of getting others sucked into interaction again. The term is 'hoovering', as in vacuum cleaner that sucks everything in its path in. I felt hoovered by my family, and I think enmeshed, unhealthy families have great hoovering techniques and massive suction power. And that is why it just doesn't work to think you can set boundaries, interact on your terms, keep your distance blah blah. Yeah, right, you still think you're doing those things then you realize you are doing it right there in the dust bag (or whatever those things are called).

 

[Pencil]

obligation

Obligation is top of the range hoover.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

Obligation is top of the range hoover.

Exactly. I like that term "Hoovering" and it so describes what my family did. I saw that there was no changing that bunch, it was just an ongoing vicious cycle and one that I was no longer comfortable in. Oh, and they tried to suck me back in, but I simply ignored all attempts. Believe me, they got pretty creative too. As I said in an earlier post, the one that refuses to play is the one they will zero in on. However, just stay the course, immune yourself to anything they might say about you (there will be some zingers), and know that YOU are all that matters. Those cats will eventually find another mouse to bat around and terrorize. Don't let it be you any longer.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks, that really helped, and I understand what you are saying with the orphan annie images, and I already have felt like an orphan even when I was around them! I have rejected their attempts to smooth things over and have made no effort to do so myself. I don't want things to go back to the way they were. If they aren't serious about wanting to change then it's not a family I want to be a part of, and if I am seriou about respecting myself then I cannot allow myself to be exposed to their crap no matter how harsh the rest of the world may condemn me for it! My mental and emotional well being is more important to me than helping them continue living a lie and fake reality.

 

[jmni]

Personally I would love to forget them and I have no wish to ever go back to that. My life was like some kind of nightmare for their entertainment. I really wish that treatment from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind existed in reality.

 

[ms spock]

As a friend said, it's the idea of the family I had that I miss, not the actual people themselves.

*nods*

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I wrote several times, as have others, that we "wish they would change". The reality - why should they? However unhealthy, they are very happy with the dysfunctional dynamic in which they live. Even though we have the clarity to see it is wrong, that still doesn't mean we have the right to ask them to change. We have every right, and both a physical and emotional responsibility to protect ourselves, but we can't dictate that to others. Sure, you will hear concessions to pacify you that they also think it's wrong, or that they'll adapt to make you feel better, but it's all lip service, and they think you are the weird one.

This line of thinking is what finally got me to make the jump. Part of the dynamic that enables this kind of dysfunction to continue is the vicious loop of caring for oneself, and then that auto-obligation kicks in and you feel responsible for the whole family unit. Stop that! It takes effort, but pay attention to your emotions and stop that vicious cycle.

And, don't think of yourself as either a martyr or a savior. To imply either is a further reinforcement of your obligation to this sick critter of dysfunction. It is what it is. You are an individual who consciously chooses what positive forces you will surround yourself with. It is not heroic, it is not going to change the world, it is only going to change you.

Do you see what I did there? I am taking the drama out. That is important, as often, high drama is what enables these cesspools to fester. Take the drama out of the situation and yourself, and just do the tangible things that need to be done. That is not saying that you numb yourself, or don't express emotion, but don't make another trauma for yourself by exaggerating their importance or your own.

Please ask for clarification on this post, as this is hard to put into words. I am trying to address the issues of narcissism and ego that often saturates these situations. I am trying to share that I was well aware of that, and knew that I had to remove that from myself as well in order to reach my goal. I didn't care if I was "right", I only wanted peace.

 

[Philippa]

I guess that is something I find so hard to deal with. To me, if there is a problem, a dysfunction, co-dependency, whatever, then it can be worked through and transformed. I've done it in myself and transformed many of my co-dependant behaviors over the years, and I did it when I was still in my late teens early twenties. To me, if these things are what is standing in the way of a healthy, happy relationship with yourself and others, then it needs to change whatever the cost. The idea that just accepting it and getting nice and comfy within it is just so foreign and hard to understand why anyone would choose to remain that way when there is the choice to change it...or at least make the effort to.

I know deep down that everything you say is true, it's just a part of me that sees so clearly how things could work so much better if people were just more honest and gave that respect to each other, and allowed expression and listened...and that WANTS that so badly, that finds it so hard to accept that it's just never going to happen...with THOSE people. I have started to draw into my life people who consider me in their inner circle and family, who are interested in that sort of relationship, and who have worked hard on themselves to get to the point of really grasping the importance of respectful and clear communication...and I'm so grateful to have those people in my life.

Personally I would love to forget them

I would love to forget them as well...but the internal stuff makes it harder to. After all, I spent half my life with them, so they are wired into my brain at a primal level. That's not something one can easily forget I don't think. They are starting to feel like they have faded somewhat though lately, which I am both sad and glad about. I love and hate them. I am a loving person, and that is not something I can easily turn off, even if they treat me like shit. I have hardened to them over the years though, and it hurts me. It doesn't feel natural, but it feels necessary to be that way for what I have chosen to do.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

To me, if these things are what is standing in the way of a healthy, happy relationship with yourself and others, then it needs to change whatever the cost.

Exactly, but you can only do it for yourself, not the entire family unit. Each person has to come to that conclusion on their own.

After all, I spent half my life with them, so they are wired into my brain at a primal level.

The only thing that pops into mind about this statement is the accounting term, "Sunk Costs". It doesn't matter how much a company (you are the company) has invested into a project, if the future cost/benefit analysis yields a negative, they consider those previous investments as sunk costs, and they walk away. Only you can be the accountant for your emotional bank account. If you see a positive benefits in continuing to invest in these people, then by all means do so. If you are only basing it on previous investments, and it has left you at a net loss, then I would walk away.

 

[Pencil]

I didn't care if I was "right", I only wanted peace.

Great post

We all have to be honest about one thing though: blood really is thicker than water. The idea that we can choose families, or create a family, or that friends can become like family only goes that far.

One thing that is really reassuring about a toxic family is that one can be at one's worst, and still be accepted (even if it means that one needs to behave like a lunatic to be really and fully accepted). This does not happen with in a 'family' of friends. The standards are higher, the tolerance levels very low and there are no guarantees that they will be around forever, or even the day after tomorrow. And this is one of the reasons I live a fairly isolated life at the moment: 1) I don't have the energy to invest into maintaining relationships - and this kind of investment, attention, maintenance are not required in a family of origin, and 2) I can't bear any further losses.

In dysfunctional families the interaction is often characterized by high drama, tears, and intense interactions. It was difficult for me to get used to the 'blandness' of interaction with healthy people. I found it difficult to read people.